Monday, October 19, 2015

Complacency is a game of Strength

My daughter said to me yesterday in conversation about my state of mind, "Mom, you like being miserable".  I laughed because she is completely right.  I am passionate about my misery.  There is a knight of Cups in the Tarot deck that speaks directly to this ailment.  I love falling in love, no secret there, and I equally love the theatrics of falling out of love.  

I am passionate about my misery right now.  Which falls under my detox No-No's.   I am trying to reset my dopamine and to learn to live in a more balanced state of being.   I am not in balance I am in a low.  Not depression, but full on theatrical misery. A temper tantrum hissy fit!   I have had to give up everything I have loved until this point in my life.   Of course the things I loved were and are toxic for my body and life, but none the less I loved them.

But that was yesterday!!  Clicking along at my steady erratic pace.......

Today on day seven of The Master Cleanse I feel so empowered.  I feel motivated and have a clearer mind then I have in a very long time.  This is the part of addiction recovery that I love.  The head clearing phase.  Its in this phase that my awareness becomes acute and my ability to take action is heightened.

So what am I learning right now?

I never follow through on anything!!  I let complacency get the best of me.  Or I sabotage.   Getting over the hump of this fast has shown me how close I really was to quitting two days ago.  I had every rationalization to stop and begin to blend into the fruits and vegetable cleanse I have planned after this detox cleanse.  I did have insane cravings for Doritos(which is odd cause I never eat them), but it wasn't that kind of food I wanted to go back to   I tried to justify the transition already planned a few days early.  And by a few days I do mean half way point.

My daughter convinced me to stay moving forward on the fast as I was still seeing some incredible detox benefits from it.  My tongue is as white as snow.  No joke.  Apparently toxins come out your tongue.  My skin is amazingly clear, I even think some freckles have faded, for real.  I have lost a good deal of weight already and well now today my energy levels are on the rise...... which is so good cause my energy was tanking hard before the fast.   I am glad she motivated me to continue.

Scrubbing a tough patch off an oven this morning, I was reminded of how quickly I give up on things.  If I don't see instant results I am out.  Simple.  No questions, just done.  Or if I have to push through I do so indignant and frustrated and normally fail at the pursuit due to my attitude.  I scrubbed that oven and when I started to see some good results of my work I felt vindicated.  That motivated me to continue even through the tough moments that followed.

Scrubbing the oven was very much like this fast.  I know there will be another hurtle or two to jump before I cross the finish line, but I am much more motivated now to follow through.  Its this follow through that I need to carry to the rest of my life.  Its when i quit half way through that I miss the light at the end of the tunnel, opting instead to stay in the dark.

When I landed the best job of my life so far, I was meditating daily.  I was connecting with my higher power.  I was practicing self care to the best of my ability then.  I was activily doing my part in the co-creation process.   Then within a year of landing said dream job, I stopped meditating.  I stopped self care.  I stopped actively doing my part.  And well you know how this story goes... said dream job ended.

In the twelve step program complacency is a big word that is a hot topic of discussion.  When we become complacent in our responsibilities the universe has no choice but to mirror your actions.  Thats all the universe is, a mirror.  Law of attraction number one... what you put out comes back to you.  You get lazy, so does your God.

I get lazy.  I self sabotage by not following through on my own self care.  That is what I am learning today.  I know I have spoke about this so so so much in this blog.  And its a concept I have already chewed several times.  But I guess I haven't fully digested it yet.   A human complicating simple concepts I am with my over analytical brain always looking for a new fresh trail to blaze just so I can by pass complacency.

Lesson is.... I need to stick with my daily meditations, my connection with my higher self and my self care.  No matter how good it gets.  ..........That is of course once I start them again.  lol.     Come now, who meditates in misery?  As if.

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