Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Shedding: Raw and Vulnerable

**Original Post date: 1/28/14.  A Recent Reminder**

My little boat on the river of life didn't survive the waterfall I just had the pleasure of experiencing in a very intimate way.  I did though.  Not without a world of hurt however.

I read a great insight within the pages of a NA book the other day.  Thats the only part of the program that still works for me here in my little city.  The words on the pages reminded me of how high our pain tolerance can be.  Many people in the world that have experienced trauma have a high tolerance of pain because of it.

 My pain tolerance is beyond measure, I am just starting to understand.

I always wonder why my close friends get upset when I allow someone to treat me poorly, or work in a situation that is not safe.  Too me it isn't bothersome.  I have endured much worse.  To healthy 'normal' people what I tolerate isn't okay.

My tolerance is lowering.  I am becoming aware of my pain.  I think I am finally in a safe enough and secure enough place in my life that the pain I have held so deep within me is starting to bubble up, releasing itself.

I always knew in my guts that this time would come.  I have been deeply afraid I would explode in blinded rage and destroy once again everything around me.  That fear is subsiding now.  I see that I am learning to handle my feelings better.  I am understanding and experiencing the benefits of walking through these emotions.   Sometimes I have to seek out many opinions before I can even identify what it is I am going through.  I have been enlightened to my own shedding process that is going on today.

 I am almost feeling grateful for this shedding.  I say almost because today and yesterday the pain has been rough.  Shedding is an uncomfortable process.  I have always enjoyed my own self induced sheds.  Decisions made to walk away from situations or people in my life that no longer serve a purpose in my evolution or theirs, are easy sheds.

This shed not so much.

I am fully understanding the impact of moving away from a program that brought me back to life.  I love NA and I really wish I lived in  larger city where there were more healthy people involved with the fellowship.  I don't know if I would still come to the conclusions I have.  Maybe it is just the belief I have that we are always meant to be walking forward and that even means away from programs of growth.  Or maybe that's just my personal situation in this specific situation.  I feel we become like the five closest people around us.  I don't want to be labelled as an addict.

That is the first shedding that I am doing.  Moving entirely away from a fellowship that I do indeed love.  It feels like moving away from home to go to college.  Exciting but at the same time scary as hell.  I have experienced the exciting part already as I haven't attended a meeting in months.  Now today I feel the disconnection finally happening and the shedding of that part of my life.  Even though it hurts, I still know for me and maybe only me, it's what I need to do.

The other shedding going on is from My ego maniac with the inferiority complex.  It is really painful when you offer yourself to someone and they gently say 'no thanks'.  Part of me is in total bewilderment as to how someone could even refuse a gift I offer them.  Thats the ego maniac.  The other part of me feels embarrassed and bruised.  Thats the inferiority complex.

Walking through dating always presents challenges to the insecure person.  I knew that going in.  I also know one will never get over those insecurities until they do it.  A few times even.  I have always held the understanding that not everyone connects with everyone, either gender for any reason.  Their are many people in my lifetime that I just didn't connect with and that was okay.  I had no issues pussy footing around the issue that we just didn't connect, whatever it's life.  Funny I never experienced someone not connecting with me before, not like this anyways.

I am shedding the skin of my ego maniac.  This will be a good one obviously.  Can't tell myself that today though because it means I must let down some of the confidence that keeps me moving forward.  I need to find a new way to be confident thats not so egotistical.  Rough lesson that one.

The best shedding going on though is that of my little abused girl.  I walked through something recently that has brought up such intense uncomfortable emotions.  The emotions that I thought I would never be able to handle.  But I did.  I opened up in a way I never thought I would be able to.  I got real with myself in front of another human being... actually a male human.  I was not received well and I was okay with that.  I say I was okay with that because of my high thresh hold for pain... which works for me in this situation.  I also say it because it helps my ego maniac realize that sometime I need to go through things and say things for my own benefit not others.  The strength it took to say what I did was more then I thought I had, but I did it.  I walked away from that situation feeling a new sense of personal power.

In my power there are still feelings, deep painful feelings wanting attention now.  As I stand more in the truth of who I am, the more these intense feelings will work through me to be release once and for all.  I can see the process, I can understand the reasoning and even see the end results.  All I have to do now, is get through the feelings.

I really feel I am starting to mature.  I really feel that I am getting a better handle on my emotions.  I truly feel that I am letting go of a very sick person and becoming like those closest five people to me.... healthy thriving women who all stand in their personal powers regardless of what the social group thinks of them.  I know I am on the right path.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sexual Healing

** Original Post 1/25/14.  Reviewing and reposting for Reminders to self. **

I am still on the topic of sexual healing.  

Hahaha and not the kind Marvin Gaye sang about, although maybe.

I set the intention this year on my birthday last September for full holistic healing.  I went into ritual and called on the Goddess Lilith, or demon depending on how you receive her.  Her history shows that she was thrown out of the Garden of Eden because she refused to be Adams subservient.  She wanted equality and he wasn't okay with that, so abandoned she became.  And thus starting women's inferiority to men and deep feminine issues that bled and festered.  Lilith's reign of anger after is all she is known for.  

I want her to teach me a better way to heal my wounds of abandonment and abuses by the hands of men.  I want her to teach me to let go of my anger so that I stop recreating and inviting the abuses of men.  Awareness of how I draw to me through the way I talk and interact with men has bloomed recently.  I feel disgust.

She has taught me a few deep lessons in the past couple of weeks.  Now that my inner critic (that inner voice that haunts us with our fears and inadequacies and holds us back from our own light) is gone and no longer preventing my intuition from speaking up and guiding me, I have been knee deep in learning experiences.  The experience I want to share most here today is the one that occurred most recently and rocked my boat the hardest.

I have such great visuals for letting life flow now.  I see myself in this boat going down a really wide river.  Almost as wide as a large lake.  Lots of scenery all around me. Always changing.  I have full control of my river.  I can choose to keep my river calm and uneventful, just flowing with serenity.  Content to just be. Seeing the beauty around me and honoring it with a grain of salt.

 ...... Or I can let creator work the river in the ways that are needed not only for lessons to be learned in my life, but to also work through the earths needs to regenerate.  Learning to control only my boat on the river, and being okay with that level of co-creation.  I do understand fully that I can control everything in my river if I so choose.  Drug addicts reign! 

 That means sometimes I will have to endure waves and storms that push my strength and mental abilities to stay alive.  I will have to maneuver large obstacles, sometimes I will have to even get out of my boat and swim.  My river trip will be exciting and eventful.  I will experience the element of surprise and have to develop courage in the face of fear.

 But then when those times come that the sunset is breathtaking I will not honor it with more then just a grain of salt.   I will have acquired a wealth of resources to honor it with.  I will honor it with a joy as deep as the fear I felt when the wave threatened to take my life.  I will see beauty so vibrantly that I wont need a gratitude list to keep me in check.

That is my new visual for when life gets harry scary for me and I am walking through something big.... Like yesterday.

I felt like my heart was in a vice grip.  There were times through out the day that I felt like all the life was gonna be squeezed out of me.  I couldn't breath at some moments the pain was so real and overwhelming.  There were even moments that I asked for my life to be taken, just to end the hurt I was feeling. It was intense.  I am not being theatrical here, truly I was real sad. 

Tears wouldn't stop, they were the cleansing kind though.  Know that today I feel like a whole new person and am eager to share the experience only because of the valuable insight I have gained from it.

I have learned that in order to deal with a trauma, or any issue I guess that needs to be worked out of your life because the patterns it creates are harming you, you must be willing to walk through experiences that trigger it.  This is the rough part of the river the creator creates for you, not the shit you sling in order to be noticed.

I was so afraid of ever being triggered.  Much more comfortable staying in my bubble of serenity where life runs smoothly and no chance of past pain can find me(powerful creator and my calm river).  I feared the slip and fall from experiencing pain like I have had in the past.  I feared the bites and bitter attacks I would unleash on the unsuspecting from learned coping mechanisms passed on to me by Lilith, Mother of all strong women wanting independence.

I can confidently say that I survived such a trigger Thursday.  The pain from that trigger felt yesterday and again survived.  Now today the moving forward and returned to happiness and pride.  No one was harmed during my experience and I did not fall and crumble into nothingness.

I am speaking a lot without actually sharing the details of what transpired and am questioning myself as to why.  I think I am trying to mature in my writing and wonder if it is the details of the personal experience that is the benefit  or if the learned lesson is enough.  Vulnerability is the only difference.

 I guess I need to keep getting vulnerable for my own healing.......

You see what happened is that I learned I am utterly broken sexually.  This I got to witness first hand Thursday night as a sexual experience occurred for me.  It began during the day when I was sexting my impending sexual partner.  I was texting an erotic story in the present tense and then at the climax of the story I switched over to third party.  I was deeply disturbed by this when I recognized it.  It was at that moment I was shown in my little mind all the places I have 'checked out' sexually in my past.

I never realized that I even 'check out' before.  I had no idea that the person I am in everyday life steps out of my body and in comes this whole different energy.  I know I have heard other people speak of it and understand the concept, but just didnt think it happened to me.  I always feel in control.  This person that steps in,   I do believe this is who I have referred to as my Lady Vixen.  I have confused her with my addict, with my Ego and many other things over the course of this past year and a bit.  I can truly identify her now as a created persona I used as a child to keep me safe.

I had a dawning understanding of this dissociation when I got over to my sexual partners place.  As the evening progressed. I can see only from hindsight that I was not comfortable, nor connected with him.  He was tired and not fully present and I was very unnerved and too present.  It was only a matter of moments that Vixen jumped in and took over.  She ended the situation for me very quickly and very gracefully.  No drama, no issues.  

I am grateful to Vixen again only today.  Yesterday my heart was a mess knowing that a bad behavior surfaced and I was left feeling disgusting and again utterly broken.  I really want this issue I have around sex to be gone.  I just want to be normal in this area.  However the path to that is to work through the issues.

This is why experience is so important to me.  There are the twelve steps I could work through ten times to get a softer healing from.  I could see a counselor again and go onto my fifth year for an even softer approach.  For me however walking through it personally has had way more benefits then either of those other ways.

So how do I move forward....

I know now that I must feel fully connected to the person I am with.  Meaning they need to be fully present, as do I.  I need to feel relaxed which means I need to be in respect and trust with them.  I need to know that I can quiet at any time.  I also need to let my sexual partner know what my needs are in the moment.  Thats the true lesson for me today.  Learning what my needs are and how to ask for them to be met.

So many women go without orgasms or have never even experienced a true one because they do not have the confidence to ask for what they need.  Men truly do want to meet our needs, they want us to enjoy the union as much as they do.  I WANT to enjoy it as much as they do.  In order to do that though I need to work through some shit.

Why is it so important to work through this sex issue, you wonder?  I believe sex is a very very large part of connecting with your Godlike self.  I see sexual union as the most direct way to achieve a state of Ecstasy that we humans seek.  And if we are not seeking it then I believe its because you are afraid of finding it.  To be in that place of complete connection is second to none.  I can reach it in meditation but only to a degree of what I can tap when two people acting in their higher powers together can achieve.       **Spoken as a true addict of Sex.  Getting right with yourself and holding your own vibration and then coming together with another is the gift to achieving the state of exstacy first in yourself.  I was still seeking outside myself that feeling of connection that can only come from within. 4/27/14***

Plus I have decided life is about living and interacting with people, regardless of how painful sometimes, it is a wonderful experience.  I want to know everything I can, I want my life full of excitement and experience.  Half the reason I was into drugs in the first place is the excitement it brought to my world.  That's an excitement I can now achieve clean through pushing out of my comfort zone on a continual basis.  

So a new layer of my sexual healing onion was peeled this past week.  I can only imagine whats in store for me this coming up week.  Time is accelerating as we all begin to vibrate at new and exciting levels.  By next week I should be entirely healed!   lol. 

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Demons out of the Darkness


This is the last day I will be entering my blog on this ratty old Toshiba Laptop.  Yay!   I bought a computer yesterday.  Just a cheap one.  One that can get me online confidently and can perform the casual functions I need.  It's funny how even small things like that do a number on my mind.

When I bought my TV it did the same thing for me.  I have a huge issue with owning assets.  Such a funny thing to struggle with in this world but I really do.  I think two things come up for me when I buy big ticket items.  One is the consumerism game that I detest playing and the other is owning things that I could lose again.

Consumerism for me plays half the part only because I understand on a deeper level how to get past that issue.   I didn't buy the TV to become a couch potato.  I bought it to cuddle up with my kids and watch movies on.  I didn't need the TV to feel like I fit in with society, I bought it for the experience it creates in my little world.

The computer falls under the same category.  I need it to blog effectively and I need it for my online courses.  Yet even knowing that I still feel yucky over the purchase.  I still feel overwhelm lingering in the corners of my mind and now anger is building up.  What is going on with me?

My emotions have been all over the map this past week.  Full moon plays a part I am sure.  Actually I do believe reading that past issues will come up to be dealt with this month..... hmmm well this is for sure a large past issue.

As I move more into my life I feel the need to put a halt to it getting stronger.  The toys I am buying even though they are pretty small remind me of a day when I lost everything I had worked so hard to build.  I feel much these days of a time in my life when everything crumbled to the ground.

I was in the city of my crash and burn the other day and the emotions it brought up have me feeling way terrible.  I hate feeling terrible.  I had a quick supper with my son, I could barely sit there and face him.  When I would look into his eyes all I could see was the destruction I caused him and his sisters all those years ago.

Why is this all coming up now for me?  When life is finally starting to get good?  Ghosts haunting me.  Reminding me of my massive failures of the past.  In the corners of my mind  feel a darkness lingering there, threatening to invade at the first sign of weakness.   I feel like this past weekend I have weakened.

Hahahaha, that was funny  Weekend and Weakened.   Sorry distracted by a shiny thing....

I am always going on about creating our own realities and sometimes I feel I am very alone in this concept.  Although I know that I am not and by shutting out the people that can help me understand this I am effectively inviting that darkness to invade.  Thats what I have done, I have shut my teachers out.  I am overwhelmed and want to learn nothing more.  I want to bury my head in the sand and forget this whole process of growth.

I created an amazing reality once.  I brought myself from poverty to upper middle class.  From over 200lbs to below 150.  From socially awkward to confident and flirty.  I had the career I loved, the house and cars and the perfect nuclear family.  I had it all.   And then.....

I woke up one day and it was all gone.   It hurt beyond any measure of feelings I could  give here.  This is where I feel alone but know that everyone experiences some pain in their lives.  I beat myself  up for many years about how I lost it all.  What I did to cause my massive crash?  I over analyzed and picked it to death.  I stayed in a place of defeat for a very long time.  Safer I think then to get back up is to just stay sitting.

I did finally get up though.  And I have been working really really hard at dusting myself  off and taking small steps forward again.  I have learned much about why my reality crashed in the process.  It wasn't truly what I wanted and I missed a few parts that I did want but could not have in that current lifestyle.  I have learned that the crash itself was still part of the creation I am making now.  These are a few of the things that have made it easier to move forward at what feels like mach speed.

The darkness that I have allowed back in is the fear of falling so hard again.  Of hurting so many people again.  Of building up and losing it all again.  I really do not think  I could survive that over again.  Honestly.

So it may just be a computer but it has triggered some larger issues for me.  It was suppose to be just a simple quick supper with my son during a work trip to the city but it opened a dusty old trunk of feelings needing to be addressed and then let go of.

Letting go is not my strong suit.  I do not do it with grace and ease.  I lash out and bite the hands that feed me.  Its a rocky bumpy process for me.  I need complete solitude.  Yet its in isolation that those ghosts grow into demons.

So bringing my issues to the light.... handing the glow stick to Casper.

I get to chat with my Hypno teacher Thursday and am looking forward to diving into my second course today.... on my new computer!!  I gotta keep moving forward its the only way to  go.  Ugh... I hate the heavier side of life.

The reality I truly want is right around the corner.  I am already living half of it.  I didnt realize before my crash that this is what I had been manifesting the whole time.  Sometimes we need to be very sure of what we want.  We need to know that the path to get to our desires might not be the path we envisioned.  If we are asking for something that we need to be stronger for or wiser for or wittier for, we will be faced with the challenges in life to create that need in order to achieve that desire.  It was always said in the rooms of NA jokingly dont ever wish for more patience or you will be in the longest lines at the stores.

It is fairly obvious my desire is to hold the entire world in the palm of my hand.......

Friday, January 17, 2014

Overwhelm... Crash and Burn

 In the past two days if I have not been at work I have been asleep.  Hiding under my new huge Egyptian.......  comforter my daughter got  me for xmas.  Haahaha I had to stop at the Egyptian part.  Why have I been hiding you ask?  After such a great weekend and the natural high I have been cresting through my hypnotherapy class and all the Ascension experiences I have been having.... why duck my head in the sand?

Overwhelm.  Complete overwhelm.  Crash and burn sisters.

I have this pattern I am working through without the help of prescription drugs and that is the managing the lows that always follow the highs.  When I was street medicating I would switch up my weed for some Jib when my lows got to low and vice versa when my highs got to high.

I have went into hibernation to reconnect with my spirit and seek the answers I need in order to understand how I ended up in complete crash overwhelm in the first place.  I am always so grateful for this blog because it was here that I found my answer.

Several posts ago I wrote a few posts about  self care and relapse.  I am always aware of self care being a highly important part of maintaining my equilibrium.  Aware that is until life gets going really good and I forget the little things that got me there.

I went back into my blog and pasted an entire entry here for you to reference and for me to remind myself of what I need to do.  I think I will go back to that time in my blog and study a few more posts, like the stages of relapse too.  This one that I included here is called,  'Take care off yourself Like No one else Can'.

In the past two days my spirit has shown me how Christmas was the first step in my self care slide.  I stopped working out.  I stopped eating properly.  Xmas has a way of allowing one to slip in these area's and the mind not feel its effects immediately due to all the outside excitement in the  world.  After Christmas I still had my son which kept me from paying my bills so I had extra money for groceries.  Allowances slipped and I pushed all things financial  under the rug.  Huge no no for me in the self care area.

I see now how much the budgeting thing for me is  a very large trigger in setting me off in another direction.  I have a very deep fear of being back living in my car and not being able to take care of my kids.  Even though having survived that I understand on a level unknown to me that I will always be taken care of and life will always right itself.  I just don't want to go there today.  lol

Once I stop all the  self care tricks in my life that's when I begin to seek outside influences to balance me and and calm me.  I got to high from the energy of xmas, my son and the new course I am expanding into that I couldn't come down from.   My mind then does one of two things.... it seeks its own high or it crashes.

I sought my own high this weekend and today I am coming out of my crash.   Again I want  to be all dramatic about  it, but I am pretty okay with the whole process.  I needed these two days to reconnect and figure out where I got off track.  My off track these days is so positive compared to where I once got off the track.  The two day breather allowed me to take a break from my course.  I took  break from all my relationships.  I took a break from the outside world.  Everyone I think should be taking breaks sometimes, do you not get overwhelmed over Christmas?

I am going to leave you with that as my computer threatens to crash as well.  This extra reading bellow is from a previous post to remind myself of the things I personally need to do  to reground myself.  I invite you to explore it and share the ways you also ground into mother earth and this reality.

I would write more but this laptop is also experiencing  high volumes of  overload and wont stop crashing during this post.  A new computer is on my grocery list this weekend.  So until next time.... Peace and Love


So much to write about and not fast enough fingers to keep up with my train yard of thoughts.  All week long I think of what I want to share today and by the time I get to today my life has already moved far past that original thought making it obsolete.

My internal personal growth astounds me on a regular basis.  When you are ready and open and willing to move ahead in life and you take all the proper steps, things move at the speed of light.  That has been my experience anyways.  Maybe its because I have been actually learning this for ten plus years now and it is just finally clicking.  Truly I am  slow learner.  Personal growth and spiritual Ascension is a process and maybe I am just finally seeing the results of some hard worked process's.

Whatever, it is what it is and learning to just, be in it,  is my lesson for today.

Self care, that's what I want to write out today.  Recently I wrote about the stages of relapse, now I need to physically connect to the ways in which self care keep me grounded and healthy.. body, mind and spirit.

There are several points Melody Beatty makes in her self care checklist, not all apply to me so I am only going to focus on what I need in order to stay healthy.  I highly encourage anyone on a recovery path of any sort to read a Melody Beatty book her wisdom on getting healthy is second to none.

Maintaining a daily routine is imperative for me.  I used to try to make my routine so tight and rigid every detail of the entire day planned, that when it was knocked off balance I was a mess for days.  Today I focus on only a few things to keep my days feeling somewhat in my control yet learning to just live life on its terms.

I have a morning practice of meditation.  I spend thirty minutes first thing in the morning with myself doing deep breathing exercises.  I have learned that I hold my breath when I am stressed and didn't even realize how shallow breathed I was until I began deep breathing.  When I take enough oxygen into my system I am less tired and have way more brain power to function.  Doing this daily also helps me check in with my current state of being.  Some days I can barely focus on one full breath because my mind is so cluttered with stuff and other days I have perfect rhythm and clear mind the entire practice.  Learning my states helps me understand when to act on a thought or feeling and when to let go.  This is the sole practice that I cannot let go of or my days go out the window.  I truly don't know how people function that don't practice daily mediation.  In the evening I sit for an hour with my deity in prayer, journal writing and guided meditation.  I do a daily gratitude list in the evening, this time is my step ten where I process my day.  These two practices are my daily routine that keep me grounded and moving forward, this today is my program.

Setting and achieving daily and long term goals.  Constructive planning.  Appropriate decision making.  These are all things Melody speaks of that come without saying when you are on a healthy path.  If these start to slide or you lose focus of these its a warning your not working towards something and we all know if your not moving forward your sliding backwards.

Personal care is another big one for me.  I love the feeling of rubbing a nice cream on my body after a shower.  I enjoy how sensual it makes me feel when my clothes slide along my skin instead of rubbing against the dry patches on my legs.  I like using products that help me to feel pretty and smell nice. Plus a great bath with scented lavender oil makes for a great sleep and rest is key to a healthy lifestyle.  I also like dressing to feel good.  Eating a nutritious diet is a big one for me as well.  When we eat proper portions and follow the Canada food guide our minds and emotions even out and we become balanced within our body.  I exercise on a daily basis as well because this gets me out of my head and into my body.   Being connected to my body is very important for my overall health as I tend to live from my head.

Setting boundaries, resentment free and accepting my emotions is probably the toughest areas for me.  It takes me awhile to recognize a feeling.  It takes me a bit of time to work up the courage to set a boundary and once its set and accepted by the other its even harder for me to keep that boundary myself.  Knowing what my needs are and then seeking to meet those needs is I think another number one for self care.  Its when I ignore my needs that I start to slip into the escapism and the bad behaviours.

Working through feelings of anger have been a recent struggle for me lately.  Understanding that attaching a thought to a feeling is not necessary and that is actually the process by which we create the resentment in the first place.  I learned that I don't have to be mad at someone in order to work through a feeling of anger.  Sometimes we have feelings like we have thoughts that are just random and don't need a tonne of analyzing to work through.  ..... That my friends is a huge huge lesson for me!  I don't need to act on every feeling just like I don't need to act on every thought.

Connection with people.  I am now learning this on a new exciting level.  Part of my self care regime is letting my loved ones in, really giving and receiving love from the people closest to me.  I never realized how much I can give but how little I allow myself to receive.  Being tapped into a higher power I have tonnes of Love in me, that's not an issue, letting people in to love me is.  I am pushing my comfort bubble these days and getting more intimate with my children, my close friends and my co-workers.  It feels a bit scary but at the same time I can feel the respect and love come off of them towards me and it encourages me to keep going.  I had no idea I was not open to love until now.... until I began to feel it.

The last thing on my self care list is... having fun!  I have spent such a huge part of my life working so hard on self help perfection strategies that I have lost sight many many times to just enjoy life.  We are meant to just be, not to figure out the workings of the universe in one day.... we are here to play and laugh and experience a physical reality.  I must keep this fun front and center in my world or I begin to backslide and then seek out the unhealthy ways I used to have fun and well we all know where those ways take us.

Well there you have it... The self care checklist.  Moving beyond a program of recovery into a living program of overall health and vibrancy. As the saying goes.... as long as I follow this way I have nothing to Fear.   I am truly excited about my jounrey these days and where it might lead.  I feel like Forrest Gump, just floating like a feather on a breeze.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Self Connected Possesive Love

During my bath after work to clean off the allergens that were threatening to rip my nose apart, I had a revelation.  Not just about the allergens from my bosses shop.  Man I am sure there is dust and dirt fifteen years old in that place.  Not to mention the energies of a lot of dead and drug addicted souls as well.  I am sure half the reason I was placed in this job was to help my boss clear the nasty energies away from his crew and equipment so he can finally turn a profit.

No the true revelation was born out of the stress created from my dance on the moon this weekend.

I have struggled with obsessive thoughts about the poor guy connected to my adventure.  I understand this as a pattern.  I hook up with someone, have a great time and then all I want to do is exhaust and saturate my self with the repeat of that good time.  Why is that?

I question a lot these days what healthy looks like.  What it means to self love.  Before my weekend I was very content in my life, in my singledom.  I wished for a little romance to ease the longing to be touched, but I was very clear with my wishes that I  did not want a relationship further then that.  So why is it today that I am already going back  on that?

How come I get so lost so fast in this  reality?   During my meditations I achieve what I did with this guy.  I find the same pleasure in many activities I partake in apart from a sexual union.  So why then do I feel obsession/possession over this guy?

The revelation I had was that I achieved that great state of consciousness with another human being.  I can do it alone during mediation but to reach it in the presence of someone else on such a deeply intimate level is lucrative to me.  It is that experience I seek again.  I become possessive of the person who shared that with me.

Looking deeper I realize that I have had similar experiences and going back the second time sometimes lacked that connection and sometimes it was there again.  So now my mind has eased a bit back into a pleasant place of understanding something new.   Obsession is that drive to have  something that is thrilling for me.  Now that I know I might not achieve that again all expectation is off and obsession has subsided.

I am left still baffled by how powerful obsession is.  I have big plans for my life and being in a committed relationship would definitely make those dreams harder to manifest.  I have learned how distracted we can become when romance is entered into the equation and I don't want that in my life right now.  I want a friend.  I want to make love to that friend.  I want to leave it at that.  But enter in my obsessive nature and I throw all my desires out the window in pursuit of that one maybe not attainable experience again.

Good ol' Christians were on to something when they spoke about temptations that take us off path.  I manifested what  I needed in the most unexpected way and now I must move back into that unexpecting place and continue on with my life the way I was before the weekend occurred.

I was happy in my world of fifth dimensional exploration.  I am stressed in my pursuit of third dimensional satisfaction.  Shifting back is I think the real lesson for me here.  As I move more into awakening and how to live between the realities Transitioning I guess is something important to know.

I don't even really know what I am talking about.  Its amazing how much I learn and how fast I let go of that knowledge because I learned something new that makes more sense the very next day.  Good thing I am not worried about looking like a fool.  I love the fools journey.

Hmmm..... So am I healthy or not?

Monday, January 13, 2014

Sex and Shadows


I need to write.  I have so much going on in my outer realities and my inner ones.  I don't know where to start or what to focus on.  I want to discuss the different levels of reality.  I want to talk about learning how to manage feelings the way we manage thoughts.  But most of all I think I want to talk about sex.

Lets talk about sex baby, lets talk about you and me....   (sang to the beats of Salt and Peppa if you missed that)

After this mornings meditation and the oracle card I drew as an answer to my concerns, I decided it will be sexuality I discuss today.  It is still such a taboo subject even though the media saturates it.  It is also a main theme of this blog.  Part of the Ascension process I think.

I want to launch my personal part of this post off with the words.... I am struggling with....  However I stop myself.  I am tired of struggling and I feel way to much of my focus in life has been on my struggles and not on my victories.  So I will start with....

I am processing through a shadow side of my sexuality right now.   If you have been privy to my journey since the beginning of this blog you will know what kind of weight that sentence holds.  I have over processed the idea that my sexual addiction was stronger then my drug one or even my food addiction.  I spent a lot of time in these pages trying to figure out not only why I fell into the grips of addiction but what my real addiction truly was.

I have learned from hindsight is that there was no form of addiction that I was actually partial too.  I wasn't addicted to any 'thing', I was addicted to a 'feeling'.  Food, drugs and sex all brought me a high, a feeling of connection, enlightenment and joy.   Maybe not food in the same way as drugs and sex, but for sure in a subtler way it did.  Obviously those things brought me other benefits and downfalls as well but it is the aspect of feeling that I want to discuss here.

As I move deeper into recovery of my life I find I am being faced with my feelings.  With the inner critic removed and no longer lopping my manic thoughts, my feelings have been brought to focus. Or lack of them....

I realize after the crazy weekend I have had, that I have been actually holding my breath where living life and experiencing feelings has been concerned.  I have been content to stay in my balance, keep to my little famjam and spend my extra time in meditation.  I have been working over hard to keep my job at an even temperament and all my outside experiences within my realm of comfort.   This has been safe for me and has kept me focused on the larger picture of my life.

This focus has been on experiencing the different energy feilds of the third dimensional reality for which we live in this world. The sex I want to discuss is tied into this energy field. The fourth dimensional reality which is of the Gods/goddess's that I work with in my rituals and the fifth dimensional energy that is more pure prime creator and the arch angel vibrations.  I love this focus and am quite comfortable spending all my time here.

Except that in my meditations I keep getting guided back to 3D (third dimensional, this world) experiences that I am advised must be worked through.... the one front and center is my issue  with my sexuality.  The one that you haven't heard me rant about in months.  The issue I have worked so hard on moving away from because I am done dealing with it.

Who am I kidding?   What I want and the path to get there always includes something challenging to walk through.

So let me share a story with you that has been developing in the shadows of my world.  Funny I say shadows, the card I drew today was about the shadow self and embracing that part of ourselves and bringing it to the light.  I feel like I have been hiding something from my readers that have been following this side of me, the Vixen that loves her sex and chaos.   The card advised bringing it to the light, out in the open for healing.  I am not comfortable discussing this as I feel like  its a backslide.  even though I do fully understand its me moving forward.

I decided a few weeks ago I was going to start dating.  A slow nice easy gentle transition into a couple enjoyable  movies or dinners with some new and interesting people.  Living my life hiding from the fact that I am a fully active female in her prime was beginning to bother me.  I knew in my guts that I have been wasting experiences by hiding in my meditations and not living in the outside world.  Having been burned by my own lack of control in these situations that I felt drawn to partake in again, I am much more comfortable experiencing them from the comforts of my mind in my cushy meditation room.

So I have dated but two guys and already my emotions are rampant and I am swirling  in the pits of my own feelings.  I want to be all theatrical and say I am drowning, but i am not.  I want to say I am in chaos, but I am not.  I want to say that I am gonna run back into my meditative state and learn my lesson there, but alas I am not.   I need to process here.  I need to share that in order to not only see it for myself but also to show other people that struggle with intense feelings that its okay and 'normal'.

I have come to realize how deeply tranced we are into believing that our feelings are the enemy and we must go to any lengths to kill them within us.  I am learning not to act so blindly on them at the same time as just accepting them for what they are.  I can choose my feelings like I do my thoughts.  I am choosing to have romantic feelings because its part of my life as a woman in her prime.  And I desire those feelings.   Even if they do scare the shit out of me, and even of I am resisting them like a motherfucker!

So the dating has brought up feelings of excitement, which I have missed.  I get excited about alot of things, but getting ready for a date with someone you have never met is thrilling.  I have had feelings of deep passion, as I get to know an acquaintance, turned friend, turned lover.  I am surprised when I learn things about people that my prejudgment had me thinking the opposite about.  That surprise has lead me into my own evaluation of judging others.  The surprises have been very pleasant.

Those are some of the good feelings, like getting dolled up for a date... rubbing sparkly cream all over your body.  Applying your make up to perfection.  I miss those actions.  I do them for meetings, or to go out with friends, but going through the motions for a date are extra thrilling.   I am stalling on the good feelings because one of those dates brought about some pretty negative feelings.   A counter to the good.

The thrill in dating is not knowing what or who you are gonna meet.  Not knowing what you will learn or what you will experience.  The old part of me that is being recovered loved that thrill.  Life to me is about that thrill.  The recovery part of me that was so harshly beaten up in addiction is scared shitless of who I could meet on the other side of that thrill.  That fear being strong obviously manifested itself for me during only one of the dates, but reared its ugly head it did.

He was charismatic, outgoing, confident and a foreigner.... all rolled into one perfect package made specifically for me.  The date started well lavished with compliments and wide smiles from my approving foreigner.   Acceptance being one of my deepest desires, I am sure you can relate.  Man that feeling of being adored, of being wanted.  How enticing it is.   And how blinding it can be.

His compliments never stopped after the initial meeting, they grew.  Grew to grotesque proportions.  Ruining any truth that I wanted to believe lived behind the words.  I am a smart girl I know guys say whatever they need to, in order to get what they want.  But even with the intelligence and logic behind me, I did get caught up in this guy.  He was very good at saying the right thing in the right moment.  It was not long before we were off to his place.  All the while part of me was screaming inside.

It was such a surreal experience.  It was like I knew that he was not sincere and that I didn't really like him, but I wanted to see where this would go.  And it wasn't that I wanted sex, because in all honesty he had turned me off when he told me he wanted tonnes of babies with me.  ewe.  Even after I told him I couldn't have kids he kept talking about it.  Unable to change his created persona I guess.

It was only moments upon entering his home though that I decided I had gone to far in my desire to explore and understand this slimy creature.  Nothing got out of hand physically.  Just my emotional state.  I left without any issues from him... Thank my spirit guides for that!   I have spent the last two days wondering what it was I was lingering for though.  Was I in that much need to be lavished with compliments?  Even though I knew they were insincere?

I believe it was that.  What scares me though.  In my past I would have believed that guy and would have allowed myself to become trapped there.  I could then seen all these women I have crossed paths with in life that have been caught there.  This guy was a predator that prays on the insecure woman.  I have met him before.  I have been taken by him before.

I got away this time.  I am not that insecure little girl anymore.  I had a moment where I was unsure of that, but it was fleeting.  I instead drank in his compliment and ate the fabulous Salmon meal he bought me.  I allowed myself to feel his compliments even today still.... And of course revelled a bit in the fear of how close I came to be taken again.

Which leads me into something I teased a few paragraphs ago.  Which some of you might of caught.

 Learning who I want to give my body to and whom I don't has been a huge life lesson for me.  I went though the process's in my addictive past of giving my body to anybody who so much as glanced desire at me no matter how insincere and fleeting, hence the current lesson.   But now I am learning how sacred sex can be and how much I have abused it in the past.

It's that abuse that has kept me from it today.  However like food one cannot live without sex.  I am sure there are people that can argue that, but it's just not my belief.   There is a connection that goes beyond this world when you intimately connect with someone. A place beyond meditation, beyond drugs...  If you both are in the right head and heart space for it.  I went to that place this weekend.

I told you it was an eventful weekend and I didn't know where to start.

 See in my meditations I can experience lots but to share it here is hard because there are no words or feelings attached to those experiences.  No lessons even really.  My meditations just are.  However living in this world and experiencing here leads to so many lessons, and feelings and contemplations and introspection.  Those are what we all are to be living for.  Experience.  We take those experiences back to meditation to be examined, one cannot solely live from a place of meditation.

Acquaintance turned friend, turned lover.  There is a magical chain of events that occur when you don't manipulate or even envision an outcome too an interaction.  I never seen this coming with this person.  This is the real situation that has my feelings all in knots and questions.  With the Creep date I was in control and I even somewhat knew what I was in for through my spiritual guidance.  My guides never warned me of this though.  I didn't see this coming and I don't know how to process it.

Part of me feels uncomfortable bringing it to light here.  Its like sharing a very private part of myself.  The only reason I am is because of the history of this blog and my own personal history with this situation.  In my experience when friendships get taken to sexual levels people get hurt.  That's my projected fear and to be honest not even on my part but his.  I can handle my own hurt, I cannot handle my part in hurting others though.

Part of me feels that I have not learned my lessons yet in this area, but then another part of me pipes up and says this is new and I need to walk through it with new eyes.  I am brought back to what society has tranced us into believing that sex without  being in a committed relationship is bad.  I am brought back to getting carried away with feelings of affectation.  I am brought knee deep into my own fears of letting my feelings get to high.

And really my friends that's all this entire post has been about.  That addiction to feelings and learning to get along with them and not fight them as I have been taught to.  I watched the movie Eat, Pray Love right after my world was rocked by this guy and I was reminded that life is about finding balance and then getting knocked off that balance.  To live in that place of complete solitude is a wondrous highly encouraged thing but to share the benefits with another human being is pretty cool to.

As we connected physically, (bowchicawowow... thats my porno song....) I was catapulted into a place I had never ever been before.  I felt like I was on the moon contemplating the creation of the earth.  It was fantastical and I was higher then I have ever reached via drugs or meditation.   How can that be wrong?  How can I deny myself that?   Of course my unhealthy history shows me that I have abused that in the past. That's what my mind fears.  Yet I need to  constantly remind myself that I am working diligently on my health.  My experience with the other date proves how far I have come.

So am I wrong for where I let the friendship go?  Or did I even have any control of that at all.  It really did just happen naturally nothing was forced on anyones part.  So why then do I even need to analyze and process it?  Because I am peeling away from what society tells me and what I feel as truth within my being.  Why share it here?  Because I vowed to be fully honest in my Ascension process regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me.   Sex I think is a huge broken concept not only in my own reality but that of the entire worlds.  Had I slept with the other guy  I would have proven to be broken still.

So what makes this choice different?  Respect.  I respect this guy and myself and I feel that this guy respected me.  I don't see respect as a committed relationship or a romanitc love affair.  I see it as if i wanted to stop he would have been okay with that and still held a friendship with me.  I see it as someone who is not afraid to be honest with me and say what he needs to.  i guess its trust then.  I trust this guy.... ohh man that brings ups some stuff in me as I write that.  Trust and respect is what I need to have in someone before I can give them my body.

Oh man thats terrible, am I growing up?  Does this mean random sex with strangers is out of the question??

Okay I need to be done writing now, lest I learn more adult things about myself.  Thank you for allowing me a safe place to share my experiences.  I send each of you love and vibrations from the moon!  lol  Just passing on the energy!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Second Awakening


I am experiencing fear.

 I say experiencing it because I am not drowning in it like I did when my inner critic would beat it to death.  I am just feeling it and asking for guidance as to why it's presenting itself to me.  Life is a bit more calm for me which is utterly out of the scope of my previous reality.  So this fear is not the kind that is frightening and needing a pound of white light and love to conquer it.  It is just there with a message for me.

I am going through this process today in my life where my dreams are quickly becoming reality.   My reality is shifting quickly.  I am moving away from what is expected of me into finding my own truth and standing in it. A Process where my connection to Prime Creator and my energy guides are becoming stronger.  Where my astral travels are becoming more substantial.  I am learning knew skills to heal myself and teach others.

I am Awakening and opening to Divine Guidance.

........And I am reminded I have been here before. ..... And in enters the Fear.

2007 was a year of great change for me.  I began consistent focused daily meditation.  I learned to write my goals and true desires down on paper and give them up to my guides to manifest.  I began to physically feel energies around me.  Opportunities started to pop up easily and inline with what I was seeking, I was manifesting.   I learned then that I don't see things,  I am not visual.   I feel them and know that it is.  So I began to feel peoples moods and know their thoughts, an Empath began to birth.


It wasn't until I took my Reiki level one atunement that things got really out of my control and scary for me.  I took the course to help heal my son of some of his ailments.  Within a week of attaining the gift of healing hands things started to oddly occur.

 On my nightly jog one evening I crossed paths with a broken winged Raven.  Sitting right on the sidewalk, not moving away from me as I approached.  It was looking right at me.  I felt like it was waiting for me.  As i got closer and it was still not moving I got a bit frightened they are very very large birds, so I shewed it off.  After a few attempts it finally took my hint and attempted to fly away.   It never made it far off the ground and as a truck turned the corner it was just about hit.  My heart skipped a beat, Raven is my totem animal.

  The day after this event with my totem animal I watched a puppy get hit by a car, but was too afraid to help lest I looked like a fool(and there were others on site pretty quick). Plus I had no idea what to do with my hands even if I could help.  I was reminded of the Raven the night before and rushed home to call my teacher.

 My teacher warned that both incidents were creator needing my services of light. I had a gift now and I was expected to share it.   I didn't want to use the gift for that, just my son. I felt pushed way past my comfort zone and a little out of my element.

 The very next day a paraplegic flipped his wheel chair in front of my van.  This was too much for me.  There was no one else around. I knew I had to do something.  I got out and laid my hands on him while we waited for the ambulance.  I was mortified.

I don't know what ever happened to that guy, but when I got home I went straight into meditation and gave the gift back to God.  I didn't want it.  I did not want that responsibility.

 I didn't want to walk a path out side of societies normalcy.  I understand now that I was awakening then but was not yet ready to let go of common reality.  The reality were my friends and family dictate what is acceptable.  The reality where the media tells me if I am okay or not.  Healing people with my hands sounded fantastic and all, until I realized that I would be asked to touch strangers and animals out in broad day light.

It was but mere moments in time after this that I forced myself back to sleep.  Some would argue that you cannot go back to sleep once you are awoken.  I  agree to a degree.  Drugs have a very powerful way of altering your reality to fit what you want it to.  I found a loop hole.  I was numb if not asleep.  Drug addicts open a door into a reality reached through meditation.  I found the back door to creator.  Through the alley you can do the work of source in a blissed out manufactured way.  Easier to be a fool when you can blame the dope.

Now that I am coming clean the gifts I had before my forced slumber are returning.  I am awakening again but this time its a much deeper level.  With many more realizations, awareness and gifts.  This is where the fear is coming from.  What will be asked of me this time?

I just came out of meditation focussed on that question.  I came out with a feeling that this time there is but one very major difference from my 2007 start.  This time I am connecting to Source.  This time I am shedding the distractions that I draw love off of and am learning to draw that  love from within myself.  I am much more connected today then I was the first time around.  The first time I was merely interested in spells and magic.  Today I want to truly help people wake up to their full powers.  Its not about me this time.

As I write this the fear dissipates even more.  My worry over looking crazy is subsiding.  I have already lost  friends from walking out on my ex husband in a tantrum fit.  My family is removed from me for various reasons.  I have an amazing support group today that is all for my crazy healing arts and that gives me the fuel I need to go forth and create the future I was destined to walk.   But don't ask me what that future is yet.... because I have no idea!  And I am trying to steer clear of my need to know.    lol

Monday, January 6, 2014

Kicking the Inner Critic to the Curb!


Four days ago a shift occurred in my inner reality.  I have struggled with the words in which to describe this change.  Let me start at the beginning and share the experience with you.  You know how I love my experiences and how I love even more dishing about them to you.

So I have been taking this Hypnotherapy course which I absolutely love.  I am learning how to slow my mind down and how to drop at will into different states of consciousness.  Every Thursday evening I meet my guide online and my mind is filled with glorious knowledge.  I drink it in like a dehydrated plant.  This past Thursday was no different.

That is until we rearranged an aspect of my mind.

Sounds kinda freaky hey?  I love my weirdness.  The weirder something is the more I am on board with convincing you its actually normal and your the weird one.  But I gotta tell you the action taken that evening to remove my inner critic was way beyond real in such a freaky unreal way.

First what is the inner critic?  As I explained in a testimonial I left on Dwaine Hartman's site http://www.innerbalancehypnotherapy.com,  it is that inner voice that whispers nasty things in your ear.  It's that voice that would reprimand me about all the sugar I ate the day before.  The voice that would doom my day before I even got out of bed.  It was that nagging feeling that I just wasn't good enough.  It was the energy that robbed my self confidence.  An aspect of oneself that keeps the light and love out of your reality.

The inner critic is that dark cloud that keeps you asleep and from Love.

I was allowing my inner critic to drop me back into depression.  I had let her have full reign again and Dwaine helped me remove her.  The process was an.... odd one, even for me.... Queen of Odd.

As he asked for permission from myself and my higher self,  he asked me where my inner critic was right now.  At the very moment of him asking I felt a small kick in my left brain.  Honest to Goodness, it felt like an angry little six year old had just put the boot to my left top brain.  I kinda laughed nervously when I told him where she was. Of course my analytical mind was going ape shit already trying to understand what that boot was.

He then guided me to move her to my right brain, where it felt stuffy and foreign.  Then to the back we gently moved her and out the top of my head.  When she was completely out of my head I felt such a weird peace inside my skull.  Like an emptiness that was welcomed.  By this time I could no longer try to make sense of what was happening it just felt way too damn good to care.

Dwaine then invited in Arch Angel Micheal to take the inner critic and reform her.  She was then sent away with him and could come back when she was ready to live in harmony with me.  I cannot even begin to describe the sadness I felt over her leaving.  I have gone to her a few times over this four days and feel that she is very happy where she is and might not come back to me.

That experience in itself was weird.  And again I believe in what psychics tell me and have had many readings, past life and otherwise.  I work with affirmations and speak a lot about realities and the creations of such.  I love to meditate and feel lots of great things when I am in that state of consciousness.  This stuff is not new to me.

I have never experienced something so physical as this inner reality process though.  I felt her physical kick.  I can feel her outside of myself and I have not heard one negative thing filtered out of my mind in four days.  No naggings that I am not good enough, no insults and I got out of bed with absolutely no thoughts this morning.

I have even tried to insult myself and it just didnt work. lmao!!  I really did.  Called myself a fat bitch, then was instantly in love with my childbearing body and the fact I have the courage to be a bitch.  hahaha....

 I am full of love again.  I have been here before but only for brief periods of time.  I feel a serenity that has never been to this degree before.  I feel calm.  I am just not beating the shit out of myself anymore,.  I truly believe for the first time that I will never go back to that place of unworthiness again.  Only because it was such a physical sensation of her removal.  She is really really gone.

But that is not even the end of my story.  What has occurred in her absence has me reeling even more.

 My mind is filling with love and light.
I have all these goals and desires filling me so fast and so full that I feel confused and overwhelmed.
I feel things intensely but the feelings come and go so fast I don't get hung up in them.
I know things that seem to help me in the moment but wonder when I learned that knowledge.
My meditations seem to have more energies in them, different new energies feeding me guidance.
I feel connected in a way I never have before.

I will not dive more into that right now because none of it makes sense to me to apply vocabulary to it.  I just really wanted to get it out there to you that if you struggle with a voice inside your head that keeps you from experiencing full on inner Love and a lightness then you want to explore removing that inner critic.  I will shamelessly plug my teacher Dwaine as a wonderful option or if you want to wait until I am certified I would be more then happy to help.  But as with everything there are many paths to reaching that result.

I cannot even begin to describe what my inner world is like today as oppose to last Wednesday.  I want everyone to experience where I am at right now.

Mundane Transention

I feel like it has been forever since I have had enough time to come chill with you.  This past holiday season has been an eventful one.   Both in my outer worlds and inner reality.  I am relieved somewhat that life will settle and return to routine now,  but my house is too quiet and the transition a teary one.

I have had no time for anything Internet as my life has been in full bloom outside of these pages.  What blooms in December?  I was one of those kinds of flowers... maybe that one that only blooms at midnight one night of the year. Too excited with typing to go research it.  lol

My son is gone back to his dad's.  My house is quiet and empty without that Eleven year old boy energy.  It was such a great visit, no fights,no awkwardness and no more regret holding me back.  I wasn't the activity Nazi who normally has the whole visit mapped out.   We just chilled and reconnected.

Damn it was good.

Last night texting his dad the report of how it went, I became knowledged with how different my sons life is with my ex husband.  Re-affirming why I left in the first place still pulled at my heart string, knowing that they live a very secluded life.  I see their lives as empty and lacking in the basic necessities of human connection.  It is hard for me not to feel a bit responsible for that place they are in.   On the other hand I need to remind myself my ex was already in that place before I left and was taking me there too.  I got out and my life is fabulous because of that hard choice.

I guess its just not the life for me and allowing people there own experiences is the lesson I need to take from this.  It hurts my heart no less though.  I want more for both of them, I love them both dearly.  I want my ex husband to wake up.  I fear he won't.

That is part of the transition I am facing today with life returning to normal.  Letting go of my son and allowing him to live the life path he chose.

My oldest one is always at her new boyfriends which also tests my ability to let go and allow my children their chance to overcome their own challenges.  This situation of hers feels all to familiar to me and I have ample experience with how it ends.  It is testing my strength not to jump in and save her the time and pain.  But that will teach her nothing and my job as her guide in life is too allow her to experience what is on her path too.  And be there to catch her when she trips and falls.

That is another uncomfortable transition I am walking through this holiday season.

My middle daughter has hit her 13 year old moody, split personality Medusa/Robin Williams phase.  13 going on 30.  She says to me during the fireworks on new years eve when the grand finally is exploding in the sky,  "Mom!  Thats my mind at night".  I giggled and love tapped her.  My witty daughter I thought.  Then the sky goes dark and silent.    She leans over and whispers with a sigh,   "...... and this, this is my mind during the day"  and rolls her eyes.   I just about pee'd my pants from laughing so hard.

Damn I love my gawky teen.

My life is full of outward transitions.  Yet its the inward ones that I really want to talk about here.  Although I am desperately trying to keep these posts shorter and sweater then my 20 minute long winded rants.  Like that last post, boy I was angry that day.  I was angry for a lot of days over the holidays.  Not the kind of anger that is unhealthy and toxic but the kind that feels like it needs a release and to be acknowledged.

Once I wrote about it, it dissipated.  I realized sometimes feelings are just that, feelings.  With no reason to them, no grand culprit pulling the strings to them.  Just random emotions in your body looking for expression.  Not all the time are my feelings random though, sometimes I get feelings stirred in me by my higher power or my lower power.  Learning what feelings are what and where they are coming from has been the fun game I have been playing this past week or so.

In my last post I wanted to share my goals for the year.  This post I want to share the removal of my inner critic.  Both are worthy of their own posts. I think I am taking the day off today as my work truck is dead and my boss gave me a 250 dollar gift card for the Keg, me and my girls are going to enjoy tonight... so pampering and prepping are in order.  But I digress.... I will write another post today about how the inner critic was preventing my goals from manifesting and how now I am free and so fucking happy it's disgusting.  And how you can achieve the same thing.


Ta Ta till then ,beloved  Bitches!!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The Sun is Coming Back!!

Today is The first day of the Calender Year.  2014 has arrived.  We are still alive, not Zombies yet.  When I was  child I really thought by 2020 this world would be a charred ball of nothingness.  I guess we really have begun to bring about the change we want to see.

In the Witches Calender the New Year begins at Samhain/Halloween.  Its when the final harvest is reaped and the world goes into silence.  Withdrawing our energies internally to restore ourselves from a busy summer.  It is from then until the Winter Solstice that we internalize ourselves.

Going within to see what worked last year.  What didn't work.  What and how we are going to make the changes for the next growing season.  We spend these months in deep reflection about ourselves.  Not everyone is in sync with the seasons cycles yet, but for those who are getting there, you probably felt a bit more self reflective.  If you didn't like what you saw, you may have been a bit moody.... like I was.

I have been very uncomfortable this past season.  Awareness galore on who I  am, who I was and who I want to become.  Waking up to all those realizations is not an easy process for me.  I am sure as you have already gathered from my bumpy blog. Before I get into the personal meat of my needed changes let me continue with the cycle lest I get lost and forget to finish off the meaning of this post.

When the season changes at the Winter Solstice the Sun is welcomed back into our worlds.  You see at the summer solstice when everyone is happy and productive the sun begins to die.  Our days get shorter from that solstice till now.  Things slow down, the world begins to slow to an almost stop, from our calender mid summer till now.  But now, oh now.... The sun is coming back!!  Our days are getting longer!  Our world is waking up again!!

I get confused why there is not a slight bit more mourning at the Summer Solstice and not a more Joyous celebration at the Winter one. Maybe we didn't realize that Christmas is that celebration.  Jesus is born, the sun is coming back.  The gifts we share are ways of encouraging that God to bring abundance into our lives this coming year.  To bless our seeds and Shine brightly upon our manifestations this year.  I always find new respect for the christian Gods, they never stole our pagan ways, they hid them and kept them safe till the time was right to bring them out again.

Whether you believe in the reality of the Sun and Moon or the deities of the popular religions, this is the time of the year to begin the planning process towards your goals to be made manifest this summer.  I was going to go into my personal process here but I think I will save that for another post because I have some plans to work out first.

What is it you want to change in your reality?  How did you use your energy from Samhain till  now?  For the next few months where do you want to place your energy, what rewards do you want to reap come next fall?  With the Calender year falling on a New moon, the energy of  successful change is more then abundant for you.  If you really desire it and you have created the understanding that you truly deserve it, then nothing will stop you this 2014 from achieving it.