During my morning run (I like to still say run even though after three months of not running I can barely keep a light jog pace for longer then 2 minutes, but it makes me feel better to say run) this morning, I gave some thought to my original purpose behind all of these changes. Some changes were out of my control, but some of the changes were my conscious choice. Some of my choices, created some of the unwanted changes, but in the end most of my situation has been created from the choices I made.
So why is it that we spend months, even years sometimes working up enough courage to make a change. And then once that change is in motion, and we start to feel the effects of that change, we panic and revert back to what we had before the change was made? When we are contemplating the change, the unknown is what draws us to make the change, and the fact we are obviously not satisfied with the way things are at the time. But once the change is made, the fear of the unknown becomes so paralyzing that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and run back to what was comfortable. We conveniently forget what it was that made us unhappy enough to make the change in the first place.
While I was at my ex's yesterday, I was helping my kids with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning house and laughing and having fun with my babies. It felt so easy, so perfect. I started longing for what was. My old life. The support that lives there. The love from my kids that lives there. And the nourishment that lives there. How many people would it make happy, if I just threw my hands up in the air and said... 'hey, you know what, I made a mistake and I am going back'. My kids would be relieved for sure, my family would all smile knowing that the charming man was back in the family, and all of our friends would be much more comfortable knowing that fairytale love does still exist. Not to mention the courage it took me to admit my mistake and swallow my pride. A very noble idea to run back, hey?
It seems so easy.
Yet a small part of me dies on the inside when I think of returning to what was.
I am not in love with my ex. There is no romance there, no spark. We have nothing in common, other then three children. Yes he is an amazing man but he does not invoke any sort of passion with in me. You ever watch a movie where the girl should marry the wealthy, stable, good, dependable boy? But she longs so desperately for that poor farm boy who's eye's sparkle and when they are together they create magic so strong that it binds them to one another for eternity.... It's always the farm boy we cheer for in the movies, yet in real life we are much more comfortable when someone chooses the stable good man. Why is that? Are we so stability driven that we are willing to push our passions as far away from us as possible? I am tired of conforming to a marriage that no longer serves my personal growth and passions in life. I am sorry if that makes people feel uncomfortable, hell it makes me feel uncomfortable!
I am not saying I want to find my dream lover. What I am saying is that I want to be true to myself. I don't know what I am looking for right now. I have no big plans or goals, no hidden blueprints to take over the world. I know that I gave a lot of thought to leaving my marriage, and I spent years invested in making it the best marriage I could. But in the end my heart was saying it was time to move on. I trusted it, and I jumped both feet into what lies before me now. The entire world!! I made my choice and now it's time to stop looking back, and to move forward into my unknown future. To embrace the path my heart put me on, and trust that all will be perfect