Why do I beat myself up so much? I slept in this morning. Why do I always feel so let down when I sleep in? I know its my favorite time of the day. Before the world wakes up it's so peaceful. I write the best during that time. These are the reasons why I beat myself up, but can I not allow myself one days grace to sleep in and enjoy the comforts of my bed until after the sun rises? Can I not allow myself to get up with the rest of the world?
This crazy level of expectation of myself and God's will for my life is what I want to discuss today. I have been challenged this week to stand in my truth. The truth of my being and I have become aware of just how difficult it is for me to be true to myself and move away from societies expectations of me... and my own expectations of me.
There are so many avenues I could go with this topic, however I want to try to keep the avenues to culd-u-sacs to back the point I am trying to make. I am definitely one for very quick digression so I am forewarning an apology if that happens.
Recently I made a decision to move away from a body of people and a program of recovery that I strongly feel no longer serves it's purpose in my life. It was a very tough decision to make for me because it went against what I was taught to believe. I cannot explain in detail how or why I made that decision as I am learning that our own higher powers work differently for each of us. I just know without a shred of doubt it was the move I needed to make.
So why then when people challenge me on it, do I quiver and shake in my boots? If there is no doubt in the decision, where does the fear of their accusations weigh on me like a tonne of bricks?
This is where the culd-a-sac's form, so bare with me. Power is one culprit that wreaks havoc in my world. Learning to stand in my own power and trust that my power is strong, true and worthy has been a difficult journey. I am used to giving my power away. Not so much to women but most definitely to men. When a man questions me I am left second guessing myself. Looking over my recent history with men I find pure disgust attached to the memories of where I allowed them to walk me because of my inability to stand in my truth.
I am learning to hold my power in the face of men. I can say No and still be respected. I can say I don't want to walk that way and hold on to my original plans. In my past power outages with men I was so easily lead off course and today I find that I am standing more firmly in my resolves.
Let me drive out of that culd-a-sac before it becomes the freeway that it could be.
So making a decision and standing in the power of that in the face of a Male has been one challenge that I overcame this week. I feel better and stronger after thinking about what he had to say and still concluding that this is the path for me. I didn't feel the need to defend but I did want him to understand where I was coming from.
That is the second culdesac I want to drive down... Peoples Perspectives
Last night my eldest daughter got in pretty late. When I heard her I felt disappointed that she had been out at the bar. Quickly however I reminded myself that she hasn't been out to a bar in several weekends, Halloween I think being the last time. It also dawned on me that she doesn't go out on the balcony before bed anymore and I have not smelled weed in the house for..... a long time. So why was I agitated?
As I listened I could hear her and a boy giggling and flirting right below my bedroom window. A sick rock dropped in my belly. I was flashing back to where all those kinds of giggles had lead me in the past. I began to pray that she not follow that same path. I was a mess thinking about it. I was just about to get out of bed and enforce my parental views on her when she said goodbye to him, thanked him for getting her home safely and came into the house alone.
My guts just melted then as I realized my daughter is a healthy, single, 20 year old. She is not me. I have never had a healthy single early 20's experience. I do not understand where she is at, I will never understand it. It was not my path. I am grateful that I am smart enough to see that and can allow her the path that I worked so hard to be able to provide for her.
I fell back asleep understanding a fundamental truth. We all have our own paths to walk.
As much as we can empathize with another we can never fully understand why they choose the things they do. I truly could not understand how she could say goodbye and not go home with him. Just like people from my recovery group struggle with understanding why I can leave recovery with the confidence I will not relapse.
The third culd-a-sac I want to peek into which is truly the one I must watch from becoming that, no speed limit freeway, in Germany. Gods will vs. Societies standards.
My best friend and I spoke at length about this all week. Touching on how we are conditioned to think by mainstream society. Talking about our desires and how many times those are seen as negative and subdued. We dived into the rules of our world and whether they still serve us or not. Funny because all probing exploration like that always takes me back to addiction.
The rooms of NA left a deep impression on the inner regions of my mind. Part of the reason why I needed to leave and yet I embrace the wisdom imparted. To become a productive member of society is to question it's functionality..... maybe not to always conform. Having a strong set of moral values is necessary before confrontation however.... The rabbit hole deepens a bit with understanding where your codes of conduct come from. Most morals are dictated by society, the circle a viscous one.
Society teaches us fast food and TV are completely acceptable forms of past time. That's changing. I have rebelled against both since the beginning of my time. Why did I go against popular belief? Because it didn't feel good. When I fell out of grace with humanity and entered the world of the walking dead it didn't feel good either but I didn't care ( I was in too much personal pain to care). Society has been pushing for years to legalize pot and sells billions upon billions of dollars in already legalized drugs. A productive member of society says what to this? Nothing because most people are in there own self created hells that antidepressants get them out of. ... Uh ooohhh angry digression comes quick.
Personally I don't care because I live my life from my higher self and not the waves of corrupt politicians looking to make a buck.
So if popular belief goes against my higher self's will for my life, how do I stand up to that? Just about being mobbed at my younger daughters friends bday party was a rattle and a half for me. I am not the popular little genie in a bottle, bewitched, witch amongst her friends moms. As was made clear when another friend asked to come hang out at our place last night and was given a very shaky no.
Following ones path I guess takes courage and some sort of blinders to the ways of others. Fearful accusations of others. I am learning as well on my part, it takes a bit of modesty and respect for other peoples beliefs and opinions. A deeper understanding that others peoples opinions of me are none of my business. But deeper for me still is to know that society is not always the leading fashion on whats hot and whats not.
Let me go just one more place in my experience with walking in my higher powers will for my life. I work at a very unstable company where the owner is a young male trying to make it in the world. He has great ideas and solid plans but it's been a tough go of it for him. Some weeks I wonder if I will get a paycheck. Yet my heart stays with him because I have experienced way to many coincidences and synchronicity's to ignore. I am in the right pace even if it's a bit challenging. I have never lost a paycheck and to be honest I have received a tremendous amount of bonus's. Even with these understandings I proceeded to see a career counselor to get into school and become a social worker... a dream that I now believe was society approved. After coming to the conclusion I would be a fabulous counsellor I felt that the path was not for me. It was not easy setting up things in that direction. The coincidences were not there and the drive to go in that direction was nothing more then ego based. God's will for my life is to walk with this company and help it grow.
I know that now only after I had to test it out. Again I cannot explain how I know other then personal sign posts along the way that only I would get. Communication with my higher power.
Being true to who you are and standing in that regardless of what society, your friends or your families think of you. That's what I am learning today. Having a foundation and a deep connection to your higher power are all musts before you embark on standing in your truth. To be honest you don't have your own truth until you have made that connection to your higher self. Or maybe that's not correct, your truth is to your ego before you make that connection to a higher place within you.
I know today that without a shadow of a doubt I am in my higher powers will for my life. Do I have fears? Fuck ya I do. Am I terribly uncomfortable... hell ya I am! Do I rant and rave at my Goddess some days? Yup, just as I would any mentor asking me to do something outside my comfort bubble. Like tell the world I am a witch! However the rewards that come with it are even greater then the sacrifice.
So here is too continuing to walk along MY path. Sharing it in hopes that you find the courage you need to walk along your own path. Here is to hoping we can all allow each other our own paths without judgment or condemnation.
I love you in all your truth.