Hello my name is Brandy and I am a recovering addict.
I can relate deeply to this meditation today. I don't have years clean but I have become complacent in my program a few times, born out of my need to rebel and do things my own way. I always seem to want to integrate back into society before I am ready with a mindset that I will not become like the NA lifers and be attending 3 plus meetings a week in five years. I realize now that this is a dangerous attitude to have because it separates me from the addicts living a program. It tries to re connect me with the normies, as some addicts call them, outside the rooms. This thinking clouds the fact that I am an addict... Always have been and guess what, always will be. When I try to identify and relate with someone who is not an addict I get confused, frustrated and lonely.... Which leads me back to the same place as it always does. Isolation and using.
It seems each time I get comfortable with being clean I forget how much other addicts have done to help me feel loved and accepted and I have got to go try this out in the real world. After a few attempts I now have a solid conclusion that I like the feeling of belonging and feel good about extending that feeling to a newcomer coming in that desperately needs to feel that way as well. This attitude will keep me in the rooms and hopefully clean for a much longer time.
Getting into a relationship for me was that too good to ever fall feeling that took me back out. The reading warns of the good feelings being a trap and i must admit i have ranted about this to anyone who will listen. i don't use when I am miserable, I use when i think i have regained control. When I fell in love with a man in the rooms, I truly felt invincible with my 'soulmate' by my side. It took a few months before dope made it's way back into my veins, subtle and slow was the slip from grace. When I woke up four months later in a new town really far from home, I realized I was not above the program and my rebellious nature would end up killing me if I didn't surrender it.
Of course the surrender process takes some time for me as well and I took a few more headers before I finally began working this program in all my affairs. I work very hard at keeping my head in the grey area, not too high and happy and not to low and miserable. Keeping an even balance and being steadfast to my recovery. That has taken me through some of the toughest challenges that my life has seen to date, and has rewarded me with the longest clean time I have ever had.
Step ten, eleven and twelve worked on a daily basis has saved my life. I keep a priority spot for giving back when life is good for me and reaching out when it isn't. I realize today that I will alway need the fellowship of this program no matter how much clean time I have under my hat, because I am not built like the normies of the world.... I am an addict, and it is only through the acceptance of other addicts that I can truly begin to love and accept myself... As I am, as the goddess created me.
So....'Just for today: I am grateful for the good times, but I've not forgotten from where I've come. Today, my first priority is staying clean and growing in my recovery.'.....
Thank you for letting me share, I am a grateful recovering addict named, Brandy.
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