I am done. I am tired of this boring addiction merry go round. Its time for something new. A new focus and a new direction. This part of my story is over. If you are struggling with addiction. Maybe my looping story over the past two years will help you get out of your loops. Happy reading. I wish you the best of Luck on your Journey.
Oh, How quickly I spin out of my great white light and into my dark grey matter.
Let me tell you how my story goes.......
Ten days of a fabulous cleanse. A cleanse of my body, toxins released and a lightness of step returned to me. Determination and perseverance lead to an increase in confidence and inner happiness. This physical detox brought on a heightened awareness of all things toxic in my world and reiterated to me the importance of this three month over all cleanse of my life.
That was last week.
Oh how quickly I can digress.
On Monday I received a text from the stunningly sexy now 26 (as he has had a birthday since our fling in the spring) year old, hottie that shook my life to the ground. If you missed those posts I will list them at the bottom of this one. One text is all it took to get me to start to shake in my boots. I have not talked to him in over a month, maybe even longer actually. And he is in Ontario with, up until recently, no chance of ever coming back to my province. Turns out he will be working here all winter.
First I must address the obvious question. Why had I not blocked him going into this cleanse, knowing he was probably the only guy that had any power over me still.
Two answers, the honest one....
Reservations. He was my reservation, my back up, my if I don't wanna do this cleanse anymore I can go play in that mine field. Sick reason I know, but my addict mind is not put to bed yet, let us remember.
Second reason and a bit of truth to it as well. On my Android phone to block someone they need to be in my contact list. I cannot, let me repeat, cannot have his number in my phone. My personal strength to not contact him when I am feeling low is too much of a test. I cant do it. So I thought I was choosing the lesser of two evils by deleting him instead. So how did I know it was him for certain then if his name didn't come up and only his number..... by the racing of my heart when I seen the simple.. hey. text pop up.
Four hours later he facebooked me the same, Hey. So it was confirmed then and that's when I began to completely spin. Don't ask me why I hadn't blocked him on Facebook its too deep for this post.
Ask me instead, why I would spin? After the body cleanse and the feeling so good, the increased energy and the better pace my life was going at. The yoga and mediation, the creative art I was doing.... why would a simple three letter word from a guy that does not have my best interest at heart spin me so quickly?
But spin me it did.
My daughters birthday was on the weekend and this was the Monday after and left over chocolate cake was wrapped up nicely on my counter. Until now I had no desire to eat it as I was slowly just adding solids back to my diet and the rush of sugar was not my idea of a good time. ..... or so I thought. After seeing the second text, with no thought process I went straight away for a large slice of cake. I took it back into my room, hiding of course from my daughter who would question the food choice. After wolfing it down, I autopilot to the kitchen for another go round.
Second mistake.... I know better to have cake in my house, no matter what. I threw the whole thing away after that second piece.
I went to bed that night revving up my addict. I tossed and turned, sweated and dreamt of the great sexscapade heading my way. I knew at that moment I would hook back up with this kid, the process had begun again within me.
That was Monday night and since then I have had ice cream which is a huge toxin for my body and mental state. I spent two days on the couch suffering from what was about to come. I let myself sink pretty low from those two meager little texts.
Until this morning when I thought..... how fucking ridiculous I am being. Part of this detox is to learn to rewire the way I think through new actions chosen. I am feeding into old ways by the choices I am making. Thats not my goal. My goal is to change that. So today I got up and showered and went about my day as if nothing has happened in the last two days. Other then the awareness that I have to step up my recovery game.
No cake in my house period. But I do need healthy snack attack foods. This I learned from my time as a weight loss coach. Just cause the kid texted me does not mean I have acted out. I have no control of other peoples actions only my own. So I need to tell my thoughts to stop and redirect them. This I learned from the twelve step program. I need to up my meditations and yoga practices as complacency was taught to me through many failed attempts at success in all areas of my life.
I feel much better today and can see clearly the pattern of my chemical and electrical spikes in my body and why I got spun in the first place.
When hottie texted , endorphin released a shot of the love drug into my system. Goddess, how I love that Love drug. After it was released my body wanted more. This I knew and was able to distract myself.... that is until the second text came in.. Then the endorphin was too strong for me and all the neurons fired up along my spine. To stuff my feelings and to keep the chemicals pumping, double edged sword for me on this one... I ate cake. My sleep was further disturbed by fantasies of the hottie, which by the morning lead to a crash of the chemicals in my body as I knew I couldn't keep them going without going further then I was willing to go in my addiction of them. So the onset of the two day depression.
I am starting to understand on a more personal level how my own body reacts to stress and love and excitement. I am learning this through these detoxes and cleanses and silence. They put me in touch with my body and my own nervous system. With no huge life distractions I am forcing myself to go deep within to learn what makes me tick. With continued study in the field of psychology I am learning a great deal about the human nervous system.
By the end of this year I will have re-patterned the way my body fires up. No longer will things of toxicity excite me. I will have a solid center and will finally at forty be able to move forward with my life and achieve the things my heart has always wanted to. ..... well thats my internal motivational speech anyways. lol Here's shooting for the moon!!
I did it!! I am phasing out of the Master Cleanse and moving into clean eating. I love how the health industry has made popular the word clean in regards to the way we eat and our bodies. Drug addiction recovery also uses that term of 'getting clean' when one gets off dope. I find it very fitting of what one is doing not only to there body but there soul as well.
I feel so clean today. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Today my thoughts are clear of obsession, which is such a wonderful freedom. And here I thought I used drugs, food and sex to find freedom from the mundane and boring in our world. True freedom resides in the absence of slavery. I am not a slave to my obsessive thoughts today and boy let me tell you how good that feels!
Today my body is regaining energy and feels better shedding the extra weight that was clogging my arteries. I am lighter in my step and yoga practice is becoming easier every day. I am beginning belly dance youtube videos( not ready to join a class just yet). And even began going back to the gym, which I cannot even begin to describe how much I love the gym. I truly do. The whole energy and atmosphere of a gym just illicit feel good in ones body, well that's how it makes me feel anyways.
Emotionally I have to say, I haven't taken a calming herb in a couple weeks now. No daily lemon balm squirt in my water, No Gaba pills to ease my anxiety. Nothing. By day three of the master cleanse I was so calm and relaxed. My energy being conserved for things that matter in life. The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff' kept coming to mind during my cleanse. And now it has stuck,
Spiritually. I am just starting to connect in with my higher power. I think I always struggle with this one most. which is funny because when people are asked to describe me in one word Spiritual is the word most people choose. I find that I have such a deep belief in my higher power and such a great relationship with them, that I feel safe enough to get right pissed off when shit goes sideways in my life. My higher power is who i get pissed off with, I am kinda still mad at her that she didn't let me play in the devils playground. I get why and yes appreciate where I am at. but emotion doesn't reason with logic. So spiritually I have a little bit more work to do but I for sure feel clear enough to do it.
I love the master cleanse. It may not be for everyone cause it sure does take alot of will power and the ability to listen to your body and trust it. However if you can do those things then I highly recommend clearing away the toxins not only trapped in your body but the ones in your life as well. \i know I will do this cleanse once a year to reset my body and to continue to deepen the cleanse. I only chipped the tip of an ice burg this cleanse.
Day Eight on my fast and boy am I getting active in this journal now. I need an outlet for my awareness to manifest. I was reading my own words of wisdom from previous blog posts today and found my own words to be more motivating the the leading Guru of all time.
Speaking of the leading Guru of all time. I read Deepack Chopra's weekly newsletter religiously each week. There is not a newsletter that goes by that doesn't fill me full with great awareness or satisfying validation of my own belief system.
Is an article about rewiring the way we think. He even addresses addictions within the article. I found it extremely fitting for where I am at life and what I am trying to do. I firmly believe we can retrain our minds and release our self from the labels we have allowed to be plastered to our foreheads.
The main reason I left the twelve step fellowship besides continued growth, is that I refused to speak in the presence of spirit that I am an Addict. In the beginning it felt amazing to understand I was indeed an addict and to be accepted into a fellowship of recovery addicts. But as time goes on one must move past this if you want to continue to grow and move on from that.
Many successful people will tell you that in order to succeed you need to hook in with people that have what you want. Read up daily on the subject you are trying to master. Meet with people in the industry your trying to achieve in. I don't want to be an addict, who the hell wants that? So I am rewiring my brain even further into what I do want.
Which at this stage of my mid life crisis I have no bleeping idea.
Today the article that inspired me from Deepak's email was one about finding your center. I remember once my beloved intuitive guide telling me that balance for me was like a marble sitting on a flipped over bowl. Once the bowl tips the marble is gone. He proceeded to say most peoples marbles were inside the bowl! Guess I wear my marbles on the outside. Go Figure.
I see now thats what this detox is really about for me. Finding my center again. When I was working the crazy hours and getting involved with the young buck at work, my co-worker would stop me in mid manic stride and place his hand in the center of my chest and say, 'where's your center?' I would stop in annoyance. Take a deep breath, pretend to calm myself and be off and running again as soon as his back was turned. I couldn't regain balance no matter how hard I tried so I gave in to my addictive nature to carry me through.
I had to completely pull out of life to regain my balance. Turns out my intuitive counselor was right. I am pretty sensitive to balance. This is an awareness that I am going to have too deeply accept and try very very hard not to forget this in the future. Going forward from this detox will mean creating a life that is more gentle to my nature and more safely balanced. I don't really want my marbles rolling around for all to see anymore.
My daughter said to me yesterday in conversation about my state of mind, "Mom, you like being miserable". I laughed because she is completely right. I am passionate about my misery. There is a knight of Cups in the Tarot deck that speaks directly to this ailment. I love falling in love, no secret there, and I equally love the theatrics of falling out of love.
I am passionate about my misery right now. Which falls under my detox No-No's. I am trying to reset my dopamine and to learn to live in a more balanced state of being. I am not in balance I am in a low. Not depression, but full on theatrical misery. A temper tantrum hissy fit! I have had to give up everything I have loved until this point in my life. Of course the things I loved were and are toxic for my body and life, but none the less I loved them.
But that was yesterday!! Clicking along at my steady erratic pace.......
Today on day seven of The Master Cleanse I feel so empowered. I feel motivated and have a clearer mind then I have in a very long time. This is the part of addiction recovery that I love. The head clearing phase. Its in this phase that my awareness becomes acute and my ability to take action is heightened.
So what am I learning right now?
I never follow through on anything!! I let complacency get the best of me. Or I sabotage. Getting over the hump of this fast has shown me how close I really was to quitting two days ago. I had every rationalization to stop and begin to blend into the fruits and vegetable cleanse I have planned after this detox cleanse. I did have insane cravings for Doritos(which is odd cause I never eat them), but it wasn't that kind of food I wanted to go back to I tried to justify the transition already planned a few days early. And by a few days I do mean half way point.
My daughter convinced me to stay moving forward on the fast as I was still seeing some incredible detox benefits from it. My tongue is as white as snow. No joke. Apparently toxins come out your tongue. My skin is amazingly clear, I even think some freckles have faded, for real. I have lost a good deal of weight already and well now today my energy levels are on the rise...... which is so good cause my energy was tanking hard before the fast. I am glad she motivated me to continue.
Scrubbing a tough patch off an oven this morning, I was reminded of how quickly I give up on things. If I don't see instant results I am out. Simple. No questions, just done. Or if I have to push through I do so indignant and frustrated and normally fail at the pursuit due to my attitude. I scrubbed that oven and when I started to see some good results of my work I felt vindicated. That motivated me to continue even through the tough moments that followed.
Scrubbing the oven was very much like this fast. I know there will be another hurtle or two to jump before I cross the finish line, but I am much more motivated now to follow through. Its this follow through that I need to carry to the rest of my life. Its when i quit half way through that I miss the light at the end of the tunnel, opting instead to stay in the dark.
When I landed the best job of my life so far, I was meditating daily. I was connecting with my higher power. I was practicing self care to the best of my ability then. I was activily doing my part in the co-creation process. Then within a year of landing said dream job, I stopped meditating. I stopped self care. I stopped actively doing my part. And well you know how this story goes... said dream job ended.
In the twelve step program complacency is a big word that is a hot topic of discussion. When we become complacent in our responsibilities the universe has no choice but to mirror your actions. Thats all the universe is, a mirror. Law of attraction number one... what you put out comes back to you. You get lazy, so does your God.
I get lazy. I self sabotage by not following through on my own self care. That is what I am learning today. I know I have spoke about this so so so much in this blog. And its a concept I have already chewed several times. But I guess I haven't fully digested it yet. A human complicating simple concepts I am with my over analytical brain always looking for a new fresh trail to blaze just so I can by pass complacency.
Lesson is.... I need to stick with my daily meditations, my connection with my higher self and my self care. No matter how good it gets. ..........That is of course once I start them again. lol. Come now, who meditates in misery? As if.
The void can be looked at in many different ways. In ways that create tension and frustration, depression and anxiety. Or in ways that create peace and calm, trust and letting go. The article above also spoke about how we are always trying to control our lives and how trusting the flow and natural rhythms of our lives can be a bit challenging for us.
I know for my analytical mind I feel I need to constantly be processing. Always trying to figure things out. Thinking about the reasons, the solutions and the best paths for what ever situation I am in. Rarely can I just Stop and Be. I have to know the ins and outs before I can let go.
I can only understand now after six solid days of wiggling that I am just too tired to care. I am tired of my own mind. In a way that is a sad sap comment, and for sure I do feel a bit miserable and depressed.
I am entering into the void.
I am big into numerology these days and have been studying my profile and the profiles of those close to me. I have gained some pretty neat understandings of myself and my relationships. From my Virgo skeptic mind this is saying something. I am in year two of the numerology wheel. The medicine wheel as Lisa is speaking of in her blog post above has a very similar system for determining the lessons of the year.
In the year two its all about pause, going within in, resting. After the year one of a change in course, a fresh start, new seeds planted. Year two is about rest after that hard work and building up strength for the next very busy year. Thats what I understand it to be anyways and its super fitting of where I am at in life.
This year its about entering the void.
I miss my town house that I just moved from three months ago. I loved that home. I miss the space and my meditation room. I miss my pallet bed that couldn't come with me. I miss my nick nacks that I gave away to start with a clean slate. I miss the stores in the area and the walking trails I would journey those three years.
I don't love where I live yet. Its not home yet. I am in the void. The in between. My sense of belonging is not on a solid foundation right now.
I miss my busy jobs whether it be my landscaping one or even my weigh loss job from many years ago.... I miss being an over achiever. I miss the recognition and the accolades. I miss the money and the busyness. I miss feeling important and needed. I am in a void.
I appreciate the calm and peace my new job has the potential to bring me. I do respect the flexibility and the freedom I have where I am at now. In time I will be very happy with this change, I know this as truth. But today I am feeling loss. lots and lots of loss.
I miss Tim Hortons Coffee and Bagels. I miss Sexting the hot 25 year old. I miss hitting the clubs with my skinny body, although this was several years ago I am finding myself missing it today. I miss an active social life and a busy job. None of these things I can have right now because all of these things spin me into addiction.
I am in the void.
Being in the void is necessary to growth and healing. Not many people like entering into the void. Its comparable to a shamans death. Where one strips away the things in life one was attached to in order to discover what sustains a person without these things. We are bread in a society here in North America to become attached at a very young age to things, people and places. I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing. Nor that everyone needs to peel away from these things to find themselves.
I do however.
In the absence of food, my mind has cleared some. I am extremely addicted. To everything. Complete attachment and dependence. So addicted that pretty much anything can crash my life to the ground and pretty much at some point in my past has. My obsessions are so overwhelming that not even the love of my daughters can stop me when I want something. When I crash the cycle, interrupt the process, only then can I gain clarity and see through my obsession. That is the void for me.
I have entered mini voids before, or maybe a better image is...... I have skirted the void before. But I have never had the courage to dive fully in. Today I am diving in fully.
I have stopped all things sexual and romantic. For me it was constant fantasy about falling in love with the toxic boy, the emotionally unavailable man and how I could change him. I would hook up with guys that had no interest in me other then sex with the belief that underneath they truly loved me. I would solo sex to get myself out of bad moods, boredom moods or when I couldn't fall asleep. Never did I solo sex cause I was actually turned on to it. These are huge problems when they consume your almost every waking thought.
In the void the rose colored glasses have fully come off. Half of me wants to reach out to a hot guy and live in blissful ignorance and the other half is strengthening.
I have stopped ingesting food toxins. Upon waking my first thought used to be about what I was going to have for breakfast. While eating breakfast I was thinking about lunch. During lunch cause I was such a good girl with my food choices so far I was gonna splurge for supper and have a huge plate of spaghetti cause I deserved it. After supper watching 'Once Upon a Time' with my beloved daughter, my mouth would start to salivate for ice cream from the Dairy Queen across the street. Even though I know I will feel very sick in the morning, I just can't resist the craving. And the cycle would start all over again the next day.
I lived like that once before and after entering the void once in this arena and losing all my weight and eating very healthy for a very long time I am reminded quickly how much I miss the freedom from being a slave to my food choices.
I am fully in the void now from everything that I was attached too. Food, Sex, Guys, Friends, drugs, Over working and over spending. And honestly logical or not. I miss it all!! Terribly! January is a long long long ways away.
How does this fit in with my opening paragraph of how we complicate our own lives?
I am only accepting the void now on day six of my food fast and well, two weeks into my overall detox. Because I couldn't allow the process to flow. Even still in my misery I am desperately trying to fight it by rationalizing it.
Something I am coming to realize; feelings some times cannot be rationalized. They just are. I miss my attachments but I cant go back to them and no amount of paths or trails can bring me back to them because I have already changed course. If I can learn to let go and just flow I will find that my life on the other side of these vices will be more amazing then I can imagine now because I have never experienced where I am going..... because I have never been here before.
I am fully, both feet, knee deep, up to my neck....... In the Void.
So here is too not complicating the shit out of this next three months.
And by master cleanse I mean so much more then just the drink fast I am on. For me its about coming out of my addictive nature and resetting my dopamine levels back to a normal range with the ability to let go and let my body run the command center again.
I am very aware of my energy today. Where I get it from and where I spend it. I am an energy healer, Energy has been a focal point of mine for well over fifteen years now. As I dig deeper into this detox process as Mike Olaski from the Master Cleanse program advised, I am seeing things I already knew but have forgotten in my wheat coma.
Like I was taught in the twelve step fellowship, reading literature is key to successful change. I have been living within the master cleanse website the past four days. Drinking in everything I can in order to stay motivated to get through this body reset. One of the common complaints I read about is the lack of energy people have. At first I thought there must be a problem with them. I remember the only successful time on the master cleanse before, I had tonnes of energy and felt fabulous.
Today however I don't have an abundance of energy and I am into the fast far enough to start seeing some benefits. Upon waking this morning I didn't want to get out of bed. My first thought was of my morning coffee heavily doused with french vanilla creamer and my home made cinnamon buns. Instantly I remembered I cannot have these and I rolled over and went back to sleep.
So I asked myself...... Is it lack of energy or slight depression?
After an argument with my daughter last night, one for which I could not continue cause I just didn't have the energy to fight with her. I became very aware of where I spend my energy and the food thoughts this morning tell me where I used to get my energy. Both spending and receiving are empty calories. Processed sugars and fighting??
I question why the two other times I tried this fast they did not work out for me. I was just unable to stick to them. Both times I was in life situation that took way too much energy and I just could not continue to function as I was in those situations on just lemon juice and syrup. I realize now how much energy leaves my body through my mental and emotional bodies.
My first time I was on the cleanse I worked at the weight loss center that fueled me daily. Comments from my clients about my own weight loss and thanks for theirs fueled me to over full daily. I was making great money and had a very great home life at that time. The fast was almost effortless. I wasn't using food as my fuel. I was filling up on accolades and money. Power fueled me.
When I tried the cleanse while I was managing a landscaping company, I didn't make it three days. I just couldn't. I was spending way too much energy in emotions and thought process and was getting nothing in return. No gratification from the job as at this time I pretty much hated what I was doing and I was very deep into an addictive cycle of workaholism and romantic relationships(with a smoking hot 25 year old). I wasn't drawing energy from anywhere as both my addictive cycles were draining me as well.
I am deeply aware right now of where my energy is going because the only place it was coming from was food. In this total detox of my life I have pulled away from all the things that power me up. I have done this in order to ferret out where my energy is derived from and what is healthy for me and what is not.
After getting clean from dope I launched into a beautiful fellowship of people that brought me to an even higher high then dope had given me. I look back now and see how people can spike my dopamine just as much as unhealthy avenues. Its why after six months of being clean and the fellowship high wearing off that i would always seek out a new vice or go back to the old one. To keep my high going.
I am very aware eating cinnamon buns for breakfast daily is so not healthy for me personally. Its an empty sugar that causes me to be lazy and depressed. After awhile of this pattern I have even had thoughts of just going to sleep and never waking up I am so miserable. Wheat and sugar have very very poor effects in my body,. Yet once I start over eating them I cannot stop. For me it was worse then dope. At least dope kills me hard and fast but there is drama and flair to it and I get to go to another world.... starches slowly take my will to live. Cannot explain why, it just is.
So the master cleanse is to rid myself of that energy source. But where then am I getting my energy?
I am lucky because I work a job that allows me a super flexible schedule and salary. I have freedom in how much work I do. As long as my list of cleaning duties get done in a day then I am good to go. I don't derive much energy off my job, I am not a cleaner at heart. But this job affords me the time to build my holistic practice and that does fuel me. However its not fueling me yet as I need to get myself healthier in order to successfully proceed in that arena.
So really I don't need much energy for my life right now. And that's why this cleanse will work for me this time. I am resetting my bodies gauges. Through the resetting I have the time and the limited energy to dig into the process and understand some fundamental truths about my own existence.
That gives me energy!
Here is a video from the Master Cleanse site. It is chocked full of information about the cleanse. I love the calorie intake part. I eat more calories on this cleanse then I did on the weight loss plan from the clinic I worked. And truly simple our bodies function on calories in vs. calories out. Which means the cleanse itself does not take away your energy, its the things in your life that do.
I have started the Master Cleanse Program again. This will be the fourth time I have done it in the past eight years. Its a fifty fifty draw for me whether I can sustain it or not. I guess it boils down to my motivation behind why I am detoxing in the first place.
Let me first explain what the Master Cleanse is....
I drink only a maple syrup lemon water concoction. No solid foods, no other substances then water. You can find the recipe at this address.... http://themastercleanse.org/ If you scroll down you will see Wayne Dryer did the cleanse. His words about the program....
"I feel great and taken weight off around my middle. It’s just kinda disappeared. I have lost 14 or 15 pounds I have more energy. I am doing yoga again. I am back walking. I was having real issues with my back. Joint pains and things like that seem to have all gone. I have a new kind of clarity as well."
Like I said I have done this program before with great success and well, no success. As with anything it rides on the mindset you have going into it. Seeings as I am actually two weeks into my detox, over a month if you count my soft start, and I am still eating like food is going out of style and you wont be able to get any after Halloween, I have to do something a bit more drastic.
I am not detoxing for the same outcomes Wayne Dryer did.
I didn't really want to go this far into a cleanse with my life detox. Binging and purging are very real issues for me and going to extremes feeds the addict in me and still, even in starvation of an enjoyment my dopamine levels can be spiked. Extreme discipline for an even larger pay off can keep me riding an addictive cycle for a very long time.
So why then am I doing this cleanse if I know it can spin me?
Cause I cant stop eating. No matter what side I tackle it from I just cant stop shoveling wheat and sugars into my body. Its the same situation as having to go into a dry out center to get off dope cause one just cant stop using. But its with food.
I am hooked on sugar and wheat. I am in Obsession. My addict is still thriving.
There really inst any food dry out center's where I live. I need to get more serious and drastic about my detox. So that's why the master cleanse has to come into play in my life now. I tried it the softer easier way. I need to reset my pallet, reset my cravings. This is a program to reprogram the way I eat food. That is the motivation behind why I am doing the cleanse this time.
Thats a solid good motivation as it links in very tightly with my overall detoxing of men, drugs, money and overworking.
I am doing myself a service by releasing myself from the obsession of food. I no longer have to think about what I am going to eat next meal. I need this break for my obsessive mind. The weight loss clinic I worked at provided food for its clients. I see now why it was so effective for me. I didn't have to think about what I was going to eat, I just ate what was on the menu.
This freed up a tremendous amount of obsessive thought energy.
With that thought in mind, I need to look at the hard truth that this is truly my day one. I have had several false starts and many more almost starts. But today will mark the first day of truly a life free of obsession. Food and sex have been the last two hurdles to overcome obsessive thoughts. So I guess now I am finally on my way into this detox.
I have had lots of feedback from friends and family on their ability to do what I am doing. My therapist admitted to me that she gets anxiety at the thought of giving up all her vices for three months in order to live a healthier cleaner life. I have had several people tell me how much I inspire them by what I am doing.
I have to sit back and revel in those comments because this has never been about anyone but me. I am ruining my life over my obsessions. Spinning my wheels at 41 with nothing to show for my journey but a huge mountain of dirt behind my truck tires. I want to go somewhere and do something with my time on this planet. Its my addictions always crashing my life to the ground. Its my obsessions clouding my view from a greater, brighter future.
Once the dust settles from the shit storm I have created in my life I am hoping that I will be able to refocus on a horizon ahead of me and have a clear vision of where I want to go. As a motivational coach its what I first ask my clients... where do you see yourself, what do you want?? Painting a clear vision of where your headed helps you maintain the why when the going gets tough.
I cant see where I am going right now. I have no goals other then to clear myself of the toxins clouding me. The twelve step program taught me to only focus on the next step and let my higher power carry me the rest of the way. So here is my current step.
Good bye Wheat and Sugar and all things processed.
Two hours a day is what I am devoting to this blog and my website.
John Chow, http://www.johnchow.com/ who is a blogging wizard makes millions on ads for his blogs. He advises two hours a day should be dedicated to your online pursuits if you want to see success. I am not looking for success in monetary value, but more traffic to my blog is pretty exciting.
Two hours is not over doing it in the addiction category and it gives me something rewarding to fill my time with and not just being busy for the sake of being busy. The more I study up on workaholism the more I understand that workaholics aren't necessarily good employees. They stretch themselves too thin with needless tasks. I seen this in my old boss. He had a great business plan but wasted so much time on flow charts and things that were not necessary to the daily running of his business. He wasn't focused because he was still in obsession.
I want to move away from obsession and not just busy myself with useless menial tasks. Still filling a void so that I am not shoveling my face with chocolate chips or laying in bed fantasizing about the hot playboy that will be my reward after this three months is up... or worse yet getting high because I am bored and have nothing better to do.
Four to five hours of work a day, six days a week is my focus to keep the bacon on the table and a roof over my families head. Two hours a day on my blog. That is seven work hours each day. I think that's pretty reasonable don't you?
Falling into the pits of depression and not even making these hours has been a struggle. The anorexic side of addiction. The flip side of more more more. The purge. The addict, in my case I have named her Lady Vixen, throwing up her hands in a tantrum. This is how addicts keep control. Discipline to not use is part of the cycle.
For me something always falls into step to refocus my addict
I have been eating my sorrows away and busted the poor zipper in my favorite Etnies hoodie today. It was a huge eye opener that I am fattening up nice a good, unfortunately I am not a turkey and this is not a good thing. How can I be heading into a detox when the scale is climbing at a steady rate?
Whenever I would enter a purge phase of an addiction the week before the infamous Monday start date I would binge the shit out of whatever I was about to fast off of. If it was dope I would have one last bender... this is when many addicts overdose, this or a relapse. This is when the fat girls get the last of their favorite tubs of ice cream in and all those completely forbidden foods. In large doses. Its the workaholic working double time before a holiday.
I used to convince myself its because I would become ill with over dosing myself on the addiction and then it makes it easier to purge it. To some extent this is true... but more in truth for me it actually just spins the addiction tighter making it harder to release. So this is why many juice cleanses speak about phasing in to prepare your body and mind and as well to wean off the addictions. Ease the symptoms.
Well I am weaning off all my addictions and its hard not to swing the pendulum into complete purge. Not working my full hours in a day is easy for me. I am not monitored in my job. As long as my list gets done it doesn't matter the hours I put in really. I have to be very careful here as my negative mind or inner critic as I have spoken about before can start to chew the shit out of my self esteem and then lead me into an addiction to shut her up.
Working my allotted hours is not a joke to be taken lightly. Its the real deal to keep me on track to this detox. The two hours here at this blog will be the reward for getting the four hours in. I am trying to reset my dopamine paths within my brain. This would be a good reset I think.
Well thats my concern for today. Keeping my work balance. This in turn dominoes in a good way my over eating from boredom. The cycles can spin upwards as well I guess. I sure hope so I have one hell of a cycle to unspin over the next three months.
Questions for you... Do you struggle with workoholism? Do you swing the purge pendulum and struggle to get off the couch to go to work?? Here is another great article on the effects of over working and how it compares so closely to that of a crack addiction.
In my experience sex, food and working have been more detrimental addictions for me then drugs ever were. At least with drugs they are not accepted by society and therefor help is found easily if you want it and funding in plentiful for those needing to bow out of the rat race in order to get better. With workaholism... You don't work, you don't eat.
Well this is better. I have moved my computer to a location I can sit comfortably and write. I miss writing. My platform and where I promote it is shifting however. I used to write for my family and friends on facebook. However this caused some unease for me as I write some pretty personal stuff about myself and my family in these pages. But I don't know any other way to market my writing.
I want to share my story in the a way that takes the reader on a journey through the trials and tribulations with me. But my path keeps shifting and taking on different avenues and down back streets that what once a reader was comfortable with now they are not. How do I change and keep my support group with me?
When I started this blog it was definitely drug recovery focused. As that shifted away from my trails I hid all my Narcotics anonymous posts. But I don't feel right about that because it has been a pivitol part of my journey. Yet my support group from that time era has moved out of my scope of vision as I no longer adhere to the strict rules that the fellowship holds themselves too. So I feel like a hypocrite.
Keeping my family in the loop of my recovery was okay until I began to unearth the childhood traumas that brought me to the sick cycles I am looping now in my life. Its uncomfortable speaking about how much I hate my mother when I know she reads my blog. Because In truth I don't hate her but in this point of history I really need to hate her to express the feelings that keep finding dope as the only way to release.
So how then do I market this blog? I have hit over ten thousand reads and have had many personal comments about my journey but that's not what I am looking for. I want to have more interaction with people in general on this platform. I need a new support group and finding it in the physical in my small northern city is not an option at this point. I need to move into this new era of online support.
So I am going to once again revamp my blog. My focus more on detox and living in the void. Sharing my experience of what happens when I enter into the void. A new look and new pages and researching new markets to launch myself from. Its time for me to enter into a new era of my healing journey and invite new people along with me.
Its a refresh stage!
Please I invite you to comment below. If you have been reading my posts up till now, let me know I would love to hear from you.
I need to manifest a better work station for my blogging. Pulling up my brown leather chair from my sofa set and sitting in front of my 42 in tv is not working or me. The mouse doesn't reach my right side so I am forever crossing over my body to click the little thing.
All in due time I guess. This move from my three bedroom town house with a full basement to a two bedroom apartment with a closet for storage is turning out to be a larger adjustment then I anticipated. Part of the detox process I am in. Less in rent money affords me a job with less hours so I can focus on self care and reblancing my addictive self.
I always taught my weight loss clients to first visualize where they are going and then take baby steps to get there. I am taking my own advice today. I haven't defined where I am going yet, only that I was in too much pain to stay where I was. I don't think I am ready to define where I am going. The pain of staying the same is great enough right now to keep me motivated. Maybe I will remind myself of my vision when my motivation during this detox period fades.
Baby steps is what I am looking at right now. Part of my addictive cycle is purging. I get a huge high off the self discipline it takes to completely purge my addictive substance of the moment. I love food fasts, the spiritual high I get is intense while starving myself. I feel empowered when I am able to say no to sex or drugs. I also feel great when I don't spend a dime and put it all in savings.
All of these actions though sacrifice my self care. Food fasting masked as detoxes have there time and place, for me its too addictive and has no place in my world. It just keeps me in a sick cycle of bingeing after I come out of it. I might not binge for a very long time but I always end up back into a binge cycle where the purge after is the sought after high.
So today I need to take baby steps out of my addictions. Its easy to say no more wine or weed. Neither I have indulged in, in an unhealthy fashion for a very long time. To go three months without them doesn't break a sweat on my forehead, even six months would not cause an issue. I enjoy wine occasionally and have proved to myself its not a substance that spins me out of control, more just a rat Lady Vixen is surviving on. So this is a detox step that is very easy to take and considered begun yesterday on my day one.
Food is going to be the trickiest at this point because its a daily issue and it has so many layers to it. I am drawing heavily from my time as a weight loss coach here, I am starting with cutting the foods out that I know make me sick instantly. Timmies coffee, pop and chips are easy to go. I don't like them all that much and they are so toxic for me they hold no benefits.
I will have to look at not having large cakes or sweet treats in my house. I cannot control myself if they are within my grasp. Its the same with weed. I cannot have that in my home or I smoke it till its gone whether I wanna smoke or not. I eat cake whether I want it or not if its here. So my goal this week is to get rid of all sweet treats from my apartment.
The romance junkie is working overtime to mess with my mind. I remember why sleeping with this recent guy was on my off limits list. Its hard to shut this addiction down once its opened up. Sex is so good with him its all I can think about for days after. I wake up to thoughts of it and I fall asleep to thoughts of it. Which lead to increased libido which needs attention and cause I am not acting out, well I act in the privacy of myself.... if you get what I mean. Which means I am breaking my no sex rules.
This is an area that will need constant work over the next couple weeks but once I am free from the thoughts I will be able to breath some relief for awhile in this area. It will be after a couple months where I will start to climb the walls and the true work of this detox will come into play.
Well there you have it my report from day one of my three month total pleasure seekers detox. Baby steps. Revised plan. One month phase into the total detox. Three months in total detox and then one month transition back into healthy living. I will devise a list of what is being detoxed within the next month and will have it posted on my home page.
I invite you to detox with me and share in my journey. We can do together what we could not alone.
On the eve of my impending three month detox, I was blessed with a gift to indulge one last time in a behavior that is not so much detrimental to my being as it is unhealthy for the path I want to embark on.
I am grateful for the call from a man I can trust to take me into my last unhealthy manipulated dopamine spike.
I love how awareness works for me. Because I knew this was going to be the last time for awhile that I would play in this arena and maybe a forever, I was entirely present for each and every single moment of the process.
As the inviting texts began my heart rate started to increase. Having been with this guy several times in that past two years I know fully what to expect. My body loves what this man draws out of it. My mind is already replaying every single one of our past interactions.... of course only the highs.
As I let the memories dance in my mind I began to mildly shake. Like this rippling vibration was taking over my body. I have never noticed this before. I compared the feeling to dropping a hit of ecstasy. If you have ever experienced MDMA before you might have experienced your body's vibration shift and this flood of excitement followed by peace and intense love. I am sure its the flood of dopamine pulsing through my veins that cause my eyes balls to shake
I could almost stop the process at this point because I believe this is truly the high I get, the full anticipation of what I know is about to come. And if it was any other man I would languish in this moment as long as I could. But its not any other man its the one that has found a way to make love within the context of a booty call. Intoxicating.
Plus Lady Vixen has already kicked me out of the drivers seat at this point, there is no stopping this bus now. Nor do any of my inner beings wish for this to end yet.
True to my expectation I was delivered to the stars, around the moon twice and placed so gently back on earth it almost hurts to say goodbye. Well two days later now.... it actually did hurt to say goodbye.
The high is still seeping through my energy fields but the lows are filtering back in again. I fell pregnant with creative energy and in the past i used this energy to seek out more of that high. This is where the addictive cycle would always start for me and the insatiable desire to have another night with this fine specimen of a man. But alas...... I am in detox today.
So I choose to nurse the high, ride this wave till it naturally crashes into the sand. What I believe to be what normal people would do in a similar situation. My belly is still warm with creation and my heart is still flooded with the love induced.
Its my head that I struggle with. The flipping thoughts of wanting to contact him and the realizations that we are not meant for each other in any other compacity then this. I feel sad and the loneliness that induces threatens to crush me. Until I flip it around and feel grateful to have had a moment like this on the eve of my three month detox.
One thing that learning about dopamine has done for me is its removed the shame from my acting out. We were both consenting adults that talked about what we were doing before and after. I feel good about that. Even in a once so unhealthy it was detrimental to my life situation, I have seen tremendous healing and growth in the guilt and shame area.
It is this process that has convinced me I am close to that last level of recovery. I fully believe that one day I will be free of the pleasures that had once bound me in chains.
Sex and an insatiable desire to be loved without putting the time and energy into making something real has been the heaviest chain to bare. Food and a slave to eating my feelings away during socially acceptable thanksgivings where gorging one self is a time honored tradition. Working and making more and more and more money to buy more and more and more stuff is a silly cycle that already cost me my family. And well of course there are the drugs that stripped me of my humanness.
I have at some point or another already detoxed from each and everyone of these as I have already stated in my post the other day. But to do it all at once is only acceptable because I am on the last layers of detox. Its the rats that I feast on that are keeping lady vixen at bay and not destroying her entirely.
I have conquered her demons already. Its time now to remove the rats from her grasp and let her wither from starvation.
I have been on the recovery journey for a pretty long time. Hindsight is one of those things that help you to see that you have been on a path that has gone much deeper then you realized.
Its my birthday this weekend. Coupled with the new moon and the partial solar eclipse. In my little reality of understanding that's a power house combination. I always set an intent every year on my birthday for the upcoming year. I always do a tarot spread laying out the frame work for that intent and pay close attention to the pitfalls heading my way within the intent creation process.
This year as was my intent for last year, is too see recovery wrap up in my life. I wish to circle the last wrung of this cycle that I have been in for most of my life. I once believed that I would never get out of this pattern as it is who I am. A part of me felt that it's a disease that will never be far from my reality. I no longer believe that.
Through experience I have proved to myself my addictions are not a disease. I have come to learn my addictions are learned coping behaviors and manipulation of my own chemical reactions to release dopamine on my terms. I have mastered how to keep my serotonin and dopamine levels spiked.
Not the greatest thing to master if you ask me.
When I came into drug recovery the hindsight for me was understanding my three years working at a weight loss clinic not only afforded me my own weight loss but taught me how controlling food was in my life. A piece of chocolate cake spikes a dopamine rush. I was over 200bls because I abused sugar to keep myself in a rush state.
And like dope there was always a crash after the spike thus creating an obsessive pattern.
Working in a job that is rewarding and recognition is cash bonuses, is a toxic environment for me. This is a much more recent realization for me as I am in a position now where there is no recognition for the work I do and no major thrill for me to do it. Many benefits to my job yes, but no dopamine spikes that's for sure. Money is another place I get spikes, getting the paychecks and spending them give me the highs and lows that food did. If I won the lottery it would probably kill me, it would be like the crack to my weed addiction.
And of course sex and men is the most constant basket I have put all my eggs in. That dopamine spike has the full range contained within it. Mild self play to the intense drug accompanied orgasm brought on by the hot guy. Nothing and I mean nothing compares to that shot of dopamine and serotonin in the same moment in time. Fantastic. For a moment. then the crash hits. As it does every time with every single one of these toxic poorly motivated avenues of pleasure.
My bad cop of the good cop/bad cop therapists has asked me to abstain from all of the ways I act out on my addictive nature. I have been in this process of elimination for over ten years now. Learning to eat properly was my first elimination. I know exactly when I am eating to stuff a feeling, to control my happy brain drug. She has asked me to stop that. Apparently I need to move past awareness again.
I can do that I did it for a few good years. I had wonderful discipline in the food arena. Problem was I replaced my food habits with dope. So she has asked me to quit all drugs including glasses of wine. Again, no problem, I have seen years at a time without these aids. Not worried, piece of cake..... ahhh, nope scratch the piece of cake, cant go back there.
K cant drug, cant over eat. Fine lets get busy and work!!
Ya right, the devils therapist says no money over the amount needed to just live on. No part time jobs, no extra funds to spend, no playing with money, no distracting myself with work. Fuck. Now she is starting to dig into places that are getting scary. She says I keep my addict alive this way.
Its all about the motivation behind things. Every single one of my addictions is acceptable even down to smoking a little weed to relax. Problem for me is that I have gotten so good at interchanging them that I am a slave to my addict not the substance.
And lastly all things sex and boys needs to go for the next three months.
Let me repeat that.... all..... things.....male.....and sex...... needs..... to.....be.....abstained.....from.....for.....three...... months!!!
Double fuck with chocolate sauce. That my friends is asking a lot of me. It is only now that I am starting to feel the full power lady vixen has had over me and my life. If its not food over eating it was toxic men and dirty sex. If it wasn't dope it was over working. There has always been something that I have been a slave too.
Let me lay this out more clearly. Eating healthy is a pretty accepted fad these days. lots of info available for people to understand how to eat well and the effects that has on your body. People are becoming more aware of the stresses of work and money and the bad behaviors that over working can bring out in people. Shopaholics are funny little women with a closet full of shoes and a pissed off, broke, over worked husband. Right? We have bread acceptable addictions and even healthy ways to get out of them.... but what about sex?
Sex for me folks is never with some one I love. Romance is never with a guy I am truly attracted to. Its a cycle of chase and conquer and move on. Read my blog for the past two years and tell me how many guys I have been in love with, how many guys have been the one. lol Huge joke.
Giving up sex is like giving up a food addiction. You have to learn what is healthy and what is not. I have learned what is healthy for me with substances and what is not. I am now learning what is healthy for me in my work field and what is not. I am learning what I can handle for cash and what triggers the crazy in me.
So to abstain from it all, at the same moments in time. Fuck. I will have to learn a whole new way to cope on a way deeper scale then just the one categories I have been dealing with up until now. I am grateful I have worked a full set of the twelve steps and am aware and have accepted my lack of control with my addict and have bared my secrets and am still working through my resentments. Because now I can go deeper in my understanding.
My therapist explained to me the purpose of this is to reset my dopamine levels back to normal. She also included that rewiring the brain to healthy ways to release dopamine in a more natural way where I am not a slave to it. That coupled with intense counselling around my childhood traumas.... hopefully will enhance my over all reality in the end.
It means I am moving out of the disease of all or nothing thinking. I will fall in love one day and make amazing love to a super hot guy. I will work a career again that I am passionate about. I will be able to have a piece of cake and be able to stick to just one slice again and I will be able to have a fat bank account again one day. And I can go back to enjoying a glass of wine occasionally with my dinner and have a night on the town with the girls without it ending in the random one night stand.
I know this to be true because i have achieved this in all the areas of my life at one point or another recently. I have just never tried to do them all at the same time before.
But first I must detox Lady vixen out. Oh goody. I am looking so forward to this. I invite you to journey through my discomfort with me... it will be .... joyous. not.
The power of positive thought. You control your reality. What you see around you is what you have created for yourself. You choose your feelings each day. You choose your thoughts each day.
These are all beliefs that I have come to live by. I have a good life because of these tried and true beliefs.
I am swinging the pendulum back into depression.
For the past few weeks.... hmmm... maybe more stretching into a couple of months.... I have been working over time to counter my negative feelings with positive thoughts. I have engaged in all the happy activities that pull me out of the slums of my mind. I have even accepted that I am not really in a truly happy phase of my life today in hopes that this acceptance and action will change the course of these blues.
I have even fell victim to my old ways and sought out distractions. All the distractions that once worked are no longer holding any power for me any more. I am not getting the relief I have achieved in the past from my toxic but effective behaviors.
My beautiful therapist, the one I have been walking with the past year, not the devils mistress she has brought on board recently to pick me apart, asked me if I have ever been able to just sit with my feelings.
I realize I have never been able to stay entirely present with the process of my feelings. I have in the past been able to acknowledge my feelings. It was fun during the acknowledgement phase to begin to understand and actually meet for the first time many of my feelings. So when she asked me this I was pretty confident that I had sat with my feelings before.
Staying present with them in their entirety is a totally different ball game I am coming to learn.
I have become a master of manipulating my feelings. When I came into drug recovery the main focus was not using mind altering drugs to change your feelings. In that process I became very aware of the replacements I used instead of drugs to change my feelings. Sex and love relationships of course became very obvious and for me was the chicken before the egg in my already aware reality.
Work was another replacement for me feelings. In early drug recovery I was advised to try to take a year off work and relationships. I never understood why then, but I understand that now. They are pretty great distractions to our feelings. I can throw myself into my job and into a relationship, thus catapulting myself out of my own energy and into something else.
Another way I get out of my feelings is through fellowship and friends. Becoming overly involved in service to others is a really great way to get out of yourself....a healthy and honorable way. Not saying this is a bad thing, just like working a job you love isn't wrong or falling deeply in love and loosing yourself isn't wrong either. It's the motivation behind these acts.
All in their place and time.
Staying present with the process of my feelings good and bad, but not getting entirely sucked in and stuck is the lesson I am engaging in. Learning to reach in and not out is where I am at today. I asked the universe a few months ago to teach me how to be strong within myself. A friend said to me the other day home isn't a place you go to, its what you carry within you.
Learning to sit with my hurts and not get back together with the guy to get out of them..... accepting that I am depressed and not sauntering out to get a part time job to fill my time so I don't hurt...... letting the stings of my addictive cycles sink in and not rush out to get loaded..... Are the only ways through this phase of my healing.
I want to become fully healed. I believe in full recovery from my addictive nature. I have the utmost faith in the fact that one day I will look back at my life and be entirely grateful that I moved away from a limiting story that held me trapped in a life that was continually torturing me.
I am not an addict. I am a woman that was never taught how to cope. I am not a co-dependent. I was a woman trapped in a society that breeds dependence. I am not a Christian, Pagan, Mormon or any other cult like persona. I have a very strong beautiful goddess within me that guides me through my feelings and thoughts when I am still enough to hear them.
I am staying present with my depression so that I can understand why I create this story I am living. I stay present with the process so that for the first time I can come through the cycle and not get trapped like I have for decades.
The trick I am finding to staying present and not drowning is to stay in the moment.... every moment. Within the depression are these incredible moments of peace, which when recognized and honored lead to a deep love of self. ((I am having one of those moments now.)) Finding the beauty in the sadness. Understanding that there is a purpose behind every feeling when you are surrendered to your higher power and are constant in the moment.
Today.... I am OK being depressed. I am actually better then okay, I am.... enjoying it????
Saying good bye is never easy. But it is easier when you have many distractions surrounding you.
I am in a new apartment. Moved from my three bedroom townhouse that I originally acquired with bad boy number two, or, was it bad boy number three, ...well the crack addict anyways, that I had to kick out after only a month of living there. My new apartment is free of any tainted memories and much more manageable two bedroom bottom floor apartment.
I am in a new job. Actually care-taking the new apartment I have just moved into. I have well over thirty full grown beautiful thriving trees to prune on my property and a football field worth of grass to green up along with four flower beds to create. Forty six apartments to serve by keeping the halls and laundry rooms cleaned. This is a stress free job for a great wage and reduced rent. Heaven in my reality.
My life is perfect for the letting go process I am entering into.
I said good bye to Mr. Beautiful Crazy today. The man that lifted me up on to a new platform. The guy that made the most impact on my life by telling me my crazy was what he liked best about me. The first male that I fully trusted and the first male I allowed to treat me with respect and dignity.
So why am I pushing him away?
Honestly. I don't really have a solid answer for you. Other then he doesn't feel right anymore. Our conversations leave me feeling lonely and less then. I don't know what switched where, but it did. Do you believe some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a life time? Yes? Well I think Mr. Beautiful Crazy was just a reason. And now unfortunately that reason is over. http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2015/06/a-beautiful-crazy.html
He is not the only one I have had some amazing closer with in the past thirty days.
Bad boy number 2, or 3, maybe 4? Oh hell, I will call him what he was, the crack addict.... sent me a letter last week. I never read it. Ripped it up and let the pieces of paper fly to the wind. Along with all that was left of him in my heart and head. There was nothing good that could have came from reading that blast from the past so i didn't bother tormenting myself with it. I am proud of my decision. http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2013/04/when-pain-of-staying-same-becomes.html
My incredibly sexy, 25 year old, hottie that swooped in and collapsed my world was the third of four goodbyes that I had the pleasure to experience recently. I was able to do him a favor and left all the hurt and chaos created by my over active hormones on the table as I walked away from him. Both of us satisfied with the closure. Seriously happy for the physical amends this brought into my life. http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2015/05/reflection-in-shattered-mirror.html
And lastly the man that brought me into this phase of my healing last summer was given the opportunity in a weakened state of mine to lift me up and place me gently back on my feet a few evenings ago. With no ripple effect causing any sort of harm or damage. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for that one. Even though I know now I will never go there again, I am content knowing I can love and let go and be alright with it. http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2014/01/sexual-healing.html
I am happy and humbled with all four of these incredible opportunities offered to me this past month. Its a clear sign in my quirky little reality that all is well and I am ready to move forward with the next phase of my healing.
Ugh just the word itself invokes the gag reflex for me. Who the fuck in their right mind and in thier freaking prime would want to even play with the idea of swearing off all things men?
After too many years of crashing into the brick wall, I guess I can say.... this girl.
I am ready to embark on a deeper level of healing. I am ready to invoke a stronger bond of creativity within my life. I am ready to peel back another layer of the onion to see what I find underneath the layer hidden behind the random parade of men in my life. Men are a distraction for me. A toxic excuse to avoid my purpose and to skip merrily off my path. It wont always be that way for me, but right now there is nothing healthy that comes out of even the best laid intentions with men in my life.
Saying good bye to the last male I had sex with today was like a release from the chains binding me to a person I no longer am and really truly never was. I am liberated, yet at the very same moment saddened to almost a heart broken place. I have broken my own heart.
The lack of respect I have shown myself has definitely manifested in all my relationships male and otherwise. I am growing into this new person and respect has gone to the top of my list. If I cant respect myself who else will be able too? This is why I need to take a good step back and look at my relationships with men. The same way i had to take a step back and look at my relationship with food and dope. All void fillers.
Celibacy will be all inclusive. With no definite time frame for completion. This is not an all or nothing mind set. This is a massive detox of all things that bring out the obsessive nature in me. I want to get to know the me underneath the obsession of the void fillers. I want to begin to create from that place within me. My expectation is to be able to truly embrace all of myself, now that I have easily lived and loved my darkness to its full potential.
Its easy to say good bye to the void fillers when the healthy distractions are brilliant.
I have been struggling with coming here to write lately. So much is shifting in my understanding of my life and who I am within it.
I had a mentor tell me once I had incredible courage. They were referring to what I wrote here in my blog. As I grow up and learn more I feel embarrassed sometimes with what I have shared here about myself. Obviously Lady Vixen is not my real name, its who I refer to as my addictive self. But I do post these links to my personal facebook page and those who know me well, read them.
I struggle more then just sharing with my friends who I am and where I am at. I struggle with looking back over my thoughts and realizing how off I was at certain points and just how crazy I can indeed get.
It embarrasses me to know that I can swing the pendulum from a fairly intelligent articulate woman, to a bat shit crazy, hormonal, raging teenager. But again, I am learning why this is and it eases my feelings and invokes the need to come here and share with you why I am the way I am. In hopes that if you suffer from bat shit crazy too, you can find peace in your own mind through my public crazy.
Thats why I am bat shit crazy.
I have a new Therapist. After my last post and all the excitement of finally having a therapist that is picking up on my patterns and ready to pounce on them...... she has passed me off to someone more qualified to deal with me. A therapist that is an expert in the field of addictive personalities.
This whole blog has been about me learning to express my feelings in a healthy. Thats what Narcotics Anonymous taught me was my problem if I was a drug user. So learning to cope with my feelings is what I put my focus on. Which is not entirely wrong I do need to learn to deal with my feelings. However deeper then that is the cycling of my addictions.
My pattern is this.
Food (overeating to the point of almost 250 lbs),
Drugs (starting with weed working my way up to Meth),
Sex (starting with a single guy who rocks my world working up to strangers in the park)
Love ( finding the guy that shows me love and draining him until I am begging for a thimble drop from a man with the look of pity in his eyes.)
Then I get angry at all these patterns and purge all addictions and become a workaholic at the continued neglect of my daughter and self.
Binge, Purge, Binge, Purge.
I get as much high from the Purging as I do the Bingeing. There is a serious high that comes from doing a food fast. And there is always an addictive reason behind everything I do. Even in my purges.
Its nothing but a huge elaborate process to keep my dopamine spiked, once its been triggered to spike. After a crash, my chemicals return to my normal and I am back to happy, articulate, humbled B, ( The crash is never pleasant for me or those I take down around me)
So this new therapist is setting me up on a program to help me break this cycle once and for all. My hopes are that I will be so fully aware of my patterns that I can stop them before they trigger a dopamine response. But if that spike hits without warning, which it does often, that I will be able to slam on the breaks and crash myself before I need to travel around crazy town firing shit up.
The belief that a relapse starts way before the actual relapse has been wiped out of my mind. Its not an inaccurate belief, its just not accurate for me all the time. Sometimes the most sexy man will walk into the room and my hormones will flare and I will be off and running without any warning or prep time. This may be the difference between addictive personalities and those people wishing to get out of painful feelings.
I think, As we evolve as humans so do our medical afflictions. What was once coined as the devils drinking disease and was limited to men and whiskey has now evolved into a bat shit crazy myriad of symptoms infecting us in every corner of our minds. As people we are getting more sick, committing deeper crimes and we as a society have more diagnoses to create to solve these ills of society.
My anger at my abuser and all that were involved at that time grows and deminishes at the precisely the same moments of understanding. Am I part of the problem or solution.... or is the problem itself the solution?
This is why I truly struggle with this blog. Am I just creating a space in cyber world that is a dumping ground for my ills thus infecting those in the pages close to me. Or am I processing and healing the illness inflicted upon me when I was too young to defend myself and your on that beautiful journey along side me?
Well whatever may be, it will be. Today I still find comfort within these pages. So write I still shall. Till next time when maybe I have an even deeper awareness of what an addictive personality does to get past the label and on to living a full and complete life free from dictating chemicals.