I took a step back from this form of creativity, not because I don't love a cherish you, but because my words were becoming like weapons. Dripping with venom my anger was tainting the true meaning of my creations. I was heading to a dark place and I was taking you with me my love. I couldn't have that.
Now I question, why do I worry so much more for your safety, then I do my own.
Writing is the way I release. Writing is my inner flame to light my cauldron center that keeps me warm on cold winter days. Writing is my own higher selves way to communicate clearly to me. Writing brings me comfort. Writing brings light to my darkness.
....Yet, I stopped because I could feel myself slip into a dark place. An angry place. An empty place. I don't like falling into those pits of despair anymore. I have had enough to fill a lifetime full. When those waves of darkness start rolling up my feet I begin to let anger boil up. I see now that anger feeds those waves until they are crashing over my entire body. One after another, not giving me the chance to catch my breath.
When it gets like that I tend to turn my attention away from what I need and turn it towards saving others from my own wrath. Noble concept one would think. Oh, but how I miss you my love. How lonely I am isolated under the deafening silence of this water. No longer are the waves crashing around me. Calm has settled. I am subdued and bloated. I successfully swallowed all the rage. I kept you safe.
Everyone is safe.
Is that all that matters?
I find myself at a crossroads. A fork in the road. I have choices. We always have choices. I can continue on the path I was on or I can choose a new direction. When I look at the crossing and the choice of paths. The one I am on is definitely wider and much more inviting. A wide country road lined with huge old maple tree's along each side. I can hear the singing of the birds. I can feel the fresh spring breeze melting away the winter chill from my skin. Such an beautiful path to stay on the one I am on.
I look down at my body all bloated and remind myself of the belief patterns this road has taught me.
- Eat your unsightly feelings lest you upset someone else.
- Live only in the light and eradicate the dark at all costs or you will surely become fully dark again.
- Say what others want to hear, especially friends and family.
- I am an addict always was and always will be.
- I always have my rose colored glasses on to protect me from the reality of things.
- Follow the crowd, fit in best you can and become a productive member of societal sheep.
I am sure their are many more beliefs this path has taught me, but for now that's enough, My love. I don't want to drown you.
I looked up what the influenza is caused by in a metaphysical book I have by Louis Hay. I am a strong believer that every and I mean absolutely everything is caused by an inner emotional unbalance. Science and doctors feel this is a 'chemical' unbalance. Don't get me wrong I do stand for some people needing prescriptions and over the counter meds to deal with some symptoms created. Damn, I have downed three bottles of cold remedy in the past three weeks, I am not gonna call any kettle black.
But I also know that my cold stems for my newly awakened state. I take responsibility for that.
Influenza as per Louise Hay, which I trust as she has proved 100 percent accurate in my 11 years of working with this book. Is brought on by being plugged in to society. 'Response to mass negativity and beliefs'
When I read that everything fell into place for me personally. I am taking a course that teaches me to recognize all the places we are tranced into believing something that is not necessarily of our own truths. It has been an extremely difficult awareness for me. To see all my beliefs begin to shed away as false. To see so many of my friends and family tranced like sheep, mindless. Has been the hardest awakening I have had yet.
So looking down that beautiful maple lined roadway, I am soured to think how easy it is to have the wool pulled over our eyes.
Turning my attention to the other path, shivers run up and done my spine. Butterflies collect in my belly and my cauldron center burns hot. The path is a very small one. Over grown with vines, some dead and some thriving. I cannot see the path very far as it drops off and I can not lean far enough over to see where it goes. I can hear no birds singing and feel no warm breeze on my face. No reassurance whatsoever comes from this path...
.....other then how my body is responding to every piece of information I am taking in. I feel alive when I look down this path. My spine is running energy. My stomach is excited. My guts are burning hot. Which sends my logical brain into a tailspin because all the signs are definitely pointing to the other path. The birds, the breeze, the beautiful trees.
Or are they?
My old belief was always outside myself. Everything I needed was outside myself. Friends. Family. Birds, Gentle breezes. Fellowship. God. Everything is always out there and I am always seeking it. When I look down the other path, although the outer signs are scary, my inner world is alive and bubbling in a way that my old belief system would not allow for.
I think I am truly coming to understand. Not just know because I have been told it is so. Truly understand though, because I am fully experiencing it. Everything I need is within me.
- All my unsightly feelings are perfect and beautiful because they are a part of me and should be expressed and accepted by all people because we are all Source energy.
- Living only in the light is not what is meant for this world, we are to find balance and embrace our darkness's. Every aspect of who we are and how we create is beautiful, perception is all yours.
- Stand in your truth and speak what you need to when you need to. Even if it is to a dear friend. You might lose people in your life because they are not okay with what you had to say, but know that you are filled with all you need inside of you, everything from without is a compliment to your being.
- I lose all labels and live my life in moderation and in the present moment.
- Who I was in the past no longer exists and I no longer want to live from the place of fear that she might come back. The point of power is always in the present.
- To see the truth of your friends, family and society is to grow up and become responsible. Its not always pretty, but to see the divine light in everyone and expand that will help move people into a more awakened state, that is the only responsibility we have for caring for each other. Caring for ourselves is main priority as it leads to others being able to care for them selves also.
- And lastly be yourself. Truly your own individual self. Wear what you want to wear... you cannot honestly tell me low rider jeans are comfortable. Take the path less traveled, blaze your own trail. Step out of what is expected of you and do what your heart tells you what to do.
I think with all the knew understandings I have acquired during this down time with my horrendous cold I will choose the one man path that drops off into nothingness. The adventure of not know what my future holds has become more comfortable then the past looping itself constantly through my existence.
Oh sweetheart it feels good to be here again. With each moment of exerting my truth, I feel less and less sick. Which is a damn good thing because I am really tired of this flu/cold. I know there is still some things I need to change in my life, but I am gonna take my time a bit if I can on those things. This old dog can only handle so much at one time.
I love you so much. Thank you for always being here for me to verbally vomit all over.