Sunday, October 23, 2016
It has been a long while since I wrote anything here in this journal. I have four blogs now. This one I started when I left my ex husband and children in a drug haze of craziness. Not that leaving my husband wasn't necessary for my journey, it definitely was, but it surely was the catalyst of a drug addiction the pursued afterwards.
Through this blog I came to learn that I had an eating disorder and a sexual addiction as well. With those awareness came the understanding that really I wasn't a slave to addiction as much as I was always trying to fill this void within me that was screaming to be heard and acknowledged. After I removed all my addictions bussyness became a huge factor. It was then that I realized the majority of the 1st world struggled with this void as well.
That is when I moved my blog into my passion for finding a real love for my life. I am still working on actively creating a love story for my life in that blog and am very much enjoying the filling of the void that it is bringing me.
Now that I have cleared these addictions from my life I have moved on to building two more separate websites. One website is a blog just like this one but it is posts about things that are personal to my belief system and I have bought my own space on the big wide web with my full name attached to it. This is a huge step to come out into the open and show myself in my full colors. That is filling a void so deep that my nerves are very close to the surface with each post I publish. Feels good to be alive.
My fourth blog is actually a professional website offering my services to those who need them. I haven't quite launched that one yet and it might be on the back burner for the next few months but surely by the spring it will be up and fully functional.
But to plug my sites is not why I am here today. I thought of you and how far I have come since the haze of my cloudy mind. I no longer struggle with drugs and not because I have cut them ALL or Nothing out of my life, but because I embraced that part of myself and gave her voice and freedom. I drink a glass of wine here and there, sometimes more then I should but it never gets out of control for me anymore because I allow her the freedom to indulge when she needs to. This might not be a path for everyone but it has worked for me. I believe because I have found more exciting ways to fill that void now.
I no longer desire to gorge myself on food nor starve myself even though I still do fast on occasion. I fast to re-balance my energy and bring me back to center. If my self care is not always in top form I begin to slide into darker places and this bring about over or under eating which then leads to drinking and drugging. I am very aware of my limits now and I am conscious of the reasons why I am doing what I am doing. This awareness is what has brought me freedom from addiction.
I no longer class myself as an addict and I no longer allow myself to be caught in the cycle of recovery. I worked the 12 steps and apply it daily to all areas of my workoholic life. It's hard to pull back from the busyness this world reveres as healthy but I have done it. I have had to fight for that freedom but in the end it was worth it. There are some places in life where you surrender and then there are other places you hold your power. Learning this was key to my total recovery.
I am very proud of who I am today. I am blissfully happy and ridiculously sad some days. My emotions are a roller coaster ride and my life situations are sometimes great and other times challenging. I enjoy the fact that I no longer am a slave to an addiction, I no longer have to make allowances for my weakness's nor excuses for my behaviors. I can own everything, even my shitty dark feelings.
This is why I came here today. Because I wanted to record for future reference that I am indeed still on a great path of freedom and full recovery can be had by any addict out there seeking to get out of the cycle of recovery. There is a life beyond addiction, a life that doesn't involve constantly counting your clean days.