What does ascension mean to you? The process of awakening?
......But hello to those of you who are choosing the path of ....... i don't even know what.
When I started this blog and I named it addiction to ascension I knew what it meant because of all the books I had read about ascension and awakening. I knew that's the path I wanted to travel and so began my journey here. I really did not fully understand what it meant to be awake or what that looked like to me.
As with all my manifestations I am mildly to majorly shocked when they become real in my world. They never seem to be what I had expected, some are very disappointing and others are over the top to what I had expected. Awakening is no different. I am feeling both sides of the spectrum.
I cannot fully define for you what awakened looks like. I started a page up top about what addiction looks like in relation to being asleep, in a coma. I cannot yet define being awake other then what others have wrote about it or shared their experience of it. The first real good information I have received was recently through a netflix documentary about this guy that woke up one day seeing spirits. He shared three years of his life as he struggled to understand what was happening.... he was awakening.
As I wake up more and see the world I live in clearer, I also see myself clearer. I can observe the idea that I went into addiction, drug related addiction to numb out my already awareness that our society is fucked. That I was fucked. Most of us are tranced in to believing that toxins are healthy and social acceptability is the only way to survive. Now that I am more clear sighted I can see that this is the money makers ways of keeping us eating out of their hands and I could launch into a huge conspiracy theory. But I don't want to launch into that. How does that make me happy?
The more I awaken to the way the outside world works the more I want to go back to sleep. The more I Can recognize the truth in people the more horrified I am to learn that some people are not all good underneath. As my rose colored glasses are removed I feel blinded by the reality we create as a collective.
This is not a place I want to live.
I am tired of reading how my food is killing me and tired of talking about it myself. Or how the government is corrupt, or how dental procedures are leading cancer in this world...... or how stepping out of my own fucking door will some how lead to me being horribly infected with some kind of zombified gene. Half of this shit is media lead fear and the other half truth.
I call bullshit on it all. Feeding into this energy is not the answer. Participating in it is not the answer. Buying into it is not the answer. Ignoring it is not the answer either.
I am learning that going deeper into the alpha state of consciousness on your own will, awakened, not tranced by outside influences unknowingly, you can find your own answers and understandings to what it means to awaken. Finding your own answers within your silence. Going within is how I am learning to shield out the illusion of this toxic world. Shielding out is what I need to do at this present moment. I need to find a way to take cover and regain my balance to find my own understanding to what is going on in my outer reality.
In the past I drugged, ate and blissed out to numb the harshness of this reality. It was all forms of keeping myself asleep and away from the truth. Its not an easy path to walk into full awakening, it takes courage. Marianne Williamson says..Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us
I can see that now. It's easier to stay numb to the truth.
I am learning to de-hypnotize myself to the trance state I have been inducted into. I am learning to turn my attention inwards and focus there. That is what the 12 steps taught me as well as my courses and studies of recent. When our inner realities are calm our outer worlds are as well. I believe this and have experienced it. What I am diving into now is a new layer of this.
As I go deeper into myself I see how parts of me are darker and create some of that conspiracy in the collective conscious that we all see together. That truth has been really really tough for me to handle. This is part of the awakening that they don't share in the books and movies. You are part of this reality we all share. If you see the shit out there..... guess what your probably creating some of it within.
I am coming across character defects that definitely wreak havoc on the world around me. My inability to accept change is one of them that creates a vibration of dissonance around me. I see my negative energies most clearly reflected in my children. When things are good within me, my relationships with my children are harmonious and the way they behave is in like fashion. When I am struggling internally with something, my relationships are a bit more rocky and the way my kids behave is more challenging.
This ripples out to their friends and my friends and so on. That's one of the ways I effect the collective reality. My thoughts and feeding into the toxic sludge is the other way. What we focus on becomes reality. If all we see and think about is how our society is fucked then thats what we are gonna create more of. What we put our energy into grows. I have been putting all my energy into going back to sleep. Hiding from life, from my own light. I don't want to do the work. I am being resistant to change and not dealing well.
This is part of the awakening process they don't tell you about. How hard it is to see the truth and rise above it. To get to your own inner light you must do the work and face your own inner darkenss. To see the world and people for what they really are and still be able to dig below all the shit and find the small spark of the divine living there underneath. To be the light in a room full of darkness and to be able to hold that as you can clearly see the demons that lurk around you. That's the test of real light. That is the true nature of sharing what you have been given. I easily hide in the darkness hording my light as its takes much less courage then facing those demons and exposing them for what they are..... just shadows.
On a flipside....One of the things that drew me into drug addiction was the over the top focus to hold your light, always be in the light, share your light. Gag me. To be in your light all the time is perfection and well let me tell you about trying to live from that place. If you can do it, your fake and not being honest with yourself.... which truthfully is another form of staying asleep, you just found a healthy place to nap. We all have that darkness within us... the truest truth is coming to understand that even the darkness is part of the light.
I have traveled parts of my life path in total darkness and reveled in it. I have traveled other parts in the full brilliance of light and was blinded by it. I think my current understanding is to be able to marry both paths into one and let the grey/silver path be my entire truth today. That is what I will put my energy on... balance and the child who wishes to no longer sleep her days away....