I am experiencing fear.
I say experiencing it because I am not drowning in it like I did when my inner critic would beat it to death. I am just feeling it and asking for guidance as to why it's presenting itself to me. Life is a bit more calm for me which is utterly out of the scope of my previous reality. So this fear is not the kind that is frightening and needing a pound of white light and love to conquer it. It is just there with a message for me.
I am going through this process today in my life where my dreams are quickly becoming reality. My reality is shifting quickly. I am moving away from what is expected of me into finding my own truth and standing in it. A Process where my connection to Prime Creator and my energy guides are becoming stronger. Where my astral travels are becoming more substantial. I am learning knew skills to heal myself and teach others.
I am Awakening and opening to Divine Guidance.
........And I am reminded I have been here before. ..... And in enters the Fear.
2007 was a year of great change for me. I began consistent focused daily meditation. I learned to write my goals and true desires down on paper and give them up to my guides to manifest. I began to physically feel energies around me. Opportunities started to pop up easily and inline with what I was seeking, I was manifesting. I learned then that I don't see things, I am not visual. I feel them and know that it is. So I began to feel peoples moods and know their thoughts, an Empath began to birth.
But....
It wasn't until I took my Reiki level one atunement that things got really out of my control and scary for me. I took the course to help heal my son of some of his ailments. Within a week of attaining the gift of healing hands things started to oddly occur.
On my nightly jog one evening I crossed paths with a broken winged Raven. Sitting right on the sidewalk, not moving away from me as I approached. It was looking right at me. I felt like it was waiting for me. As i got closer and it was still not moving I got a bit frightened they are very very large birds, so I shewed it off. After a few attempts it finally took my hint and attempted to fly away. It never made it far off the ground and as a truck turned the corner it was just about hit. My heart skipped a beat, Raven is my totem animal.
The day after this event with my totem animal I watched a puppy get hit by a car, but was too afraid to help lest I looked like a fool(and there were others on site pretty quick). Plus I had no idea what to do with my hands even if I could help. I was reminded of the Raven the night before and rushed home to call my teacher.
My teacher warned that both incidents were creator needing my services of light. I had a gift now and I was expected to share it. I didn't want to use the gift for that, just my son. I felt pushed way past my comfort zone and a little out of my element.
The very next day a paraplegic flipped his wheel chair in front of my van. This was too much for me. There was no one else around. I knew I had to do something. I got out and laid my hands on him while we waited for the ambulance. I was mortified.
I don't know what ever happened to that guy, but when I got home I went straight into meditation and gave the gift back to God. I didn't want it. I did not want that responsibility.
I didn't want to walk a path out side of societies normalcy. I understand now that I was awakening then but was not yet ready to let go of common reality. The reality were my friends and family dictate what is acceptable. The reality where the media tells me if I am okay or not. Healing people with my hands sounded fantastic and all, until I realized that I would be asked to touch strangers and animals out in broad day light.
It was but mere moments in time after this that I forced myself back to sleep. Some would argue that you cannot go back to sleep once you are awoken. I agree to a degree. Drugs have a very powerful way of altering your reality to fit what you want it to. I found a loop hole. I was numb if not asleep. Drug addicts open a door into a reality reached through meditation. I found the back door to creator. Through the alley you can do the work of source in a blissed out manufactured way. Easier to be a fool when you can blame the dope.
Now that I am coming clean the gifts I had before my forced slumber are returning. I am awakening again but this time its a much deeper level. With many more realizations, awareness and gifts. This is where the fear is coming from. What will be asked of me this time?
I just came out of meditation focussed on that question. I came out with a feeling that this time there is but one very major difference from my 2007 start. This time I am connecting to Source. This time I am shedding the distractions that I draw love off of and am learning to draw that love from within myself. I am much more connected today then I was the first time around. The first time I was merely interested in spells and magic. Today I want to truly help people wake up to their full powers. Its not about me this time.
As I write this the fear dissipates even more. My worry over looking crazy is subsiding. I have already lost friends from walking out on my ex husband in a tantrum fit. My family is removed from me for various reasons. I have an amazing support group today that is all for my crazy healing arts and that gives me the fuel I need to go forth and create the future I was destined to walk. But don't ask me what that future is yet.... because I have no idea! And I am trying to steer clear of my need to know. lol
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