Monday, April 28, 2014

Make your Choice, Never Look Back


During my morning run (I like to still say run even though after three months of not running I can barely keep a light jog pace for longer then 2 minutes, but it makes me feel better to say run) this morning, I gave some thought to my original purpose behind all of these changes. Some changes were out of my control, but some of the changes were my conscious choice. Some of my choices, created some of the unwanted changes, but in the end most of my situation has been created from the choices I made.

So why is it that we spend months, even years sometimes working up enough courage to make a change. And then once that change is in motion, and we start to feel the effects of that change, we panic and revert back to what we had before the change was made? When we are contemplating the change, the unknown is what draws us to make the change, and the fact we are obviously not satisfied with the way things are at the time. But once the change is made, the fear of the unknown becomes so paralyzing that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and run back to what was comfortable. We conveniently forget what it was that made us unhappy enough to make the change in the first place.

While I was at my ex's yesterday, I was helping my kids with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning house and laughing and having fun with my babies. It felt so easy, so perfect. I started longing for what was. My old life. The support that lives there. The love from my kids that lives there. And the nourishment that lives there. How many people would it make happy, if I just threw my hands up in the air and said... 'hey, you know what, I made a mistake and I am going back'. My kids would be relieved for sure, my family would all smile knowing that the charming man was back in the family, and all of our friends would be much more comfortable knowing that fairytale love does still exist. Not to mention the courage it took me to admit my mistake and swallow my pride. A very noble idea to run back, hey?

It seems so easy.

Yet a small part of me dies on the inside when I think of returning to what was.

I am not in love with my ex. There is no romance there, no spark. We have nothing in common, other then three children. Yes he is an amazing man but he does not invoke any sort of passion with in me. You ever watch a movie where the girl should marry the wealthy, stable, good, dependable boy? But she longs so desperately for that poor farm boy who's eye's sparkle and when they are together they create magic so strong that it binds them to one another for eternity.... It's always the farm boy we cheer for in the movies, yet in real life we are much more comfortable when someone chooses the stable good man. Why is that? Are we so stability driven that we are willing to push our passions as far away from us as possible? I am tired of conforming to a marriage that no longer serves my personal growth and passions in life. I am sorry if that makes people feel uncomfortable, hell it makes me feel uncomfortable!

I am not saying I want to find my dream lover. What I am saying is that I want to be true to myself. I don't know what I am looking for right now. I have no big plans or goals, no hidden blueprints to take over the world. I know that I gave a lot of thought to leaving my marriage, and I spent years invested in making it the best marriage I could. But in the end my heart was saying it was time to move on. I trusted it, and I jumped both feet into what lies before me now. The entire world!! I made my choice and now it's time to stop looking back, and to move forward into my unknown future. To embrace the path my heart put me on, and trust that all will be perfect

The Line between Daughter and Friend


I had a lot to think about today. Just when you think it may be over, it's not. More tears fell today, which I was pretty sure, I should be fresh out of now. And I could feel another thing slipping away from me. I thought I had nothing left to be taken, but I was wrong. My Teenage Daughter. I am not sure I can handle any more loss in my life but today I faced more. The possible loss of my teen daughter to move back home. Move home!!.. back to a city 4 hours away from me. And strangely enough, this is the one that I think hurts the most, out of all the things removed from my life recently. This is the one that brings instant tears to my eye's.

You see me and my daughter have a unique relationship. Her friends envy her relationship with me. People compliment me on my relationship with my teenage daughter. She is not only my kid, she is someone that I have raised for the past 16 years, but she is also my closest friend. When she was a baby, I was only 17. I had lost most of my friends and found myself lonely with no one to talk t0. My baby was there, so I talked to her. My ex was working two jobs and still living the bar scene life, so T and I bonded. All through her growing up she was the one I would talk out things with and get her advice on. It was her and I. When my ex and I had the next two kids, it was T and I that both raised those kids. She's more of a sister to me. Now that I am entering my toughest challenges life has ever thrown at me, they want to take her from me as well!!

I am sick, physically ill over the thought of not having my teen here by my side. I would be lost without her now... and She wants to move home. She wants to leave me. She hates me.

She cries about how much she hates it here. How much she misses home where she has friends. She feels Edmonton is the enemy of everything that has gone wrong in her personal life. I feel devastated that I am the cause of all her pain. She is angry at me for leaving her. Feels I have abandoned her motherly wise and she has lost me as a friend as well. She has not been able to make friends at the school here, do you remember high school and how tough it was with friends. She dreads going to school and skips most days. My ex has to fight with her to get her to go, which compounds the anger she has. My heart breaks for her, she hates her life. And outside school she does nothing but baby-sit her brother and sister. I can see why she hates it. Would you not hate it? Would you not be afraid and angry. I know I would hate it, and I also know what I probably would have done by now, had I been her.

But when I get the texts from her this morning, I talk a good talk and beg her to come home. Ignoring how much she hates it, I begin making promises of a better future, bribing her with hopes. Hopes that I cannot promise her, when my future is so uncertain. I can't give her back what she wants and I know that, but I promise it anyways. And when that wasn't working, I pulled the 'I can't live without you' card and cried a lot. So much so that my middle daughter had to rub my back and whisper in my ear that it was going to be okay. It became about me, out of desperation to hold on to the last few things I have in my life. So T caved and came back. I was so relieved when she txted that she was on the bus coming home. Everything is going to be ok now, right?

I am not so sure, it doesn't feel like it was going to be alright. The more I have been thinking about it. The more the emptiness grows in the pit of my stomach. Fear and panic grow. I feel out of control of my feelings and my tears blur my vision. I think that I may be holding on to something that is meant to be let go of. My life has been a series of letting go, maybe this is a part of that letting go. I have taken everything she knows away from her, how can I keep punishing her by keeping her here? I am sure some of you feel, letting go of my marriage wasn't smart. Some people I am sure think I was crazy for letting go of my perfect management career. But look at what that poor girl is going through here. She is miserable, so unbelievably unhappy here. I see her unhappy eye's and know that this is not healthy either, even if she is where she belongs. And a small part of me drowns every time I am near her and feel her pain.

In a long discussion she has agreed to stick it out until the end of the term and then if she still hates it still, she could move home. This after much talking and convincing. She wants to go now, she is just compromising because she knows her dad will drown without her as well. But her leaving has it's draw backs for her as well. Loss of cell phone and a, your on your own kid, kind of move. She plans on living with friends, maybe she will call her grandma. My heart breaks a little at the thought of that. But now I wonder what to do? I keep her here with her family and yes she is fed and safe. But she is miserable and dying on the inside. Or I let her runaway home which is 4 hours away. On her own with know way of us knowing where she is. But where she will be happy amongst her friends?

I am sure every mother is thinking that I am crazy to even contemplate an idea of letting her go, but really look at it. She is 16, by law they can go at will now and she may just end up running away on bad terms, which would be worse. She has become toxic to her brother and sister already, she is not really watching them when she is suppose to be. I don't want to lose her to drugs because she is so miserable here, that she needs them to cope. But letting her go is teaching her to run away from her problems. OMG! I am so lost and devastated. Everything is much too overwhelming for me.

I love my daughter with everything I have and if she moves I will not only lose my daughter I will lose my best friend and I will lose my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. This has got to be the lowest I have ever been in my life. And it just keeps getting darker. How many shades of black can I experience?

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Life is but a Roller Coaster

Damn taking my own advice from four years ago is amazing!  This is another blast from my old old blog I found on the internet.  Today I have a great Job.  Taking a Hypnotherapy course.  Have both my daughters living with me.  And have a cat!  A few male friends but too focused on myself to get involved.  Today I am happy..... but It was a hell of a journey getting here.

LIFE IS BUT A ROLLER COASTER - October 30th,2009

Life is a Roller coaster when you sit back and think about it. Rarely does your life follow a smooth track like the little train at an amusement park, although I could wish for nothing greater at this moment. No, unfortunately life is a series of twists, turns and sudden drops. The twist and turns can be fun sometimes, the loop de'loops can send an adrenaline rush through you that can be exciting and very enjoyable. But, It's the sudden unexpected deadly drops that hit you without warning, that really freak me out. Those drops that leave your stomach somewhere over in that farmers field.

That was yesterday. Drop of F%^&ing Doom!!

As I sat there, with tears that kept flooding me whether I wanted them to or not. I let panic and fear take me fully. I allowed them to seep through every cell in me and dictate my thoughts and actions. I embraced the fact that I was unemployed, and I allowed it to scare the hell out of me. I stewed in the nasty leftovers of my marriage. I faced the fact that my kids were going to have to deal with this change on there own and in their own ways. As much as I want to protect them from all the ugliness of the world, I realized yesterday that I simply cannot. I allowed the raw emotions of my negative self to burst forth from of me, with no control over their final destination. I was fully present in the moment with all the demons of my past, present, and future, and I was scrooged.

Ever wake up after a day of hell and think... what was that?! What makes a day like that so horribly different from other days in your life? I woke up today and was so relieved that I felt human again, all I can do is feel a huge sense of relief that I made it through that day alive. It was a very tough one. But now I sit and contemplate the lesson from that day. I feel a strong sense of urgency to learn what information that day held for me, lest I have to repeat the lesson again in a few days... Because to be honest, I am not sure I would survive another one of those drops of doom right now.

The silver lining in my dark dismal day is the awareness that I do still have a lot of great things in my life to cherish and respect. Friends! The overwhelming support from friends was a shock to me. Up until now, whenever I have struggled with something in my life. I would withdraw from the people closest to me and keep my weakness's to myself. Yesterday showed me how incredibly retarded that is on the emotional healing part of my journey. I cherish the friends I still have. I have been getting so caught up in what I have lost that I am not appreciating what has been left. I have been spending so much time beating myself up for hurting the people closest to me, yet it's those same people that picked me up yesterday and dusted me off. The things and people that are still present in my world are the ones that are good for me. The things that I can utilize to open up new doors for myself. If, and only if....I can learn to let go of the things that are trying to leave my life

All around me I see people holding on so dearly to things, people and events in their lives that have since moved away years ago. But they hold on, completely unaware that they are grasping at something that serves no purpose for them anymore. By holding on to the past it's like keeping a foot in that door of the past. Never being able to open up the door across the hall because if you take a step towards that door the one you are holding open will shut and lock forever. And you have no idea what’s in the door across the hall, so you get caught in the hallway.. or between the worlds. It is okay to sit there for a few moments to regroup and collect yourself. To revel in the wonderful things the last room had to offer you and to prepare yourself for the new room you are about to walk into. It is not healthy however to pull up a chair and sit there in the hall living life through some good books you found on the floor. Which is where I am trying to sit right now in my life... as are many of you.

Yesterday in my hallway there was a very cold draft that came in through the window at the end of the hall. With that draft came all my demons sweeping in from the dark, gliding down the walls to surround me, with warnings a many!! Faint or listen to the warnings, were my only options. I chose to listen, with very weak knee's and blurry vision.

I love the 17 years I spent with my husband. They were filled with joy and laughter and a sense of gamesmanship. But they are over and I must move on. Do I know what’s ahead of me in the romantic arena?... nope! Am I afraid I will live out my life alone with just my cat... yup! I adored my job with JC and all the growth and joy it brought me. Is my heart breaking cause it was ripped from me violently.... hell ya! Do I know what I am going to do next... nope. Am I afraid of going hungry.. yup! My daughter is the world to me. Will I be lost if she moves to GP...yup! Will she survive and learn and grow on her own accord... yes she will. Am I afraid for her... hell ya! But you know what? As I stood before those demons, I realized that they were not hurting me. They were big and ugly, scary and foul smelling, but they were making a path to the next door. They were asking me to feel the fear and do it anyways!!

If we let fear hold us back, we will forever be caught in that hallway. Just surviving, not actually living. Going through the motions of life, but not truly feeling the joys it has to offer. You may find comfort in those books, but it is just an illusion. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Held my chin up high, shook my shoulders to release the fears holding me to the door behind me and I took a shaky step towards the door on the other side of the hallway. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on today. But with each step my confidence will grow and my fears will subside. In a few steps my hand will be on the door handle of my new life. The anticipation is mounting and excitement grows, possibilities are endless!

My First Apartment

I have a really really old blog that a good friend reminded me about today.   The blog was from a time in my life that I was hurting really bad.  I had just walked out on my family and didnt yet know I was an addict.  I just read it and the tears flowed at the reminder of the shear strength of the pain I was enduring at that moment.  It helps me remember how far I have come and what I have gone through to achieve what I have now.  Sometimes looking at where we have come from gives us clear focus on where it is we want to go.

Here is that writing from 2009...

FIRST APARTMENT AT 35 - October 29th, 2009

I currently live in this ultra cute little attic bachelor-ette suite in a 1920's house.

It's a tall yellow house in an old part of town, where the tree's canopy the street, just outside of downtown E-Town. I am three stories up and have a great view of beautiful old houses all around me. I am 8 houses away from the football stadium to the south, Rexell place few blocks northeast and Northlands just east of me. You could say I live in the heart of the city.

Four apartments co-exists together in this house. A small bachelor in the basement, a large 2 bedroom on the main floor, a sweet one bedroom on the second floor just below me. And at the very top is me and my two room(kitchen and living room/bedroom) cozy apartment. In each apartment you will find a single female and her cat. I have not learned all their stories yet, but I have only seen women coming and going from the suites in the month that I have been here.

I feel liberated and honored to live in such a place with so much character, history and a feeling of unity amongst it's residence.

To get to my apartment you travel up a cute winding staircase that just seems to go on forever, and ever, but when u get to the top, your view is wonderful.

………So why is it then, that I cry every time I get to the top of my stairs. Why do I find myself so lost, that I can just stand and stare at nothing for hours. When my legs get sore, I sit at my kitchen table my only furniture and stare for even more hours. I look around and everything feels so strange to me. So empty, void of all life, unloving and just plain cold. Not to mention I have no source of distraction, no TV, no Internet, nothing.

My home is like an enemy to me. I hate it. I am angry at it. It ripped me from my life. It is my new jail. But then feelings of anger turn into feelings of betrayal, because it is so cute and innocent. So inviting and warm. How can I be angry. So then how do I feel... lost. Lonely.

I leave in the morning and I come back and nothing has changed. There is nothing to clean up. There is no one to greet me at the door. It is quiet and peaceful. Nothing is misplaced. Everything is in perfect order. Too perfect. There is nothing for me to do but sit and be and eat. I made spaghetti with nacho cheese sauce. Turning to food to help me deal with life has risen it's ugly head again, I am embarrassed to say.

I have a blow up bed that I crawl into nightly and struggle mentally to get out of bed in the morning. I have a coffee maker that has become my best friend. As I sip my coffee on the east facing emergency escape out my back door I let the tears stream down my face.

I let all my grief wash over me. I allow the pain of not living with my children seep out through my eyes. I allow my grief of closing the door on 17 wonderful years of marriage come up like a tidal wave. I allow my heart to break over the loss of my career. I allow old family hurts to raise up and join in the moving of the emotional waters. I allow the loneliness and isolation to embrace me.

And I just sit in the morning sun and sip my coffee as my emotions release like a tidal wave over me. Wave after wave cleanse me. The birds sit in silence watching me. After what feels like hours, it's all over. So I get up and I start decorating.

How many times through the years have I longed for my own place? My own space? How many times did I wish that after I cleaned something it would just stay clean? And stay clean for more then a few seconds. How many times did I just beg for some peace and quiet? And not random moments of silence but the kind I could command at will. How many times did I long for my privacy? Space where I could do what I wanted without judgment from others. Having moved directly from my mother to my husband, how many times did I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? Did I ever imagine it to be like this?


So why am I allowing it to become such a negative thing? I keep coming back to what others must think of me. I left my kids with my husband. That can't be good. what type of mother could do that? Wait, the fact I left my husband.. period. That's going to have some negative backlash from those close to us for sure. What about the fact I quit my beloved job. All these mistakes I have made.. mistakes that society frowns upon. mistakes...... ?

Enough of what I think, people may be thinking of me. I do not regret my decisions.

So I got a cat! Now I have something to clean!! And she is a damn messy cat! lol Now someone greets me when I get to the top of my stairs, full of purrs and love for me. And my kids come over frequently and love moms new place. And guess what? I encourage them to make a mess and invade my space. I got Internet and feel connected again and watch TV through I put up pictures and decorated in my witchy flighty own way. And now I crank the tunes on my karaoke machine(my only source of equipment to play music) and spin in circles and dance at my freedom!
In the mornings, I bounce out of bed. Laterally lol. I go for a run, I meditate and I try to do other things then eat. And everyday my apartment becomes more like home.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Life's Reset Button

Sometimes I just need to hit the reset button.

I am learning that life is about getting off track and then getting back on again.  Its the journey right?  The path?  There are so many metaphors and stories about the paths we take in life, yet when I get knocked off mine, I throw a fit.  Am I ever really knocked off...... or do I see a fairy darting behind a bush and chase off after it?

Making life so serious has been my toughest challenge to over come.  Wanting to get it right and perfect has always been my ultimate goal.   Knowing that part of life is accepting mistakes, defects and failures... I do that with perfection.  Accepting the joys, bliss's and ecstasies are the grandest of fun on this journey, yet I still do that with a serious perfection.  I am serious about having fun.

Until I get burnt out from all the rules and and expectations. Thats when the fairy shows up.

 Its only then after following the fairy into the bushes that I see another path.  Not a right path or a more blissful path... just a different path.  A path of magic.  A path also of illusion.  The deeper you go into that path the more you wonder if the path you veered from was real or not?  Some paths maybe, are only meant to be acknowledged, not followed.

I had to reset my shitty attitude day with a great movie and some snuggling with my most beautiful teenage daughter... I got to get them in now before she turns 20 and grimaces when I hug her.  Like my day I recently reset my entire life.  I got lost on that fairy path of magic and illusions.

I love that fairy path.  Its a path away from all the responsibilities of being a single mom.  A full time Landscaper.  An entrepreneur building her own business.  A woman in recovery of an over addictive mind.  A student.  And simply.... a woman.  The path of the feminine fae is full of glory and fun.  A path where I can let my hair down and be free to laugh and laugh and laugh.

Sometimes I need a distraction.

Why cant I laugh on My path?  Where did I lose my joy?  It was there.... a while back.  I remember my meditations being of an ecstatic nature.  I am reminded of my passions for learning the mind.  Learning how my addictive mind works and the hypnosis of others.  Memory floods me now of a tanned more toned body and a deep love for being outside and of service to others.  And I did laugh and laugh and laugh with my girls.

How did I get so wound tight?  Well whatever the reason I am entirely grateful for that little fairy that caught my clouded attention and lead me off path and into a realm of illusion.  It is only from seeing through beer goggles that I now remember my joy and passion for this wonderful path I am journeying on.  Leave it to a fun and playful guide to distract me in the knowing that it would get me back on track!!

You know I was once told.... Don't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive!  I think I will listen.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Are Dreams my Spirits way to Communicate to me?

Oh what a dream, or two, I have had in the past 24 hours.

I remember the crazy using dreams I have every time I quit.  Normally they start to surface within a couple months of getting clean.  Those dreams that you wake up in a cold sweat because you swear to God that you got high while you were asleep.  Whenever I go on a fast the second or third day I dream of binging and wake feeling like such a failure.

These dreams aren't like the ones I had.

I am looking at what the word dream means, to help me understand the importance to the two linked dreams I have had.  If I am gonna have an obsessive mind I might as well put it to good use and over analyze something that is fun and interesting instead of the guy that was texting me last night.

I am sharing these dreams here as I think they are completely relevant to the situation change in my life.  But let me not jump ahead to quickly... like a quick draw and I miss the entire meat an potatoes of the intimate experience.  haha meat and potatoes leaves me with a whole new intimate visual....  Lets just marry all my addictions into one shall we.  lol

Okay Okay.... damn my mind is scattered when I use.  No focus whats so ever.

There are two different definitions of the word dream.  One of those definitions is connected to our aspirations, our desires for the future.  I dream of becoming a world known Hypnotherapist (shoot for the moon and land among the stars, I am happy with just being a damn good one.)  That type of dream is the type I work with in my sessions.  We all have desires we day dream about, some healthy for us and well, others maybe not so much.  When I speak of creating our own reality, its these types of dreams that I refer to.

But I am not talking about this kind of dream either.

I am exploring the ones that happen too us in a sleep state.

I know fully that everything i experience is created somewhere within my own dreamscape as mentioned above already, but what I question is when does Spirit... God... or Guides step in an intercede?  The dreams I had recently felt like they were happening too me and not of my direct making.

One of the things that fascinates me in life is understanding the chain of events that ripple through a desire being manifested in reality.  I choose to smoke drugs and the chain of events is almost always the same.  The choice to smoke was made in a dream many many months ago however.  I longed to get high, I thought about it, fantasized it and added feeling to it.... and well my greater then  conscious mind took that as what I wanted and created the opportunity for me.

These dreams last night were not of any sort of longing.  They felt way more like a warning to me.  A harsh one.  I will only share one here as the other one is very intimate and sacred to me.

After coming home early from work today because I was exhausted from what felt like a night of no sleep, i headed straight into another bout of fitful sleep.   Of course not before an internal battle with myself to get high.

 I had the house to myself and nobody would know and it would be the last time.... all the promises and lies I tell myself each and every time.   So I decided in the end to have a nap first its the reason I came home and then if I still wanted to get high after I could.

It was moments into falling asleep as it always is with my warning dreams.  That I found myself at a house party with an old using friend of mine.  I was uncomfortable to be there.  I knew I was entering the choice of crossing the threshold from the softer to the harder drug.  I didn't beat around the bush I asked her straight out is she was still using these days.  She didn't hesitate to throw back that her new favorite was an intense drug.

I instantly felt the surge of excitement, followed rapidly by the fear of opening Pandoras box.  I sat back and contemplated my next move.  I hadn't used yet, I could still walk out.  Yet everyone looked like they were having so much fun and whats the harm I can always come back when I want right??

It was then that the dream shifted energy and I came to realize that all these people were not my friends.  I was reminded of a time in my teen years that I got into a very hostile situation and ended up on the beaten up end of things.  So I braced myself for the first blow from the girl standing in front of me.  She looked at me quizzically and said 'we don't do things that way here'  and she reached out and touched my arm.

Instantly I felt like she had taken over my mind and was filling me with images that were hurting me.  I closed my eyes and squeezed my brain shut.  The whole time praying or more like begging for my spirit to understand that I don't want to get high. I changed my mind, I don't want this path.  I could see the images I could see where i was going.  I cried and tried to block it out.  I didn't want to create this outcome that was being put into my mind.

In what felt like forever but was mere seconds the girl that controlled my mind let go of my arm and I fell to the ground.  I could feel everyone smirking knowing that I was now one of them.  I felt so angry and desperate in my dream.  I got up and ran hard to the front door.  I tried to turn the door knob but it was like my mind was so tranced that simple functions were lost in there.  I finally did get it open and got to the end of the yard before I was tackled by one of the guys in the party.

I cried with so much feeling to this guy that I didn't want to use.  I didn't want this path.  Please let me go, I begged him.

Then I woke up.  Feeling that intense state of resolve not to walk that path, not to get high.

I definitely didn't feel like getting high now.

These dreams happened too me.  I know in my heart that I was saving myself.  My spirit is the one that is begging me not to follow this path.  It's my own soul, my higher self or even my greater then conscious that is now communicating back to me in a fashion I can finally understand.

My dream last night had the same message just in a different area of addiction for me.  I was given clear focus and guidance in that dream.  I spend so much time in thought and so much of my passion lives in understanding the mind and how spirituality plays a part in its functioning that these dreams are my language with spirit.  My spirit spoke loud and clear to me today.

Why today though?

Last night in a group of people a prayer was spoken.  I know now without a doubt that in my reality when  group of people of like minds meet together and call in a higher power... mountains can be moved, miracles happen.... Source energy is ignited.  I made the white tag walk with humility, publicly displaying my intention to stop using and walk the white tag path.  It was a magical ritual.  That spell worked its magic last night in my dream and again today in my nap.

I have spiritual backing now.  Thats whats different.  I have accessed the Higher Power greater then myself.

I am learning that the age of Aquarius is about community.  I cannot tap spiritual power alone.  I can find love within myself and I can vibrate at a higher frequency on my own.  I can tap my own higher self who is connected to the source on my own.  However when in a setting where there are more then two people with the same focus and spirit is called in their is a much deeper energy created then can be done alone.

I am grateful to be connected to that energy again.  Sometimes I just need a boost and I get running smoothly again.  I am getting right with myself again.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Getting right with Myself

So I pulled out my coffee maker today.

A definite sign that I am back in active addiction.  Not to mention that I am high as a kite too and its only 9 am on a Sunday ...But its Easter Sunday and thats a holiday for celebration.... so its all good right?

The true proof though that I am back in the cycle of obsession is that connection with the dealer and the fact I smoked when I didn't even want to.  Compulsion reared its ugly head.  Game on.

The power of denial amazes me beyond any magic I could conjure.  I have been living in such a deep hole in my street kinda pit of denial these past few months.  I overeat like its my new normalcy now.  I am back up to the two helpings of food even when I am stuffed already.  I have traded water for coffee, veggies for sugar.   These are warning flags in my world that I am not dealing with something.   I know this and have for a very long time.  Yet I am back to wake and bake status.  Did I miss something?

Denial.  I had it all under control.  I was super tired from over working and there for it was okay to eat like shit.  I had no time or energy to shop and prep properly.  Those were my excuses even though i knew that if i ate well i would have more energy.  I was already caught though in a resentment.  And the resentment had already trapped me into denial.  Fucking sneaky bugger!

My addiction always progresses then into chasing the unattainable guy.  I have analyzed this one so much I am sick to death from it.  I don't know what it is that draws me to guys, I don't know what it is I want but I do know that I obsess like crazy about them once my mind has been turned in that direction.  And again I knew at this point that I was really hiding from something now not only in my emotions but also in my mind. With Food I am compulsive but with guys I am obsessive.  I cant be compulsive with guys... its the game that hooks me, thats the high.

When i get to this point I always know its a huge huge turning point in my addiction.  I cant play dirty.  I just cant.  It, I now realize builds a resentment with my own self.  I turn the original emotional upset inward.  Fucking around with guys is like taking fists to my own face, it's a ridiculous pain to endure.

When I was working a program of recovery this would be the place I stopped.  I would have a clear enough mind to understand a resentment needs to be dealt with or a feeling needs to be expressed.  I would see or be shown very quickly by people who can spot my demise, the pain I was heading into and the people I was hurting.

But I am not working a program.  I havent been since the winter when overwhelm set in.  When I know now I was suppose to ask for help.  The guilt and shame of the 'know betters' are threatening to drown me if I don't shake them off and refocus.

 I have to refocus.

Because I have now progressed into drinking a bottle of wine like its a cup of coffee. I inhale doobies like they are my new food.  It's 9 am and the dope was more important then breakfast.  Denial is fading.   Its no longer needed I am hooked back in.

 I know where I go from here.  I know what my next step looks like if I dont get right with myself.  My next step isnt a step at all... its a fall from a skyscraper, out of the pent house apartment where I just spent a ravishing three days with complete strangers and crystal of the wrong kind.

I don't need to ask how I got back here.  I need to ask how the fuck do I get out of here.  I asked for Spiritual guidance last night.  Clearing my resentments is the first step.  I gotta get some shit off my shoulders.
I have stopped talking to my friends, clammed up as tight as an oyster shell.  I need to open up again.  Always difficult to get vulnerable with the people closest to you, or at least thats my challenge right now.

..'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom' --Anais Nin

I am in pain.  I am ready to make the change that was too painful to make a few months ago.  I am ready to get honest again and express my feelings in truth.   Who am I kidding I am not fucking ready.  I dont even want to quit, I like smoking again.  I am not ready to get honest.  But if I dont I will not head into the light and to a great future I can already see clearly.

 I gotta get right with myself.  I gotta reconnect to my higher purpose.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Self Definition Outside the Rat Race

Learning who I am has truly got to be one of the most fun and hardest things I have experienced yet thus far in my life.  Redefining what works with my new belief systems and energy vibrations is naturally a process of trial error.

I recently posted about obsession and addiction.  Upon rereading what I wrote several times I found the information to be inaccurate.  For me anyways.  A dark story that I am still choosing to frequent.  In my course on Hypnosis I am learning that we create our own reality naturally through the thoughts we choose to focus on.  When I left the twelve step fellowship it was because I refused to continually focus on addiction and labeling myself as an addict. I stopped watching TV because I was tired of feeling less then.  I stopped listening to top 40 radio because I was sick of the Co-dependent theme in Love songs.

 I am not an addict.  I am not ugly.  I don't need a man to feel whole.

Yet,  I am a person that had shady boundaries and didn't know her own limits.  I have learned recently from a new friend the concept of limits.  Everyone has limits and learning them is imperative to self care.   I didn't know my limits for a very long time, so I easily crossed them.  There are obviously other things involved in my addictive habits concerning my higher power and filling a void but I wish to focus more on knowing thyself in this post.

I have many friends who have struggled with over indulgence and crossing their lines, who have found a new  way to live.  Friends who found themselves and learned where to draw their lines.  It is those friends that inspire me to keep on the path of self discovery and not the one found in indoctrination.   I am not fighting a system here or even myself, I am just flowing with what feels right within me.

I know my limits now where many distributive behaviors are concerned.  I only know this limit from walking the edge and pushing up against my boundaries to know what feels good and what doesn't.  Feeling has become very acute in me lately.  I find I am sensitive to more then just my limits.  I find there are many activities I can no longer tolerate that once were thought to be my favorites.  I am only learning this because I have gone out and experienced the activity.   I am definitely a hands on type of girl who needs to experience everything in order to understand it.  Again something new I have learned about myself.

So why all the self discovery now at this late stage of the game?  I had this conversation with my youngest daughter the other day.  She was talking about all the girls in 8th grade that are dating.  She was kinda disgusted by it.  I am disgusted by it for a whole different reason.  I know where it leads.

Girls who get involved with learning their boyfriends before learning themselves is a detrimental thing.  At that ripe age you must learn yourself first.  Its during those formative years that you learn your limits and boundaries.  What feels right for you and what doesn't.  When one spends her focus learning what her boyfriend likes and doesn't, she loses herself or at the very least the opportunity to learn herself.   When she does get around to learning herself it is only in reference to him.  Everything she discovers about herself is through his eyes or it is in direct relation to how she effects him.  She never learns her own separate identity.  Until the day comes that she awakens and realizes she has completely lost herself and does not like who she is.

I was there.

I woke up at that midlife point and thought... how the fuck did I get here.  I never wanted the life I was living at that point. I had lost all my dreams and passions, or better said hadn't found them yet.  A girl can wait till midlife to learn or she might cycling through a few partners before realizing that she still has no idea who she is and what her limits and boundaries are.  Always thinking its the partner she is with that makes her unhappy.  Not realizing the truth that its her own innate knowing that she is lost that is causing the unhappiness.

I am finally learning who I am and what my limits are. I am happy.   I am finally learning to stand on my own two feet without having to lean on 'him'.  I know now that I can have a glass of wine without drinking the entire bottle.  Why?  Because I don't want the hangover. I don't want the headache of a needy guy.   I have a solid foundation in a spirituality that fills my void now.  I also have walked the edge again recently and I was reminded of how painful a life of darkness is.  I am too happy and in love with who I am to fall into that again.  I also know that I don't need a program to tell me how to think anymore.  I trust my own greater then consciousness to guide me through life.

Learning to manage your own thoughts is the key to a successful and happy reality.  As I learn to focus on what I do want instead of what I don't,  my life is blooming in a way I never thought possible before.  Because I couldn't see it when I was trapped in my past.  I couldn't see it when I was trapped in a relationship.  I couldn't see it when I was trapped in a group telling me how to live.

I got out of the rat race and started listening to my own inner guidance.  I trust myself.   That has been the toughest lesson to learn.... to trust myself.

.....and now I am ready to get drunk and find me a good ol man!   lol

Completely joking!!  Kinda.......

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The View from My wHole

Do I have a story for you babe!  Its a good one, full of deceit, obsession and addiction re-spun. 

 It's of course one you probably don't want to hear.  I cheated on you love, in all the ways a healthy relationship cannot vibrate at.  Hence why I have been so quiet and when I have come for a visit here with you, its been to spew healthy advice.  

Distraction, deceit at its finest.   But you knew all this time, didn't you love? 

So I guess I best begin before I have 18 web pages of drama balled up in what was to be a nice crochet square.  A poem I read recently, by Portia Nelson, best describes my current journey..

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street. 

Well there you have it.  My knotted ball of yarn with a crochet hook stuck in chapter 3.   

Well.....She said it best and that's all she wrote,

 Moving on....

Talk to you again next week Love.



 I will share the story, but know that I don't wanna. 

 Living in guilt and shame does nobody any good.   Expressing the anger at myself for falling into that fucking hole again is necessary for me to move on.  This is a lesson I have learned from past falls. Many, Many of them.    Holding my anger in does nothing more then infect all those around me.

From my anger I already cannot stand to be around people.

 I have Zero tolerance for lies, deceit and bullshit.  Because lets be honest its what I just spent the last couple of months drowning my own self in.   I can see it acutely clear in others because they are my living mirror.  I cannot be around that lest I continually trigger my own need to stay in obsession and darkness.

My anger is causing my kids to act out with mean words to each other.

My kids always feel in themselves whats going on within me.  I have always know this and have removed myself from them physically when I cannot get my shit under control.  I cannot remove myself any longer...... but I have the tools now to fix my disruptive energy.

Writing it out here is my tool. Coming to talk to you my Love, is my tool.

 In the past I have bounced a bit over the idea that dumping my bullshit is a dirty action and moving right into the fluffy feeling is the way to go.  I have separated the process and done only bits and pieces to see what works and what feels right.   But,   I have come to understand to effectively share a process you have been through recently is to already have a solution to your own problem.

In the meetings I attend.  I used to spin white light on my situations in a false fashion as a people pleasing tactic.   That's not a positive message as people feel the under current of my bullshit, as do my kids right now with my anger.  However the person who moves past people pleasing and just spews their anger and leaves it at that, infects all those people in the room with their venom.  Leaving everyone again in a negative place. I have been doing that recently.

I have done both those things here in these letters to you Love.

And you have known it... this i know.

Maybe I need to work through the process in private with a trusted friend or mentor(sponsor).  Maybe....Only once I have the solution can I then share it in a fashion that will help me express the feeling and the positive solution at the same time.  Thereby transmuting the negative feeling into something positive??

AH hA!  

And again I am distracting from the original ball of yarn.

See how easy it is for me to seduce myself with words.

How easy it is for my own lack of self honesty and my own inner desire to feed off distractions instead of getting vulnerable and dealing with my shit, lest I live in this fucking hole forever!

......Okay So I am climbing out of my hole.

Yes it is MY hole.  I have gotten very intimate with this hole, spent much time in there.  I know every nook and cranny and have even made friends with the huge spider that lives in the north wall.  I have seen her cycles and watched her spider eggs hatch a thousand babies.  This is my hole and for many years I have called it home.  Much more comfortable in this hole then on the busy street above.

Ya.  That was  long time ago.  I don't like this hole anymore.

I do so love walking in the fresh air and light.  I love bumping into people and getting to know them.  I really do love rushing to work along this street and shopping it on my days off.  I just adore sitting on the bench and listening to the birds sing and watching the dogs play.

Yup I love this street...

 ......except for the big fucking hole in the center of it.

How the fuck did I fall in it again?

Oh right... Portia nailed it... Habit.

I have been sharing lots with people lately.. funny how I am only catching this now as I write.. in order to quit smoking I had to change my entire days routine.

 I share that its not the nicotine that got me the most,  but more the morning smoke with my coffee and the one on break at work.  And the I must must must have one after I eat.... and so on.  I haven't smoked for 7 years now and have never ever looked back.  I don't even refer to myself as an ever been smoker.  Disgusting habit.

How did I quit that so easily and not these other disgusting habits I have?

 I went in for surgery and knew that I would be in the hospital breaking my routine for four days.  It was enough for me to start planning four months ahead of time, preparing my mind for the transition. I would quit then.  I lined my mind up with the break in routine. 

I completely moved to a new street.  Changed absolutely everything in order to quit smoking.

It's time to move to another street in my life again.

The hole I just fell in is the one that starts with the obsession and compulsions of over eating.  In the same moment the obsession to fill the void with romantic love is born and the compulsion to seek out the guys that cannot give it to me is born.   When this last obsession is left to run wild, then soon to follow is the pain numbing drugs.

And this is where I sit Love.

On a ledge along the east side of my familiar hole.  

Almost wondering how I got here but in my heart of wisdom knowing fully what happened. So what I truly sit here with is seething anger at myself for not being stronger and smarter.

Followed in close second by disgust and shame.

Now, neither of those two energies get a person out of a hole so I need to express them and transmute them into something positive so I can take that last step out of the hole.  But before I do that I must run to the store and get an energy sucking coffee.

 I will change streets tomorrow, but for today I will continue to indulge in those things that put me in the hole in the first place..... sex or drugs anyone??   Joking... ?


Okay I am back.  Not high.  Not sexed.  Just blitzed on caffeine.  Did you enjoy the video while I was gone.  Courtney Love gets me.

So how did I fall in the hole again, not Courtney Loves, but my own?  lol  I wonder if one of my male counterparts is asking himself the same thing about my hole?

Sorry distraction.

 I have learned that I am queen of deceit, self and otherwise.  I can talk my way around a hole and convince people that I am not even in the's just their imagination.  And the real deceit is that I believe that above line so fully that it keeps me spinning my own lies while everyone else has to sit and watch me kamakazi out of control.

Okay so here it is.

I have been switching tracks this past year.  I have started taking a course that has connected me to new people and a new way of life.  I have been shifting and changing and it feels amazing.  I love training to be a hypnotherapist.  It's always been on my path to do.

 When people say find your purpose in life, whats your destiny?    I realize being a healer has always been my calling I just didn't find the avenue that fit me until now.  Since starting this course my life has seeded and shot blooms into areas of my reality I never even knew existed until now.  I have begun to tap my potential and it feels amazing...

And way to scary.

I have been here before.  I have switched streets before.

I went from fat, lazy and no ambition for life..... to a healthy, thriving female once.  In that transition my friends all changed, my career line changed and even my Partner changed.   It was a huge street change in my life.  One that I did not fair well with.  At the height of all this change I panicked and tumbled down from the top of my mountain.  I lost every thing.  My job.  My car.  My marriage.  and even my kids.  Followed by my self respect, and my will to live.  

I have come back from that now.

I am now building a new life and find myself switching tracks yet again.

And the fear is overwhelming.  So much easier to eat, sex and drug then face that kind of fall again.  Its that fall that brought me to drugs.  Before that food was sufficient enough to keep me asleep and in ignorance to my life's goals and paths.  After that awakening food could no longer do it.

I am escalating in the ways I force myself off path.  I am allowing my obsessions to keep me distracted from what my true potential is in life.  I feed myself all these lies that I need the object of my obsession before I can move forward.  When in truth its the fear of taking responsibility for my dreams and feeling that I cant do it alone.

 Its fear that feeds the lies, the obsession and leads to the compulsions.

My hole is fear.

I fear my own light.

I fear shifting paths and leaving behind those people, situations and objects that choose not to come with me or who's paths are not along side mine.  Its not comfortable to leave behind those things even if the new experiences catapult you into greater feelings of love and bliss.

Quitting smoking was awesome.  Getting fit was even better.  Not being interested in socializing with the smokers as they went outside every five minutes was kinda lonely.  Not having anything in common with my husband anymore was heart wrenching.  But feeling good about myself and in my own skin was amazing and well worth the changes that I had to go through.

So now transmuting my anger that has been unearthed as fear into something more positive is to shift my thoughts and awareness.  I have been caught in the focus of what I will lose if I keep building.   When in reality if I were to focus on what I am building only, then there will be no falling back in the hole because I would change streets without even realizing it.  

There is a bible saying somewhere, where Jesus advises the people keep their eyes on him.  Always keep your eyes on what you want, what brings you love.  Thus the distractions will not take you down the back alleys and into the hole you have made a habit of falling into.

So today I am refocused and back on track.  I am riding my bike again which means for me head clearing time and positive body movement.  Which always leads to eating properly and filling myself up with clean energy.  Which strengthens my resolve to not play with the boys that will not satisfy my desires anyways and therefor not cause the spin into drugs.   So if i am not in that negative, angry shameful place, where will I be?  

In the place of growth, higher energy vibrations, increased frequencies.  Drawing new experiences and people into my world and starting to live the life I have always imagined for myself.  On stage and in private practice, motivating and supporting positive change in people willing to do the work.

So My love, do you forgive me?

You are my focus.  My one and only.  It is you that gets me through, it is you that is healthy for me.  for you are an extension of me.  Love, I am You.  It will only be me that gets me through.