Thursday, June 25, 2015

Everyone Needs a Community.


What we cant do alone,  we can do together.

I am so grateful for my understanding of the power community holds.    If it wasn't for my one friend that completely scooped me up and flew me to safety, I am not sure of the struggle I would be in right now.   I have some good ideas but not sure I wanna explore them all that much today.

My heart instead is on my love of my support group.  A support group I have worked hard to build.  I have some of the most amazing,  closest friends a girl could ask for.   When I landed in detox last summer if it wasn't for a dear good friend of mine from NA, I am not sure I would have even made it into detox.  She just took control of my life when I no longer had any strength too.   I will forever be grateful to her.  She is a solid support I have put in to place.

A male friend of mine.... which is the largest oxy moron this blog has ever seen.  Yes, I did say male friend.  And I gotta say, its not at all what I expected being a friend with the opposite sex to be like. ....but,  I think that might be for another post though, I need to stay focused on my point...


If the newest member of my solid support team didn't fly in like an eagle and rescue my sorry ass from yet another devastating situation I had created, I really don't know where I would be.  Actually, I totally do know and even though I am not gonna explore it, I would be doing myself a disservice by not paying homage to my bottom.

Thank Goddess,  its not where I am at today.  My bottom is much, much higher..... but ....I got screwed outta the feelings get less intense at this bottom, bottom!!!  They might be worse actually now that  I don't have all my old fall backs to get me through.

Learning a new way to deal.... hard.   And going through feelings without the old aids..... hard.

I am grateful however.... bringing it back to connection... .    That I have these amazing supports in my life.   I have built trust and respect with them,  that when they step into my life when I most need them too but don't even have the strength to ask, I willing let them.   Because I know they will make my life easier, peaceful and return balance to me now that I have truly lost my way.

Humbling being taken care of so fully by another human being.

My light is on the way up and I am starting to feel human again.  Being around people that fill up my heart and my spirit with energy is what the saying at the top of the blog is about.   We can do together what we cannot do alone.

 I could not relight my own spirit... isolation keeps me bound in my own head.  My head in that state cannot be positive as there is no energy to do such, I am burnt out, sick.   Being around positive energy filled.....Healthy....people is what fills me back up.   (surprisingly not the 25 year old  250 lb firecracker???)))

I had dinner with my mom last night.   It felt good to reconnect with my own roots.  Whenever my life goes sideways its my mom I cut off of first.  Isn't that like cutting yourself off at the knees??  My mom is a different kind of support that I couldn't acknowledge until recently.  Not until I was forced recently to redesign my belief around men and specifically what love looks like with a male, was I able to look at my relationship with my mom in a new way.

I don't think I can say it enough right now.   I am grateful to the people in my life today that are lifting me back up, even after I was warned repeatedly not to follow that path.   That too me, is unconditional love.  I have ample unconditional love in my life.  I was always just to angry to see it.

I am grateful today that the anger has lifted..... for now.  lol ish.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Messy emotional Suppression!!



Sometimes I forget what this blog is really about.    Suppression to Expression.  

I lose myself in my own crazy way to often.   I get wrapped up in the details and the triggers and miss the real issue.  My feelings and poor expression there of.

When I am angry its always because I am hurt.

 Anger being a secondary emotional and all.  I used to skip the whole being angry part and go right to being hurt and feeling victim.  I missed the Beauty and Power in actually allowing myself to be angry.    In suppressing my anger my life would always take these terrible turns for the toxic.

Emotions really are...... energy in motion....  If I am not willing to allow that energy to flow in the natural way it needs to, it will find a way somehow to release on it;s own.....  Or better yet explode on its own.

Thats when things start to get toxic in my world.  Thats when I quit friends or jobs,  to find a way out of the anger, to run away from it, hoping not to have to deal with it.   Unfortunately,  it doesn't work that way either.  Because even though the in the moment emotion has had its out, the issue that caused it still hasnt been dealt with.  And well I am all to aware now of what happens when the issues are left unresolved.   They come up over and over again in new forms.

So how does one sit in the emotion?  How do you 'work through it'?

My emotions feel so huge to me.   I know that without a doubt I am bi-polar.   A psychiatrist diagnosed me as such last summer.  I refused to accept that diagnoses and still do today.   Only because I refuse to take medication to 'even' me out.   Not because I am against the idea of being evened out....but because I know with proper self care I can keep myself even.

Thats the whole point of this blog,

I lost sight of handling my emotions.  Instead I let them dictate and control my life.    !! Man what I need is an Emotions Anonymous!   (I think there are groups like that in the big cities.)   Because I am telling you, emotions are wreaking more havoc in my world then dope ever did.... I see now it was only self medication.

But I digress a bit, I still don't know how to effectively handle my emotions.   I cant seem to let them just flow, without freaking out and making huge waves in my own life.   I don't know how to just sit with them instead of always being so reactive.    I just quit my job because a douche bag 25 year old rocked my world so hard that what I built, is actually crumbling.

And,  now I know that seems mellow dramatic and I am not looking at all sides of the picture.  There was obviously lots of reasons that I need to move on from there.... but lets be honest that was for sure the emotion that set forth the events.

So I guess that brings me to my next question.   Do you think some emotions or emotional situations occur, just to move you from one place to the next?  Like the emotion it self is welcomed in the end because it produced good results after the shit show settled?

Because,  even though I swing in wild mood swings, and its truly not okay to roll like this, it still has served some purpose in my life.   That for whatever reason, I was to afraid to make that happen on my own.  I know I should have left the landscaping job after my first burn out.  I had four months to look for a job.  But I just couldn't seem to pull myself away from the money.  I made good money working twelve hour days.  So I went back.  

And now I am done, Again.   Lesson learned........ I am looking for new work.

But what about the emotional outburst as a result of a guy?   I am almost embarrassed that I could barely keep my shit together for the last couple weeks before I quit after the douche bag quit.   I was like almost non functioning!  No joke.   I have no idea if other people feel that way and push through it.  There is no pushing through for me sometimes.  I couldn't get out of bed I was so emotional.  Not sick in the body.  Nope totally paralyzed by emotions.   Seriously my feelings are intense.   I really need to work on this.... I feel just to be normal.

Em-path's can feel other peoples energies/emotions.    Your words may be saying one thing, but the feelings vibrating from your body say something totally different.  I struggle with this one and it was only recently that a friend pointed out that not all people can truly feel an others emotions.

Highly sensitive people(borderline personality disorder) can feel everything off everyone and also have heightened personal feelings.  I think this is like em-paths on smack.  cause this is when things get harry scary for me.  I can do okay when I am working and self absorbed in work which for me I can shut my feelings off for.   Then i am only dealing with other peoples energies.  But when I throw romance in there, my over drive goes into hyper and I am overwhelmed with intense feeling.  Making the personal feelings themselves almost unbearable.

Throw in Bi-polar highs and lows.

Man I am telling ya,. My feelings are Whacked out.  Completely out if sync.  No self care.  No time for self care, had to work work work.

Well its time for self care.  I cant be this highly charged, this over sensitive.   I need to settle and calm.  This I know because a doctor told me I was bi polar.  I don't want to crash this time.   I don't wanna slip into a two year depression,   because of the last six month incredible high I was on.

Ahhhh man, and it was high,  C'mon ...... he was 25!!

It was a high for sure.  The low to match it though.... could kill me.   So I am bringing myself back down.

Meditation back on like donkey kong.

I feel reconnected after my recent camping trip.... four days in nature, much time alone. Now I am able to feel at peace during my meditations.  Yoga is way more slow and calming now.  Daily I do the same routine and already two days in,  I can stretch almost where I left off months ago.  I am grateful healthy routine comes back so easily.

I am cooking for Chloe.... and its good.  Omg!  We had bbq chicken last night and it was so so so good.  I even made her a warm breakfast this morning.  Like for real, right!   A warm breakfast... I have never made my kids warm breakfasts.  Like ever.   That is self care, taking good care of my responsibility.

Feels good to me.  A deeper kind of good then the kind I was getting making fast money.

It really is all about self care and doing what is necessary to feel better and get back into life.  ....And actually maintaining that level of self care as best you can when life gets busy again.  Thats the complacency part recovery.  You have to keep up with your self care in order to maintain what you have.

Now that I am evening out.  I feel like I am waiting for a tidal wave to crash on my head unsuspecting now that i am relaxed.  The universe maybe thinking I am ready to face some of those stupid emotions that burst forth like the girl in exorcist spewing green goo.  I am not sure there is anything more to process now that I exploded them forth.

Maybe now its just time to lick my wounds and move forward into something a bit more simple for my over zealous emotional butterfly flitting self!!

Yup,   this blog is about feelings, not dramas.  I am getting to old for dramas.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

A Beautiful Crazy

 My Crazy is Beautiful.  Thats what a very good male friend told me this week.  I have a beautiful crazy.  This coming to me after I texted a last text to the guy that just rocked my world asking if my crazy was too much for him.  I got no response.  I guess the answer was yes.

I talk a lot about creating our own realities.  I make many references to our perception of things.  What I see as white,  you might see as off white or even light grey.  Our realities even if co-existing at the same time might be something entirely different to each of us.

I watched two of my coworkers these past couple of months,  have these seriously miss communicated conversations.  They were both saying the exact same thing but in entirely different words and mannerisms.  They couldn't understand each other, yet to an outsider looking in, it was clear they were saying the exact same thing.  Interesting experience for me.

So how does one manage to create and co-exist with others when there is such a clearly divided understanding in perceptions?  How is my crazy beautiful to one person and totally unacceptable to another.  How does one communicate to someone that is obviously on an entirely different level then them?

Am I connecting with those around me?  My crazy definitely isn't.  Am I on the wrong path?

Harmony.  Synchronicity.  Little signs only I would understand, are the life markers I need to know that I am going in the right direction.  Sometimes I need blaring signs to know that I am walking in the right direction.  Even when the situation is ugly to me, sometimes it has an underlying harmony to it.  I am in harmony with it.  Sometimes the signs point me to situations I don't want to experience, just to get me through to where I need to be...

(Sometimes I just get lost.... Sometimes I am trapped)

....That's a path I am walking out of now.  The dark painful path of suffering and low self worth.  The path of punishment and limitations.   The path I fought so hard to create for myself because I thought that's what I wanted.  I married myself to the hypnotic trance many living zombies follow.

Money. Status. The trophy boyfriend.  The perfect kids.

That's what I have been trying to manifest for years.  Ambition being the socially acceptable motivating factor.  Did you know on Plenty of Fish, a dating website, that one of the last questions you can answer to complete your profile is... how ambitious are you?  Why the fuck would one need to know that in a dating partner?

Probably so a person like me can see if the guy is still a society drone, I guess.

  Well maybe I shouldn't say that.  Just because money and status corrupt me it doesn't mean they mess with everyone.  Its just not my path.  I don't value money other then to pay my rent and buy healthy food for my daughter and I.  I used to value status, until I rose up to those people with status.  Then I realized people on the top have the same problems as people on the perceivable bottom.  And truly their problems seem compounded by money not lessened.   Money buys to many excuses and hide-a-ways.

Just a few posts ago I spoke so animated about the promotions I fought for at work.  I had many congratulations and people excited for me, to see my ambitions achieved.  To tell people I was so busy was to gain their approval, their respect.

 How quickly I burnt out.

 Its not me.   One of my last posts spoke about surviving the busiest period of my work year.   Surviving?  Is that all I want out of life, to survive?  What was I thriving on if I was just surviving?  How and why did I get to a place of being proud I survived the black hole that tried to suck me... wait better question, How the fuck was I so close to the black hole in the first place?

That black hole that I spoke about last year in these pages.  Have I not learned yet?

That hole always presents itself when I am in risk of losing myself.  In the past its the guy I lose myself in, becoming someone I am not to fit his image of me.  This time it was having to become someone I didn't like to achieve my ambitions.   I lost myself once already in this current job I am in.  But I thought if I took a different approach, took on a different position I could maintain who I was and thrive in the company.

I was wrong.

Admitting we tried and failed at something is so hard.  Changing ones mind after passionately shouting it off the screens of a blog is hard business.  I  feel many times people don't take me seriously because I am so fluid, so changeable all the time.  However I am learning that's the crazy one guy couldn't stand and the crazy another found beautiful.

I need to get out and experience things.  I cant sit on my couch and have a conversation with a friend, play the scenario out and decide it isn't for me.  Nope.  I have to get out and live it.  Sometimes two or three times before I actually side step the hole.  I try different avenues, venues and paths to see if I can find a way around hole.  Most times it doesn't work.

I changed too much to become a project manager of an unstable landscaping company.  I had to drink too much coffee to sustain my energy.  My judgement became clouded and my morals weak when I let the aggressive man child get his way with my heart.  I became much too distracted to see that the company was starting to fall apart with me standing in the eye of the storm.  (well now that's a little mellow dramatic, but its how I love to roll)

When I am creating something that is not in my highest good, it has no staying power.  I have no staying power.  I did this same thing when I worked for the weight loss company and convinced the CEO to promote me.  I got to where I wanted to go and I crashed and burned.  It is not where I belong.

I am a kick ass manager.  I had guys telling me that.  I am good at everything I set my mind to.  I train well and I am a quick study.  I am learning however that there is a price to everything.  An energy exchange to every action you take.  To be manager means to rent a room in your head to a tenant that's always active.  I cant shut off my work when I am in that position.  My addictive nature thrives in situations where adrenaline and thrill out weigh self care and peace.  I become a workaholic at a high cost.

I change when my addictive nature is activated,  I invite drama, I create chaos, I thrive in manipulation.  The price is too high for me to work for and with people that are shady and living lies that pour over into my reality.  My reality becomes melded with theirs and I become trapped in a world of suffering and self punishment.  I don't need dope to activate this nature.  I don't need constant focus on my addict self to keep me out of this nature.

The rose colored glasses came off last weekend.

Three key players left the company on the same day.  The vision I could not let go off all that day and since,  was three men that I had come to love and respect walked away from the yard with three lit wooden matches.  And as they moved away in that slow motion picture kinda way,  they threw the matches over their shoulders and the entire yard went up in flames.  As I stood there left behind to go down in the flames.

Melodramatic?  Absolutely.  Some huge childhood issues of abandonment?  You betchya.  But more then anything came the awareness that once again I was frozen in place.   Caught in my own ambitions and losing everything meaningful in my life because of my addictive nature turning into this raging vixen that loved her games more then her self.

My last post was titled.... I am Done.   I have said that several times to people this week.  I am done.  I am tired of trying to achieve something that is not meant to be mine and becoming someone I hate to get there.  I am to experienced to make poor choices because I am to afraid to look at the truth of a situation and do whats necessary to get out of it.   One of those men to walk away from the yard, did so because he was changing into something he didn't like and he loved himself more then making someone else money.

That hit home like a sucker punch to the stomach.  Have you ever been punched in the stomach and didn't see it coming?  Its like all the air gets violently sucked out of your body and you cant gasp it back in.  Your suspended in this painful place of your own mortality.  As  he walked over the threshold back into himself he looked back at me with eyes that invited me to come back into myself as well.

Its taken me a week and several days hiding under my covers, to acknowledge that invitation.   Its taken some hard thinking as the man child advised me as he drove through the provinces on his way back to his loving family to recover from his ordeal.

To walk away from Vixen and her path means I will lose my large monthly income.  I will lose my
status.  And I will probably lose my new circle of accomplished ambitious status loving friends.

As the tears flowed nonstop for me this week, I washed away all that I have achieved.  I washed away all that I thought I wanted to be.  I washed away all the expectations of what the world around me creates as acceptable.  I washed away my own self judgments.  I washed away all the past hang ups and baggage claims that I am not good enough because I have been abandoned in the past.  I washed away my toxic desires that serve to chain me to a reality that is not of who I am aspiring to be.

So today I begin my shaky steps back on to the path less traveled.  Back through the little path that meanders up the side of the mountain.  That path that is overgrown and hidden from the drones view.  I step off the wide paved path that the zombies bumble down.  Finding peace and freedom by the little babbling stream that is coming off the mountains spring run off.

I am not really there yet.  Just painting a picture for the universe to grasp on to and create for me.  Its time to bring my hippie back and move into something more peaceful and loving for my life.  Its time for a new chapter or my story.   I love my life.... and my beautiful crazy.

Follow the White Rabbit

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