Saturday, May 31, 2014
You might have to bare with me this post as I work through some knowledge that is just budding as understanding. Defining when I am asleep and when I am awake is where my mind has been most active today.
My blog is about Ascension. Waking up to the reality or truth of who I AM. Yet it feels like I am falling asleep more then I am waking up. I guess defining what it even means to be asleep or awake is where I should start huh?
When I speak about waking up, it's metaphorically of course. To be awake is to be deeply aware of who you are and to stand in that truth. To be awake is to be moving forward on your personal growth.
To be asleep is to be living life by other peoples dictations. To live on auto pilot. To follow the crowd absentmindedly because it doesn't matter to you. One is asleep if they lack energy to follow their passions. Asleep people sometimes are in such a deep coma that they don't even know what there passions are, they are in denial of being asleep. Asleep people sometimes convince themselves they are happy and this is the life they want. I think some people are not even meant to wake up this lifetime, or right now and that's okay. To be asleep is ignorant bliss and there are many days I would like to be there again.... hence my constant threat of willing myself back to sleep.
I don't know how you tell if your asleep or not. I know for me I just felt like I was not living up to my full potential. I felt that there was just way more to life then what I was experiencing. I knew in my heart I was not fully happy and satisfied but I had no idea how to get to that happy. I followed all society's rules and guidance and felt worse and worse, like I was a leper and didn't fit in. I had these secret dreams and passions that I just couldn't seem to tell people about, let alone pursue.
It wasn't until I began peeling away what didn't feel right and began following what felt good that I began to awake. I swung the pendulum to far to the feel good side and ended in addiction because of it, but I wonder sometimes if that wasn't part of my Ascension journey. Can't fully embrace the light without understanding its counter balance, darkness. But I digress....
I am just learning to identify what keeps me asleep. Taking this hypnotherapy course is already starting to ding some bells in my little brain. Societal hypnosis is a very real thing. To follow the masses is almost like a drug that we become all to comfortable buying into. I will get back to this though.
I always knew that food was a sleeping agent for me. When I overeat, or eat lots of starches and sugars, I begin to fall into a hypnotic state of mind. I become to tired to do anything, let alone actively pursue my passions. Food induces a coma for me. I just want to sit, watch TV and eat. Weed induced that same coma state. I am reading lots on the chemicals put in our drinking water, into our coffee's and all matter of sorts in our foods. These toxins keep us doped up and unable to move into the truth's of ourselves.
Why is that so? I remember when my son was very ill when he was a toddler. He called for me in his delirious state and when I went to him, I felt chills run through my body upon looking into his eyes. They were pure black and completely void of him. It was like he was just a functioning body with no soul in there. It was so unnerving that I called my mentor to talk it out. Her being a holistic healer explained to me how the soul leaves the body when it's in danger. Being harmed and being very sick, the soul checks out. Right now we are very sick people, putting rat poisons and other toxins in our bodies on a daily basis's.
How can you be awake when your soul can't stomach the harm your doing to yourself?
I am starting to realize how much the collective consciousness actually keeps me asleep as well. I have said it a million times, you become like the five closest people to you. This is an example of this. What you associate with is the energy you will embody. People that are asleep will work hard to keep you asleep, not that they will be aware of it, but it's an energetic reality. But what about the media?
Media... what you watch, what you fill your mind with is as equally toxic as what you put into your body through your mouth. I am sure we are all aware of this by now. I learned on a deeper level when i lost all my weight how true this is for the community as a whole.
I was treated way differently as a 'skinny' person then I was as big lady. Even though I didn't buy into the stereo type of woman's barbie bodies I realized that the majority of people around me did. It became increasingly difficult not to get caught up in the flow of the actions around me. It felt good. Today however I have settled down to that reality and am kinda disgusted with the way media leads us like cattle through the streets.
When we buy in to media we connect to a collective thought and it is through that thought that we are hypnotized. I am not saying all media is like this, but much of it out there is meant to keep you in a trance and dancing like a government controlled puppet.
It's much much easier to follow the masses when you have no idea who you are. When we came into the world we were connected to our souls and knew who we were. We were not afraid to ask for what we needed and made our presence known to the people around us. Where along the line do we fall asleep? Do we all fall asleep or do some of us maintain our awakened state? These people that maintain it, are they confused about this movement of awakening? Does trauma cause our souls to abandon ship? Is awakening for the broken person a soul retrieval? Can someone who has not experienced trauma still push their souls away by media following alone, by toxic ingestion alone?
Why do people choose to stay asleep or when they wake up, why do they so quickly put themselves back in slumber? This is where I am at now. It seems so much easier just to give in to my desire to do nothing and sleep. To just float along in life and give nothing more then my 10 percent and get my 20 back. It seems so much more acceptable to watch breaking bad and joke about the mayor that smoked crack. No one faults me for eating that chocolate cake the other day, they actually laugh and share their over eating stories with me, welcoming me to the 'club'. Such a connection I have to the world around me when I stay asleep.
That's not what I want however. I want a connection to my soul. I want to become all that I can be and live my dreams. I want to feel a state of internal bliss everyday of my life. I want to experience real love, cosmic love. I want to create a reality so grand that even I am amazed everyday I wake up. Does this all sound far fetched to you? Unachievable?
Wells it's not. I have experienced all of that and more. The issue is that I have yet to experience it all, all of the time. I have had tastes of it here and there. I remember for a solid year bouncing out of bed, unbelieving that I was getting paid to do a job I loved so much that it didn't even feel like work. During a meditation once I had a full body orgasm that I can't even begin to describe. I have been on stage in front of 700 people sharing my story and motivating them. I have done all those things in the above paragraph. I just have yet to maintain it. Because I always fall back asleep...
The culprit.... Sex, men and romance. It's always my demise. The world tells me I am nothing without a man. The only people telling me otherwise are older women without men in their lives. I always fall back under the hypnotic trance when I listen to songs like 'Guerrilla' over and over again on the top forty station I love. After a few weeks of hearing a particular trance inducing song, my mind starts to form thoughts and actions soon follow. This goes back to when our parents told us not to listen to the devils music. They were on to something, they new the hypnotic trance it puts us under, what it feeds is our subconscious mind. The weak, insecure mind feeds off this power and asleep she goes. Asleep I go.....
Well awareness is key right?? I wont let myself fall asleep this time. I am about to embark on my dreams for the very real time, this time. I need to 'work' at keeping myself awake. I have to push through the uncomfortable bubble into my truth and stand up in that. A christian song today reminded me to Give it to God.... THEN walk in it. It's time to woMAN up!!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
"Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain"
That was a line from my last post. It was not my line. I didn't read that line anywhere. It came from some where deeper I think. I have chewed it over lots this week as my energy continued to drain and I was finding myself getting to the angry part of H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely , Tired....... in case you missed last weeks read. Even in my awareness I was unable to stop the cycle of halt this week.
Last night as I was unwinding on my deck, the thought of breath work kept creeping into my mind. I realized yet again on a new layer of the onion peel that I have not been breathing. When I get busy at work, or stressed with life, my breath is shallow and quick. So I took a few deep breaths that turned into many deep deep breaths and instantly I was beginning to feel better, peaceful.
Then I was reminded of how I have been here before. I have a post I wrote like six months ago about the importance of breath work in our daily lives. Looks like I need to revisit my own words of wisdom, yet again. So here is that post cut and copied....
Ya, I am cheating today. I am too fucking tired to conjure up a witty read....so plagiarizing my own writings is the non noble path I choose to walk in my self created drama this fine Sunday in May. Love you all and Happy reading!
Yogi Brent is who I wake up with in the morning. This is my daily program for connecting body, mind and Spirit. I do not spend much time anymore between my alarm going off and my morning guided breathing mediation.
That time space of pure relaxation. The void between my spiritual world of slumber and my physical existence. This is often the time destroyed by my ego's need fill the peace with thoughts of dread and chastisings over my day yesterday or the day ahead of me. It is during this critical time that my whole days attitude is forged. I do not sit here long enough for my Ego to fuck with that.
Eye's still half closed I crawl to the bottom of my king size bed and open my laptop that lives on the corner of my massive bed. I tune in to my Favorite YouTube video by yogi Brent, Kundalini Energizer Breath series. I then precede to bring conscious breath into my body for 25 minutes. Some days I feel a lack of energy to stay focused and other days I nail the meditation. No matter how I feel beginning or during the meditation, by the end of it, I feel ready to bounce through my day in love and gratitude.
History for me shows that when I do a breathing meditation daily my life climbs these massive mountain with little ease. I remember several years ago.. 2006. I began a Fire breath meditation. I had no understanding of what I was doing, I just liked the way it made me feel. I did the 30 minute breathing routine everyday faithfully for a good six months. During the time of this daily practice, I wrote some goals I wanted to achieve for my life. ... Getting a better paying job, losing weight, quitting smoking....... Looking back now, all of those goals were not only achieved, but exceeded my wildest expectations.
Today I can already feel the shift in my reality.
As within, So without.
I have been doing some research this time as to why this form of meditation is so effective. I have learned that I hold my breath in times of stress. I have learned that my Ego was creating a continual world of fight or flight for me. In a place of mild panic and acceptable go, go,go..... Our bodies and spirits are not meant to sustain that state 24/7. I was holding my breath.
Did you know that Breath is the one thing we cannot live without for any amount of time? We can starve ourselves to death. We can dehydrate ourselves and most of us are. We can harm ourselves in all the ways we want to, but we can not choose to stop breathing, we cannot force ourselves to stop breathing.
Breath is Prana. Prana is Life force.
You cannot kill the source directly. You cannot take your own breath. That life force is always with you, no matter how much you turn your back on it. So my take on that now is if you can't live without it, then you might as well make it work to your advantage. I have learned that breathing serves so many functions other then to just give you oxygen.
Did you know you use 18 muscles when you breath? 10 coming in, 8 going out, deep breathing tones your abs!! Oxygen increases the function of your circulation. This means your heart and your blood that keep you alive and keep love flowing throughout you is detoxed. No wonder I was having circulation issues, which by the way are all gone now. You could not speak without breath. To find your voice and stand in your truth, you need deep healthy breath. Breathing increases your metabolism and helps eliminate waste, again with the weight loss and toxic release. But most of all for me breath helps me ground and center. Breath is the way I connect with divine Spirit. Life force. The source.
If you have breath issues, illness's or challenges with breathing.... you have complications with your connection to your divine self.
When my body is healthy within then my life reflects that without. That's the as within, so without. The Wiccans say...... As above, so below. Life force enters our body from the heavens and flows to the earth and then returns from the earth and shoots into the heavens, connecting us to the Christ consciousness. It is through breath that I connect to my higher power and the divine. It's the physical, in my body, step that I take to shush.. my mind and welcome in spirit.
During Yogi Brents Video he leads us through a few chants that I would like to explain here. I have had to do some research on this as I am trying to be more aware of my spiritual practices. In my past I have invoked some nasty dark stuff that I wish to steer clear of this time around.
First, the hand position he asks us to hold is the Guyan Mudra. Thats where you touch the thumb and the index finger together with palms facing up. When you connect your fingers in this way it signals to your mind and spirit an ancient trigger, imparting receptivity and calm. There are many Mudra's you can use in everyday life that help you overcome ever day challenges. When I do this meditation regularly and I get stressed at work I remember to take a deep breath and touch my fingers together in this fashion and its almost instant, my frustration or anxiety melts away into nothing.
The Second Two things are the Mantra's he uses. A mantra in this situation is a statement that he repeats. The first one at the beginning calls Upon Divine wisdom. "OM Namo Guru Dev Namo". We repeat this three times in the meditation, during the day if I need to call on Divine help I repeat this mantra and it brings me into alignment with the powers that be. The second one at the the end Means 'Truth'. "Satnam".
To compliment the physical connection through conscious breath to the Divine Source, the mantra's and mudra's use your mind to invoke Spirit.
This is how I start my day now. I cannot even begin to share with you how much my inner thoughts and emotions have shifted because of this. Knowing my history of this has even catapulted the effects. I have changed around the rooms in my home to increase air circulation and find that my physical energy has also sky rocketed. Powerful stuff.
I am so abundantly grateful today. I am so ridiculously happy today. I am dreamily in love with my girls, my friends and my family today. I am eager to work, for a living and on my life mission today. I am ready to fully participate in life. I am even getting comfortable with the idea of walking through my feelings... but just a little bit! Life is good folks as I learn to accept my light, as well as not be afraid of the shadow that creates.
Well there you have it. Such a fabulous energy I was in then.
Not that I am in a yucky place today, just tired. I haven't done this meditation in months. I have let the discipline of obtaining good energy slip, falling back on old habits of using people, sex and drugs to fill me up instead.
I hate routine but know that when I get comfortable with a discipline for obtaining energy, my life shifts dramatically. When I did this breath exercise this morning I could barely hold my peace. I could barely get through a breathing exercise but I still played the tape till the end and I was right I feel better. Time to get back to some conscious breath work...
I am tired of suffering and choose to participate in actions that fill me with peace and happiness. This is one of those disciplined actions that will take me to that peace.
Thank you for reading. Have a fabulous day!!
Follow the White Rabbit....
More of the Healing....
Sunday, May 18, 2014
I am always going on about Self care. Naturally, this is another post about that.
Learning, relearning and peeling away new layers of the self care onion is obviously an ongoing experience for me. I have posted in the past, in depth, all the ways we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy. Today I am not only having to revisit them, I am seeing how pushing myself at work is a sore spot in my self care regime.
Workaholism is another form of addiction. A way to distract ourselves from life and our potentials. It is such a honored and worthy form of addiction in the society that I live in. Too have a job and work twelve hour days and to be tanned and toned and feel like I am a productive member of society is way too prided in my world. Today I feel the effects of this as I struggle to post here in my weekly favored fashion. I have given up my passion for society acceptance.
Well that's one layer of the onion and not the entire truth. I love working hard, it makes me feel good inside. I love being outside. I like having tanned skin and don't buy into the cancer bullshit. I completely adore my body for the ability she has to rip circles around the 19 year old young bloods. My job gives me moral satisfaction when I can pay my bills, enjoy life's pleasures and save for something that brings me joy.
Its not my job or society that is the issue in my self care at the moment. It's my inability to see when I go to far. I am learning that when I get tired I begin the stinking thinking process. Energy is a funny thing that I am just learning how to manage. When all my energy goes into work, my self care begins to suffer as I have no energy for it. When I am in obsession with a guy, my entire life suffers because I have no energy to focus anywhere but on my all consuming obsession. Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain.
I am out of energy right now. I used it all to get through my six day work week. 72 hours I worked this week. I am drained. I cant think about staying clean. I cant think about eating properly. I cant think about meditating. I just wanna quick fix. I want to get high. I want to get drunk. I want to get laid. Those take no thought. Those are natural and easy paths for me to assume instant gratification and give me a boost of momentary energy. Like sugar gives you a jolt.
I am getting sMrT though. I realize that as with sugar all my instant vices will leave me feeling more drained shortly after the glorious jolt. Better then, to take the time I need to recharge my batteries the proper way. For me that is spending time alone. I need to be away from people that want to share energy with me. I have none to give right now and I do not wish to draw off theirs. I need to reconnect with my higher power through a good deep session of meditation.
I spent the evening in a luxurious bath. I deep conditioned my poor dry dirty broken hair. I masked my face to replenish my skin from the harsh wind and sun of the week. I sat in oatmeal water to re-hydrate my skin and then spent loving time applying my favorite body cream. Then I slipped between my Egyptian cotton sheets and crashed hard for the night.
That is the physical side of my self care. Now today I need to focus on my mental and emotional side. My daughters are both gone. My youngest, I think is at a sleep over(poor parenting due to lack of energy) and my oldest at her fathers. This is perfect recharge time when I have the house to myself. I already did my laundry... much needed when the jeans you wear daily are no longer blue but a deep gray color. I am writing here as it fills me with joy. I am about to take out my stinking garbage. And then it will be me and my favorite movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'. After that I will do as my spirit requests. I owe her this time as I have dictated and controlled six days of this seven day week.
So here is to H.A.L.T. I am no longer hungry as I am feeding my body well today. I am also feeding my spirit and recharging the energy I need. I am not angry, this is always the last step of halt for me, when I get to angry I am in serious trouble. Lonely is the reason why I am reconnecting with my higher power. It is the process of being in love with my entire being and being happy. There is no loneliness when you are connected to your source. And well tired will take a couple days to recharge and the whole reason for this post and my self care regime.
I am learning to identify the very first steps in my process of decline back into full blown addiction and loss of my life's focus. Obsession is a nasty place to be and I am finally out of it. I have no desire to go back there and I am willing to work that extra bit to make sure I am filling up with the light and not indulging Lady Vixen.
Thank you for reading my post and I wish you the best day of your life today, and everyday!!
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Are you aware of what you allow into your inner bubble? Your personal space? Your heart? Your reality?
I think I let my personal space bubble get too dirty.
Its stuck in my mind like a popcorn kernel gets stuck in my teeth, You must love yourself before you can love others. ......Another piece of advice I am still chewing on, after what seems like years is, every thing You need you have within you. Naturally, seek within before reaching outside yourself. Are you able to set boundaries easily and keep them in order to achieve your own sense of well being?
Yes, this is all happening currently in one blink of a moment as the thoughts rush through my mind, I rush to get them out here.
My teenage daughter sleeps on the couch after a night of participating in a 30 hour famine at her school to raise money for a water system for an impoverished town in some country that I know I should pay attention too, but haven't a clue of where. I am bored. I am so proud of her for participating that I want to keep the house peaceful for her, for a few hours at least. It is too bloody cold outside to start planting on my balcony.
I am in an edgy mood today.
I am clean from dope and sugar for over a week now. Yay, but not. Feelings are equal again, no chocolate cake to swing the edgy mood into a moment of bliss. I am aware of the overall positive difference in my body and mind though. I am clearer and happier, with expanded focus on where I want to go in this jungle of life. My body is already feeling a world better, eating clean food is the placebo that helps me feel better about myself.
I am still however trying to float the romance boat and it still has that huge hole in the bottom of it. That damn addict in me, lovingly named Lady Vixen, doesn't want to rest until she succeeds. I was already told once by one of my failed conquest attempts that this will be the death of me, I am starting to think he was right. This is why I ask the question what do you allow in your bubble?
I am an avid oracle card reader, when I have questions for my spirit guides I ask them to speak through my cards for clearer messages. Hoakey or not its my way and it works. I have many decks to choose from and depending on the type of question I have a related deck to answer it effectively. In my edgy mood I asked for animal guidance and drew the Amarillo. This animal represents Boundaries. Setting up protection around myself and pushing forward letting the hurts bounce off me so that I can move beyond. Makes sense only after letting that information absorb for a couple days and after writing this post in its entirety yesterday and editing it now.
I wrote the bulk of this post yesterday before I had an opportunity to go to a potluck dinner that was being hosted by my 12 step fellowship. I couldn't go. I wanted to go. I know my spirit was willing me to go. Even my daughter wanted to go. But I just couldn't. I was not ready to face the people, my friends, that I walked away from months ago. I didn't want to see my latest failed conquest. I was not ready for the humility. I still wanted to play in my anger and feel secluded. I am still hurt and my bubble of raw feelings is not yet coated in protection yet.
Luckily for me the card went on to further include instructions on how to secure a stronger shield and focus for my over active mind.
The deeper message is about setting intentions around what I wish to experience in my life. The instructions I was given, were to draw a circle on a piece of paper. Inside the circle write what I wish to realize and outside the circle the things I do not wish to experience in my world. To re-align with a positive force normally I only focus on what I do want to create, I only wrote the things I don't wish to experience so that I was able to see on paper what I am actually experiencing in the here and now. Facilitating awareness and therefor acceptance.
A few of the things that I put on the outside of the bubble that I am experiencing right now: Judgement, hate, dark stories(mine and others), situations and people that put me in my head, fear, arrogance, victim patterns and the past looping itself in the present. These are the things that addiction trigger for me, or I am triggered by these things and then I try to get out of the feelings through sugar and dope and the available penis. I don't know what comes first the chicken or the egg, regardless however, this is where I am at. Acceptance.
What I put inside my bubble: Love of Self and others, heart experiences, divine plans, Respect, intimacy, emotional connection, acceptance of self and others, refocus the fun in my landscaping job and the passion in my hypnotherapy business, strengthened family relationships, good physical and mental health. For the inner bubble I drew on experience. I had all these in balance and abundance last summer. These are not foreign unreachable concepts for me. The whine for me on this is how the fuck did I lose my footing so much? I feel like I fell down the entire set of steps. Acceptance. Don't get stuck. Move into action.
This is where the question of self love pops up and when to share that and when it flips over to seeking it outside yourself to bring it back inside. Knowing how it feels to tap that self love. To feel like everything you need is within you and every experience you have is just a gift because what you feel inside is ten times greater then the hug you receive from the outside. The power in the hug comes from the over flowing love you have for that person, the hug is the outlet you choose to express whats inside of you. I know what it's like to feel complete peace in the face of someones judgment upon me, because my self love was strong enough for me to understand it's just an opinion they hold and I love them for having the courage to express it. Thats what it means to find what you need from within. To have full self love and not need to seek any sort of verification outside of yourself. Fully self supporting.
I flipped out somewhere and now I am suspicious of the hug because I feel angry and edgy. I am not tolerant of the advice of others because my insecurities and lack of self love have me questioning their motives. I am clinging to incorrect people and situations right now because they are most comfortable to me. Knowing that this state is not 'right', I push everyone away from me that can help me and are good for me. b I don't want to infect anyone or feel any more worse then I do. I don't trust. Reaching out becomes to hard and the isolation that an addict thrives in takes over.
I just want to question when and why I seek the power outside myself that I know I have within me. Why is it that I turn the tables and begin seeking the romantic love to fill the void that I have already begun to fill with my own self love? When do I turn from acceptance to judgement? I want to say that its in the meditation and prayers or lack of them, but it's not, I never stop with those practices until the very end...and to be totally honest its when I smoke up that I am catapulted back into the spiritual experience I need to turn things around.... healthy or not it is what it is for me.
Denial is what just popped up in my cards as to the answer to why I am back at step One. Not just denial that I have self care issues and addiction issues, but also denial of simple little things that add up and create a big thing. Speaking my truth is the little denial that has lead to all the rest. I still struggle hard with speaking about what I am feeling or thinking in the moment. I will let a persistent nagging feeling that needs to be expressed with someone slide under the carpet of my mind where it molds and begins to stink.
.........These are resentments, I am now beginning to understand. Little hurts that my non existent protective shield let in. I have been told that I am too sensitive, I never understood that when it was spoken to me. I think I am getting it now.......
After a few of these moldy unspoken words are pushed underneath my mind I begin to get a little toxic. This is where I believe my self love and respect begin to slip out the back door. If I am not going to love myself enough to speak up for my feelings when they are hurt, even just mildly, or if something is on my mind that I know needs to be said but worry about how the other person will respond, how can I be showing myself respect? If a friend came to me for advice that concerned putting her self care first I would be very vocal and encouraging to say what needs to be said or done in order to maintain her peace.
Why then is my peace less important? Because.... I don't know how to set boundaries and keep them. I also need to thicken my skin a bit. Maybe some hurts are not mine to bear, learning to let them roll off my Amarillo shell may just be the simplest lesson here.
It is when these hurts are left to fester that my mind begins to align with them and I slowly begin to buy into the hurt and things flip the other way. Oh!!! Wait. The lights are flashing in my mind. Awareness dawning. The understanding of how important it is to first have the protective skin to deflect hurts that are not really directed at me but may have skimmed me anyways and to know how to voice the ones that do penetrate. Speaking up about what hurts is the way to stop it before it festers.
LoL. Bing! Bing! bing! By George, I think she is got it!!
Man it takes me awhile to spin around in circles before I get dizzy enough for my mind to be able to accept a new understanding. Okay so here is to thickening up my skin a bit and learning to speak my truth to keep my peace. Man just writing that brings me anxiety at the challenges I am about to face in order to toughen up. Goddess go easy on me, let me reaps the rewards instantly!