Sunday, August 24, 2014

Take the Goddess's View

Journalling and re reading my own words of wisdom is the most powerful form of advice I could receive... albeit sometimes the most painful words to chew and digest.

More and more, I am understanding life is a series of cycles.  dips and drops, ups and downs... Cycles where you achieve mastery over your situation and then within that same cycle of mastery you lose it all and need to start all over again from scratch.

Thats where I am at today.  Starting from scratch and a little bit bitter about it. Or I should be more honest and correct that last line.  I am no longer bitter about it because through reading these post that I have put back online recently, I have come to realize, I may be starting from scratch but its not on the same path I once was on.

I have grown and evolved since the last time I cycled here. Thank the Goddess within me and all the work I out into connecting with her.

Throughout my life, my reality, my game I choose to play in this world, I have been given rewind chances.

 Rewinds in my life are crossroads or turning points that I have chosen poorly with the first time around.  Maybe not so much poorly as in the lesser path I choose.  The path that is wide and beautiful and society acceptable.   Those paths I have come to understand are not the paths for me.  For many others that seek social acceptance, that is the path for them, but not me.  So most rewinds in my life are to go back and choose the path less traveled, the path I had intended on when I wrote my life contract.  The path of awakening.

I am at such a crossing now and I am entirely grateful to the characters in my play that have set me back on course, even though those same players have invoked one hell of a wrath in me as of recent.  A ripping of the Ego is not such a pleasant thing.

 I am learning that through stepping back and observing myself and my life from a distance, from the point of observer I can see a much larger picture of who I am and where I am going.  I can see more clearly how I am trying to stuff myself into a situation and life path that is not at all of my desire, ... yet I am doing it because my mind feels good in that situation.  Only my mind however, nothing else.

It has been through meditation and a deep connection to my inner goddess that I can stand back to observe.
My warning points that I am seriously veering off track are those times in my life that I work extra hard to cut that connection from source off.  Those times that I ignore my real feelings and inner knowings and opt for the instant gratifications of my ego and my mind.  Its through over eating and drugs that I most effectively shut off my inner guidance system.

I have found myself recently in the exact same situation I was in when I left my ex husband five years ago.  same characters in my story just new players, playing the parts.  It is only through friends that I have developed deep friendships with that have been able to point out my cycles.  Its through being brutally honest with my friends even when it was embarrassing to do so that I have been gifted with the greatest mirror of self reflection to save myself from another painful cycle of same choices and thus same consequences.

I am grateful to the friends I have had for five, ten, fifteen and well even thirty fucking years... omg, I am old.  Because its these friends that step up and say, Hey wait, doesn't this remind you of.... and then the bells an whistles blow as you realize you are about to get hit by the fucking old steam train again.  Which is doubly annoying because it moves so bloody slow that even a sloth could get out of the way.

I am not blinded by my own ego this time however.  I have learned lessons and have grown by leaps and bounds.  I am able to move out of the way of the train and stand next to one of my greatest friends this world has gifted me and watch as my old life gets smashed to pieces by the train.   With gratitude and a bit of humor her and I can pick apart the new players in the cycle and I can giggle over the comparisons to the first go round.   I have deep lessons to learn this time lest I find myself here again in another five years... man poke my eyes out with a stick if I do!!

But again it is only through my own words that I find the path back to the light.  Where some people find working the twelves steps, or a program of self improvement from books and programs that peel back the layers of one self... I find my enlightenment through experience and then writing about it.  Learning what works for me has been the best part of my game of life.  Learning who I am and unraveling the mysteries to why I create what I do has made this journey exciting and worth walking.

I once had the life of social acceptability, the marriage, the kids and the dog, the job and the cars and the house... and ........I fucking hated it.  Every minute of it I felt like I was suffocating by my own hands wrapped around my throat.

I have worked programs where the peel was way to painful on my delicate skin and programs where the drama was just far too much for me.   Programs where there was not enough accountability and programs that isolated me.  I have read every self help book on the shelves and joined every society and group for the betterment of myself.......

And then I have found this blog and my words.  I have found my website and my creations.  I have found my singledom and my freedom.  I have found my addictions and my vices.  I have found my program of experience and emotional ups and downs.  I have found my friendships and my mirrors. I have foubd my lovers and my self love.   I have found my god and my inner guidance system.  I have found the path for me to create the reality I wish to live.

I no longer have to hate my job, or my life, or my vices, or anything about who I am.  Because when I can rise out of the shit and observe it from a third party place of seeing the whole picture, I can see how beautifully intricate the whole play is and how much work the players are putting into my play just so that maybe this time... I actually get it.  I am over joyed with love and compassion for them.

It took me a little bit longer then I would have liked to come back to this understanding, but whatever, I am here again now.  I am not sure how long I will hold this clarity at this moment as I am still deeply tied into my vices and the way I shut my system down in order to be able to play in the shadows.  But I do know know how to get back into the light and will work at that in every moment of clear sight I have over the next few weeks.  I have already reset my path and have no worries of slipping back on to that path of self sabotage.  I have way way to much self love this time to let myself get marred down by that heavy reality again.

A super special thank you to my dearest and closest friend of over twenty years, who listened to her flashbacks and inner guidance system and brought light to where I was at and how to get out of choosing a second devils dance into the night.  I Love you Idnew!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Waging a War on Emotions

I have waged a war with my emotions.  Why do I fight so hard against my feelings?  Going to any extent to keep them from expressing themselves.  Afraid to dip to low or get to high, I will eat until I am 250lbs.  When food no longer holds the center point of shaky balance, I will smoke drugs until there is a pipe puckered in between my dry lips.

 I will go to any lengths to win the war over my emotions.

Or so I have these past four decades. I am too tired to fight any more.  There is not enough fat in the world to cover my body to hide how I feel.  I cannot seem to get high enough from any drug these days to eliminate my demanding feelings.  I can no longer contain my feelings in that acceptable range of what I have judged upon myself as healthy and normal... that space between manic and depressed.

I have moved myself to see a psychologist who has moved me further to see a psychiatrist.  So this is it?  My answer now at the bottom of a prescription bottle.  From Self medicating to allowing the doctors of this world to do it for me.  Hand over my power and admit I am powerless over drugs.  Concede defeat.  Or as program goers advise me give it over to a higher power.  Is this really what my higher power is telling me?

What happened to my healthy eating and the joy that came from that?  What happened to following my passions and the bliss that grew from the work that went into creating something from myself?  Where did I lose my love for life and let it get replaced with fear of survival?  Where did I trade in self love for romantic love at the huge cost of being back on the self medicating trip?

How is it that actually the feeling of Love is the exact feeling that brings me back to this low?  Having already achieved a state of bliss and an acceptance of my feelings, having had the balance and the serenity that I now so desperately miss through my own means of self care and self love being lost to me.... is devastating.  I feel like I have bit ripped at the core and forsaken in such a terrible way that I can barely stand my own reflection  in the mirror and yet at the same time so deeply love myself that I cannot stop the flow of cleansing tears.

My emotions now that they are not being self medicating nor perscriptioned are like a slingshot, wildly flying into the air and plummeting back to earth with fits of hysterical screams of laughter.     ... And you know,  So what?  Is it such a terrible thing to have feelings?  Is it so terrible that I was love.  I gave love.  And love was taken advantage of?  So what that I risked and lost.  Why is it such a big deal that as a woman I have intense feelings.  I love without abandon and damn I sure do hate with that same reckless abandon... but so the fuck what?

Why do my feelings scare me so much?  Am I really worried about going off the deep end and making a fool out of myself?  Been there, done that.... how many females do I know have done the same thing in fits of feelings... both positive and negative.   So what?  I have never deliberately hurt others in my fits, although I am not a fool I understand people do get hurt.... but, hello was I not hurt and thus provoked in the first place.  Does one really just fly off the handle because?  Truly, I know bitches be crazy, but honestly women have got to stop cutting each other down, because from experience I have not yet a woman that has not had a time in there lives that they were provoked and lost it.  Happy fluffy feelings accepted, but feelings of hurt... fuck no. not in my world.... there is a pill for that.

Learning to not get lost in the feeling is the advice I have received recently.  Observe and know that every feeling has a purpose.  When I was eating 250lbs of fat, I was miserable in my marriage, but in denial.  When I was recently sucking blow up my nose my heart was broken but I refused to let people know how badly it was broken.  Why is it that I will destroy my body to hide how I feel... feelings have a purpose.  So now am I to stuff my feelings inside a pill bottle to find peace?

Observe and detach.  Observe and detach.  How does one do that?  I want to put the work into learning how to do that.  I found peace and serenity without any form of slaying the emotional beast within me.  I found that peace however in the silence of friendship and fellowship.  Its easy to keep balance when it is just you and god.  How do I find that same balance when the opinions of others bowl me over getting a full on strike each time.  I am not a willow tree, I am a leaf easily blown.  I know that I need people in my life.  I know that I have so much love to share that it would be terrible to waste it on only my plants, yet I cannot seem to hold my own in the presence of others.

People invoke feelings in me and reactions that are sometimes out before i have time to manage them.  So what?  Is life truly meant to be lived in a drooling serenity at all times?  Do i seriously want serenity always?  What about Love and excitement and joy and bliss.  And honestly am I really in agony over this heart break?  There is a cleansing release that comes with a broken heart, a sense of humility and awakening.  And did it not feel good just a bit, to rage.  Fuck ya it did.  How would serenity have played out.... oh right, I wouldnt have hurt another person.  Fuck that shit they hurt me, and not that its tit for tat, but come on now people when did I become a doormat?

 Feelings have a purpose, but my reactions are only grown from maturity... maturity comes from..... experience.

So now its time to let my feelings direct and guide me.  Observing instead of reacting.  Tough lessons I am certain, but the alternative is flaming dog poop bomb on a friends beautiful truck...  Won't be my finest moment and I am getting tired of having more embarrassing moments then victorious ones.  I have my work cut out for me I guess.... others people opinions are none of my business and you know what this chick is gonna let her crazy be what it is, because I am sick of trying to be a cool, like a guy, I am not a guy..... I am a girl with a super highway of feelings.  ...... and I am kinda getting to like them and what they have to say.

Power to the bitches that be crazy!!

Want More?     Two years later the evolution continues.....